Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates Page #4

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like we're not sure if we wanna go or not.

Oh, like...

What the f*** are you doing?

I don't understand why we're arguing!

I thought we wanted to go.

All right, f*** it. Let's go to Hawaii!

- Yes! F*** yes!

- Hawaii!

Yo, what you know about goin' out?

Head west, red Lex

TV's all up in the headrest

Try and live it up, ride true, a bigger truck

Peeps all glittered up

Stick up can, they go what?

Jig wit it 'cuz ship crisp, split it all

Ho's ride, get your nut 'til I can't get it up

Bad, bad, bad, bad boy

You make me feel so good

Aloha, and welcome.

- Hi.

- Aloha.

For real?

Let me get you gentlemen checked in, yeah?

Holy sh*t, this place is nice!

It's gonna be more nice.

Nice girls don't show off their ecstasy.

One of these is a multivitamin.

Is this sh*t free?

I can smoke weed out of this,

I can smoke weed out of this...

Look at that teacher,

grabbing her apple a day.

Look at that personality from behind.

It is, dare I say...

- well-rounded.

- Mmm-hmm.

Look at Mike.

He looks like a funhouse mirror version

of a better looking dude...

but he is just that dude.

Dave, it is so on this weekend.

I am not touching this guy

the whole weekend.

He thinks just because he brought me here

I'm gonna sleep with him?

Check it out.

If this was Mike's dick, I'd be like...

Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo...

I'd get close, but I'd never touch it.

They have such beautiful flowers here.

She's throwing out

serious vibes right now.

I'm like, I'm hungry.

I'm gonna butter them biscuits.

I'm gonna baste them ham hocks.

I'm gonna be like a sex chef.

Mr. Grey will see you now.

I'm gonna touch Dave.

Every time he says something sweet...

I wanna get some rope and chain

in bulk from Home Depot...

and just see where it takes us, you know?

That is messed up.

Ladies, your wedding itineraries.

# DoingItForJeanie.

Today, we have the meet

and greet by the pool.

And then after that,

we have a dolphin excursion.

Friday is the rehearsal dinner.

Mmm-hmm.

That's where Dave and I are gonna be

doing our big speech.

Will there be any downtime?

Yeah, 'cause I gotta keep

in touch with the office.

I gotta call my stocks

about the state of my bonds.

It happens a lot.

Mm-kay, I think we are right up here.

Great. So which one

is me and Alice's room?

Uh...

I don't know.

Are you and Alice gonna share a room?

Or I was thinking that maybe you and I...

would stay in the same room.

That sounds interesting...

but I don't think it would be a good idea.

Why not?

Because I don't trust myself around you.

You can trust me.

I do trust you.

Let's trust each other.

There's so much trust.

Sorry. I didn't mean to do that.

I respect you so much,

I can't wait to get you alone.

Yeah, we're gonna cover

all the room charges and stuff...

for up to $50 per day.

Oh, my God. You don't have to do that.

I'm a very strict teacher.

You be Michelle Pfeiffer

from Dangerous Minds, and I'll be...

I'll be Coolio.

- Coolio's not in that movie.

- Oh.

He is in song and spirit.

I'm gonna call

a parent-teacher conference...

and tell them what a bad boy you are.

Please don't tell my mommy.

Please don't tell my daddy.

I think Wi-Fi is included, too, so...

- That's always nice. Yeah.

- Yeah.

If I were to give you a grade,

I'd give you a D.

A big, hard D.

Why? I deserve an A.

- What are you talking about?

- Oh.

Nothing.

In conclusion...

I'm gonna stay in the room...

with Alice.

That one, with Alice.

Cool, cool. No doubt.

Somebody overcooked the soft pretzel.

My dick is hard. That's what I'm saying.

Give me five minutes.

Oh, my God. Ew!

Lift it, drop it, shake it

It's going down for real

It's going down for real

Grandma, I'd like you to meet Alice.

She's super smart, great conversationalist,

and she works on Wall Street.

- But I'm one of the good ones.

- I think she is.

I am a teacher, yeah.

And you know what?

The key to teaching children is repetition.

You'd be surprised how stupid they are.

Jeanie!

- Hey, you!

- Hi! Hi!

I'm so proud

to introduce our wedding dates...

- Tatiana.

- And Alice.

Hi!

- Oh, the bride. The gorgeous bride.

- Ow! Hi.

This weekend is all about you

being happy and not shattered.

- Oh. Thank you.

- Yeah.

Check out your arms.

You got some Michelle Obama arms.

How'd you get those guns

on the plane, girl?

Eric... you are two points hotter

just being next to this woman.

Try 10 points hotter.

- Try a million.

- That's too many points.

- Wow, and Jeanie, nice snag.

- Thank you.

You guys look great together, really.

I'm liking this. Huh? Maybe you two

will keep these two in check a little bit.

I think we can.

I'll just keep him on a leash.

Maybe don't hurt him.

I like these girls.

They're so fun.

Unlike my maid of honor.

She's having a time.

How is ol' Becky Grammerstein?

She's coming.

- Jeanie.

- Hey.

I'm in crisis mode.

I ordered Prosecco for the Mani-pedis...

and all they have is champagne!

Aren't they the same thing?

- No. No, they're not. No.

- No?

Hello, Michael.

Hi, Dave.

Look, I'm trying to make your dreams

come true, okay?

- Right.

- What?

If this is bad news,

I'm gonna eat your ass.

- Sorry.

- Okay.

Purple. It better be purple.

I should probably go see to that.

- You'll come?

- Yeah.

Thank you so much for being here.

Guys, good job with these two.

Mahala.

Bye, Jeanie.

Jeanie likes the girls.

Jeanie likes the girls

Talk about Jeanie Jeanie likes the girls

Because it's a" about

Jeanie likes the girls

- Oil, yeah, Jeanie likes the girls

- Come on!

- It's a" about Jeanie

- Likes the girls

- it's all about Jeanie likes the girls!

- Mike. Where are the girls?

- Oh, hello!

- I'm Alice.

I just I wanna give you a hug.

It's so nice to meet you.

F***ing A. You distracted me, man.

This dress is lucky to be on you.

Those pins!

- My Mike?

- Yes.

- I can't... Wow.

- He did.

That's fantastic.

Mike, Tatiana was just telling me...

that you saved her life.

I most certainly did, Father.

You see how great it is

to have nice girls around?

- I mean, these are nice girls.

- Aw!

Absolutely.

They are. And we brought them, so...

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

See you in a minute. Honey, come on.

Can I get everybody's attention?

Could we gather around?

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God!

We're killing this sh*t! We're killing.

Mom and Dad like the girls!

Ow.

Mom and Dad like the girls

Hi, I'm Keith.

I'm Eric's best man, his cousin...

and his best friend.

Welcome to the meet and greet!

Yeah!

Put your hands together...

for Eric and his lovely bride, Jeanie.

Give it up!

Jeanie!

Hey, everybody. A big thank you

to my new family, the Stangles.

We love you, Eric!

Thank you.

And to my own family, I must say...

Portland, Oregon in the house!

I'm really happy

to finally make you all my ohana...

which means "family."

And as the Hawaiians say...

Kale maluna!

Which translates loosely

into "bottoms up."

But more closely translated,

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