Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates Page #7

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Tatiana?

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Please leave, sir.

What are you doing to my sister?

- Mike, I'm coming.

- No!

Get out!

Oh, sure. Oh, sure. Oh, sure.

So, are we, like, close, or...

Let's put the washing machine

on spin cycle. There we go.

What the... Tatiana!

Terry!

Terry!

- Tatiana!

- Shut the f*** up, Mike.

Whoa!

I'm gonna kick your ass.

He is losing this fight!

Oh, God! I can see your nipple!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Get your butt out of my face!

Well, thank you so much.

Um, I definitely needed this.

I know.

Bring this gift into your marriage.

- All you need is load-bearing ribbons.

- Okay.

- And a reinforced ceiling.

- Oh.

I should warn you...

you may experience some

aftershock orgasms.

Oh.

So, I wouldn't operate any heavy machinery

for a couple weeks.

That is not a euphemism for penis.

I mean like...

- tractors, cranes, big boats.

- Okay.

Good to know.

- Oh, and please hydrate.

- Okay.

I cannot stress this enough.

The consequences could be...

You could develop cancer.

You have a very good friend.

Wait, you did that?

Yeah, well, I felt so bad

about your f***ed up face...

and I wanted to make it up to you.

Aw! Thank you.

Hey, who needs a bachelorette party

when they have you around?

- He rubbed my butt.

- Yeah?

But with his butt.

It was like... He was on ribbons.

I don't know what you did

with Jeanie in the spa...

but she's in a great mood.

Yeah, no problem.

She just needed a release.

Oh, um, I had an idea for your graphic novel.

I thought you could do

like a Rum character,

who's like Rastafarian, and he's like...

"I'm Rum Rum, get in my tum-tum,

and I play the steel drum."

"You can rum, but you cannot hide, man."

Yeah, that's awesome.

Already, that's so amazing.

No, that's such a good idea.

How did I not figure that?

I think when I get back,

I'm gonna stop selling liquor with Mike...

and start drawing full time.

- Really?

- Yeah.

That's amazing.

Do you know how few people

know what they really wanna do?

But then I think about

what Mike's gonna think about it all...

and he's gonna hate that idea.

He's so clingy.

When we were kids,

if I fell asleep before Mike...

he would always wake me up

so he wouldn't feel alone.

- That's kinda sweet.

- Yeah.

I don't know. I just...

Do you ever get that feeling...

that you're not good enough

to get what you really want...

so you're too scared to try?

All the time.

- Really?

- Like, all the time. It's terrifying.

- It is, it's terrifying.

- Yeah.

You're, like, stuck.

- Totally.

- Yeah.

Thanks. It's nice talking to you

about this.

Hey. Where you going?

Is there a gang bang in the ballroom

you need to emcee?

Don't be such a drama king.

Yeah, I'm totally overreacting.

When you invite someone to a wedding...

they obviously are supposed to

finger diddle your family members.

That's common courtesy!

Okay, hold up. I am a grown-ass woman.

I can finger diddle whomever I want.

Just because you say "whomever"

does not make it okay.

It's not a big deal.

It's just like texting someone.

- Oh.

- It's just like Tinder.

Swipe right, swipe right, swipe left.

Swipe left, swipe right.

That's very graphic. That is...

Rotating your photos.

Expanding them, contracting them.

Are you deliberately trying to hurt me?

Is that what you're doing?

What? No!

I was just trying to get RiRi tickets...

to make my best friend feel better, okay?

We're on vacay.

No...

You are invited to my sister's wedding.

You're supposed to smile, nod...

and do what I want you to do.

That's the deal.

I thought that we had a connection.

Like a spark.

You thought you were gonna bring me here

so that you could have sex with me.

Yes. No! What? Yeah, right.

Really?

Yes, obviously.

You are so hot. And you smell good.

It's not a weird thing that I wanna have

sex with you...

because you are very sexy...

and you were leading me on,

and we are in Hawaii...

which is a sexy place,

and people have sex here.

God, dude,

you built this all up in your head.

Alice and I just saw you on TV...

- wanted to go to Hawaii.

- Hold up.

F***.

You saw us on TV?

No, I don't even watch Wendy Williams.

What?

- What?

- Shh!

I thought you dug me.

Are you even a teacher?

No.

What about little Julio...

the dyslexic boy

who you taught how to read?

Made it up. All of it.

Although I did have sex

with this guy name Julio once...

and I'm pretty sure he couldn't read.

Here I thought you were Michelle Pfeiffer

from Dangerous Minds.

Turns out, you're Michelle Pfeiffer

from Scarface.

And you didn't even

say hello to my little friend.

Oh, come on, man.

Mike.

I'm really sorry. Um...

I've been acting crazy.

It's probably about Luke, my ex.

Oh, yeah. The guy who

died in the plane crash...

with cancer, and AIDS, and stuff.

Yeah, that's the one.

Except none of that stuff happened,

'cause, um...

I lied.

You lied?

I can't do this.

Wait.

Sorry.

- That's okay. That's okay.

- Sorry everyone.

I just forgot my phone.

Can I grab my phone?

Sorry, I still don't want to get married.

Oh, my gosh. That's almost

as bad as the plane crash story.

Why didn't you just tell me?

I didn't want you to think

I was damaged goods.

I would never think that.

"Love hurts.

"Love scars.

"Love wounds, and mars."

That's from a really old song,

for old people.

Why are you so nice?

'Cause I think you're nice.

David!

David, I need you here with me now.

Come on.

No. No.

Stangles, assemble. Now!

- Let's go.

- Is he okay?

Yeah, I think he's fine.

He's just got a lot on his mind.

Let's go!

Okay, I'm coming, dude. Jeez.

Oh... I...

You gave me a boost up. Okay.

A line has been drawn, David.

A clear line in the sand.

Is that why you brought me

all the way down here...

so you could literally

draw a line in the sand?

I'm a visual thinker, David.

- God damn it!

- Son of a...

These girls, they've gotta go.

They pretended to dig us

just to get a free trip to Hawaii.

They're liars!

So what, man? So they lied.

I was talking to Alice.

You have no idea

what this girl's been through.

She needed this trip.

We might have saved her life.

We should be practicing our speech

for tonight.

Not babysitting the twins

from The Shining.

Oh, my God.

Why are you laughing at me?

You sound like mom and dad

when they're talking about us.

Well, no, f*** that noise.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Guess what! You're gonna love this.

Tatiana was jerking off our cousin Terry.

- What?

- Mmm-hmm.

Cousin Terry has a dick?

No, not "jerking off" jerking off.

The female version of jerking.

Dude, let's just chill out...

focus on Jeanie,

and try not to be a**holes...

for the rest of the weekend, okay?

Can we do that?

I can't do that, David.

Because I saw our little sister...

What?

Well, let's just say

she was making this face...

What? She saw a ghost?

She really had to pee?

Doing vocal warmups?

What are you doing?

It looks like you're having an orgasm.

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