Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates Page #6

---

- Little discoloration.

Which side is it?

You could do a dance the whole night

where you just hold a hand over your face.

- Oh, that's smart.

- Okay.

It's like a new thing.

- Do the Jeanie, do the Jeanie

- Like this?

- Come on, everybody! Do the Jeanie.

- Do it.

- I'm doing the Jeanie.

- Do the Jeanie, y'all.

It's a one-two step.

All right, that's enough.

Enough dancing! You and you...

outside, now!

Honey, calm down.

- Honey, calm down.

- Sorry.

Do you understand they've deformed

our little girl...

the day before her goddamn wedding?

She looks like Seal, for Christ's sake!

Oh! Why, Dad?

Ow!

Do you think he's gonna spank us?

What?

Never mind.

I haven't seen him this pissed

in a long time.

OOP-

Yeah. It's the other door.

They meet in the middle.

- They meet in the middle.

- God damn it!

Dad, listen. I know what you're gonna say.

- You're right.

- We're gonna sue the ATV companies.

- Right?

- I see.

Not what I was gonna say.

Let's Erin Brockovich this b*tch.

Mike, stop!

You've got to own this.

This is your fault.

It's not.

If anything, it's the girls' fault.

They're crazy.

The girls aren't the problem!

You are.

What the hell did you think

was gonna happen, huh?

What did you think was gonna happen?

We had a plan.

The plan was to swim with dolphins...

and eat bananas afterwards.

See, Dad, I'm not gonna

point any fingers here...

but indirectly...

we wouldn't have been on ATVs

if the girls hadn't forced us to.

And who made us bring dates

in the first place?

- Not pointing fingers.

- Yeah.

All right. I'm gonna take back

what I said to you earlier.

I am going to lump you in together.

All right, you are lumped!

The hell is wrong with you, huh?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Dad.

F***.

Everyone get the f*** away from me.

Move! Adult Swim!

It's all f***ed now.

It's all f***ed, you know? Poor Jeanie.

Jeanie's special weekend, and I ruin it.

Hey, hey, hey, Alice?

That was not your fault, okay?

That's two weddings that I've ruined.

It's just like, "Stupid Alice!"

Look, it's too bad that

Jeanie's face got shredded...

but this is supposed to be our vacay.

Remember? We're supposed

to be having fun...

and going on adventures.

Get in here with me.

I'm gonna find her.

I'm gonna make it up to her.

No, no! You're not listening to me.

Don't leave me!

Thanks again for letting me

join your spa day, ladies.

It's not like you asked or anything,

but you're here. Yay.

What did you guys do

for your bachelorette party?

Did it get crazy?

Did you guys do that thing...

where you go to Vegas

and you dress up as a prostitute...

and you go out and there's a contest...

to see who can get the most money

from a john...

but then you tell him,

"I'm an undercover cop"...

and they, like, beg that you don't tell

their children and their wives...

and they piss themselves,

and you've got the whole thing on video.

And then you put it on YouTube

and then there's the Auto-Tune remix.

Did you do that thing?

- No.

- No.

I didn't actually end up having one, so...

Why? Every bride

needs a bachelorette party.

I'm sorry Cabo didn't work out, Jeanie.

I know. It's fine.

You know I couldn't get the time off work.

And it would have ruined it for you,

down there without me.

Is there some tension about this?

So I just thought, "Let's cancel

the whole trip," if that makes sense.

Jeanie, can you keep it down?

On the phone with Tokyo.

Did I bring up something uncomfortable?

Also, I caught the shingles

because it was so stressful.

'Cause it feels like I did.

Plus they have Mexican bed bugs.

I need you guys to stop it!

Oh, that f***ing gaping mouth of yours,

shut it!

Shut it!

I just want to relax!

Is that too much to ask?

Please! I just wanna relax.

How are you feeling, Jeanie?

A little stressed out.

- I'll give you a minute to disrobe.

- Yeah, okay.

Face down on the table.

Hi, um, that is my best friend in there...

and she's getting married tomorrow,

and she's a little uptight.

And I was wondering if you could, um,

help her let loose a little bit?

You know?

Give her the "Hawaii Five Oh" experience?

The wink-wink, nudge-nudge massage,

you know?

I can't really wink,

but a wink-wink, nudge-nudge?

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

Looks like you had a bit of a fit.

No, no. That's wink... That's wink-wink...

I feel like I've gotten

what you're trying to say.

- Great.

- But I figured it out.

- You didn't really communicate it to me.

- Okay, that's fair.

Yes, you want the special

"I am blissful" massage?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Um...

- How blissful is that?

- Oh, don't worry.

Physically, no penetration.

Classy.

Spiritually, I'll be doing

an intimate tour of her chi.

Oh, you're gonna be good in there.

I can tell.

How's the temperature in here, Jeanie?

Oh, it's good. Good. Comfy.

Good. Take down the light a little bit.

So you're getting married, huh?

I am. Yeah.

I know it can be a stressful time.

You know it's like, "Who is this for,

me or my family?"

Yeah. I've recently had

an injury to my face...

which I'm a little stressed out about.

Are you okay with oil?

Yeah, sure.

You know, in my country...

they call oil "God's beautiful lubricant."

It sounds better in my language.

Oh, that's lovely.

'kay.

Some ground rules.

One, no emotions.

- Okay.

- Two, breathe.

Three, there is no penetration,

only vibration.

What is happening?

I call this "The Bent Penguin."

This one is just "The Ham and Eggs."

This one is called "When Moons Collide."

"Angry Hummingbird." "Angry Hummingbird."

This one is called "House by the Airport."

Just checking in. Everything good?

Hope you're enjoying this.

For me, it's just another Friday.

"Happy Doll."

This one is just called

"Taking a Break." I am pooped.

A little break. That's nice.

Here we go again.

Are you even touching me?

No, but my aura is.

Yes, it is!

Sweet baby Jesus!

How's it going?

Sh*t, I thought I was alone in here.

Oh, yeah. You're not. I mean, we're alone.

How's Mike? Still really jealous of me?

It's like, yeah, okay,

do I own a Tesla? Yes.

Do I make a sh*t-ton of money,

like, way more than Mike?

Yes. But it's like, who cares?

Do I get backstage tickets to Rihanna?

Do I have a glass blowing

studio in my basement?

Hold up, backstage tickets to Rihanna?

Yeah, she likes to have me around.

You know.

- RiRi is Alice's jam.

- Oh, RiRi, is it?

- Yes.

- That's funny.

She would freak out if I got her

backstage tickets to Rihanna.

Well, you could get her tickets.

From me. I'm right here.

Are you serious?

Oh, God, steam rooms just open up

your pores, you know?

They open up everything.

Backstage at RiRi is very fun.

Sometimes she plays the DJ.

You know, just scratching records.

You know like...

Sh*t, man. That's...

Are you saying you want me

to get in there for the tickets?

No. No, no, no. No.

Yes.

Tatiana?

Tatiana? Whoa.

Sorry about that.

Looking for my wedding date.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes