Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates Page #5

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it actually means...

"your butts to the sky"...

which is inappropriate.

This is gonna be magic.

Thank you all again,

so much, for being here.

We are so happy

to have you at our wedding.

Wedding. Wedding. Wedding.

- Put the mic on the stand.

- The stand.

- Alice.

- Where are you going?

Hi! What happened?

You sort of zoned out for a sec.

What's up? You okay?

Yeah! We're at a wedding.

Wedding. Wedding.

You just said "wedding" three times.

I'm fine. Yeah!

Let's just forget about the past,

and move on.

To the bar!

To the bar?

Mmm. Mmm.

Ooh. I don't think these are shots.

I mean, we're drinking 'em

like they're shots...

but I don't think they're

supposed to be drunk like that.

Your face is funny.

Oh. Hey, Mike. I was just talking

to my new friend, Tatiana.

- Tatiana, this is my cousin, Mike.

- She knows who I am. She's my date.

Why would someone this attractive

ever be with you?

Are you gonna hit on my date all weekend,

like bisexual Fonzie?

I don't think it's gonna take all weekend.

Am I right?

So, you guys are cousins?

She's been jealous of me

since I was a little kid.

What could I possibly be jealous of?

Your outfit looks like Jimmy Buffet's

dust ruffle.

Do you guys always do this?

Okay, this is actually

a very fashion-forward outfit.

No, you look like the wallpaper

from a Long John Silver's bathroom.

Cool. I'm gonna hit the buffet now...

while you guys do

whatever it is you're doing.

Okay?

Good idea.

Look at that.

Pink little ass just bouncing away,

saying...

Terry, come get me, Terry, come get me

No, it's saying...

Mike, crawl up in this

Mike, crawl up in this

Whoa. What's up, double trouble?

Terry. Cousin of the bride.

Get at me later,

we'll make a Terry sandwich.

Don't touch her. She has chlamydia.

- Everybody does.

- No.

Not everyone does.

Saw you and Dave are doing your

speech together at the rehearsal dinner.

Mmm-hmm.

I'm going to bring the house down

with my speech.

And why do you think

you're such a hotshot?

You know Chris Rock?

He's my neighbor.

Practiced my speech on him.

And he gave me seven killer jokes.

Suck on that, cousin.

Terry out.

Chris Rock? F***! That sounds awesome.

Oh, my God. You were right.

These cheeseburgers are amazing.

I know.

Being a good girl is hard.

I know. It sucks.

You were hitting that booze

too hard for a nice girl.

You need to get Luke out of your head.

- Yeah.

- You do.

And what better way to do that...

than good old-fashioned dick flicks.

- Yes.

- Oh, God.

Tatiana. Mike Stangle.

From the meet and greet.

Well, from before that.

One second.

F***.

Hey. It's you.

It is me.

I was hoping maybe I could come in

and we could watch a movie or...

- Do whatever you wanna do.

- Why are you whispering?

'Cause that's what we were doing before.

They've got Cockbusters.

Is that supposed to be like Ghostbusters?

Why would you wanna get rid of the c*cks?

- What's that?

- She's talking in her sleep.

She says the craziest stuff in her sleep.

It looks like his dick is gonna pop.

It's so veiny and hard.

- Tatiana!

- Something's hard?

Julio. My student. I'm doing

a Skype class session with him...

and he's having a really hard time

in the schoolyard.

If you don't get in here,

I'm gonna start masturbating!

Oh, phooey. I've gotta go.

That sounds like you guys are,

watching porno, or...

- No.

- Tatiana!

Does it smell like weed in here?

- You guys smoking weed?

- No. It was a skunk.

I've gotta go, because a bunch of kids

are waiting to hear...

if they've failed second grade or not.

Well, I am doing

some grading myself, and girl...

you are getting an A plus.

Thank you so much.

Mmm.

- And then win!

- Skills. Def skills.

Cheers to Tatiana and Alice.

We're so glad you're here.

Yes. Cheers.

You guys, Alice and I found

this really cool thing.

Jurassic Park ATV Tours!

You ride ATVs

where they shot Jurassic Park.

Actually, we are about to go

swimming with the dolphins.

It's on the itinerary, so...

But, guys, Jurassic P!

I love this movie!

Oh, my gosh, on ATVs,

this would be so sick.

"Welcome...

"...to Jurassic Park."

"That is a big pile of sh*t."

"Oh, you're not so scary, little guy."

What is going on here?

Oh! Oh!

I wish we could do that...

but we have a date with the dolphins...

at the bottom of the ocean, so...

Don't you think we should do

what Jeanie wants to do?

I mean, it is her wedding after all.

Right, Mike?

I'm so happy we're here!

This is where the dinos

ran in the prairie!

I know, girl!

Check it out! I'm a brontosaurus!

I'm a T-Rex. I'm coming to get you!

Guys, butts on seats, okay?

No hot dogging!

"They're flocking this way!"

Here's a T-Rex!

"Life finds a way."

Jeanie! Eric!

Hey!

Hi! Sorry, I lost Eric.

I wasn't lost.

Just driving at a reasonable pace.

Stay there. We'll come to you.

All right, we better go around.

This ledge looks super dangerous.

Oh, yeah, Mike's right.

It does look dangerous.

It's a good thing my middle name

is "dangerous!"

Yeah, it is!

- Whoo!

- Whoa!

- Oh, God!

- What?

Oh, my God, she's Superman!

Oh, my God!

A-Money!

I still think we should go around.

She just got some serious air, bro!

You call that serious air?

Check this f***ing sh*t out.

Whoa!

Suck my clit, f***ers!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Oh, not again.

Yeah, baby!

Easy does it. Nothing fancy.

- Oh, my God. Look at what she's doing!

- I see it!

Sweet candied nuts.

Who are these girls?

Whoa!

Um...

Where did you guys learn to do that?

- We lived in Baja.

- Oh.

Tore up a lot of trail down there.

Made a lot of friends.

Made even more enemies.

God, I miss Baja.

Your turn, Mike! Don't be a p*ssy!

I'm not gonna do it.

Name calling doesn't work on me, so...

Mike, it'll turn me on

if you take that jump.

Turn me on if you don't.

Still not going to, still.

I'm not gonna do it.

Like we would ever do that.

No way.

Come on! Do it.

He's not gonna do it. Do it!

Do not do it.

No, definitely don't do that.

It's a bad idea. It's a stupid, dumb idea.

- And it's dangerous, and it's foolish.

- Yes, it is.

I'm gonna do it!

Mike!

- Oh, sh*t!

- Oh.

Oh!

I'm never gonna die!

- Oh, sh*t.

- He going fast.

Oh, no. Keep it straight!

Oh, he's shanking it.

Whoo! Got it, got it!

Oh, no, God!

Jeanie, move!

No!

No!

No!

No!

It's gonna be fine.

Your face is making me think

it's gonna be bad.

I'm sure it's not as bad as you think.

- You know?

- No. Yeah.

Just show us what we're working with,

and it'll be fine.

- Okay.

- Okay?

Is it okay?

- Oh, my God!

- Oh! God! Oh!

Wow! Don't you look good?

- Your face!

- Shut up, Mike!

You shut up, Becky!

Have you seen her face?

Oh, God! What?

It looks like you were making meth,

and the bathtub exploded.

You look like Burn Victim Barbie.

Hush it up!

And you're Black Ken.

- Stop!

- Okay.

It's like an exaggerated smoky eye.

Dave, be honest. Is it bad?

This side, there's a little...

- There's a little discoloration there.

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