Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates Page #8

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She was, David! With the masseuse.

- What!

- Yes!

Oh, my God!

- She orgasms like a star.

- No!

What's next?

I'm gonna walk in on mom

giving dad a Push Pop?

What's a Push Pop?

I made it up, Dave.

It's a sexual term that I just made up.

- What's a Push Pop?

- I don't know.

- What's a Push Pop?

- I don't know!

What's a Push Pop?

I've been to the bowels of the Internet,

and I've never seen a Push Pop.

God, just tell me! What's a Push Pop?

It's a whole hand up an ass, David.

Is that what you want me to say?

- Oh, God!

- Two hands pushin' the pop.

- Oh, God.

- Is that what you want me to say?

I'll send you some links.

- We're at table two.

- I'll be at the bar.

- I said table two.

- I'll be at the bar!

You're out of control!

Thank you.

Trouble in paradise?

Freaking I don't care if I cause a scene.

Freaking I will punch you 17,000 times

in the face. Freaking.

Take a shot.

You look like Don Johnson

f***ed Zack Morris.

Wait till Tatiana hears your shitty speech

after my crazy dope one.

She's never gonna

touch your baby bird again.

Thriller-Terry out!

So sad!

Oh, my God. It's a movie about cameras

just following you everywhere.

- Like The Truman Show.

- Yeah! Exactly like The Truman Show!

Hey, Dave! Dave!

Hey, what's up?

I need you to come backstage right now

and practice the speech.

Uh...

Dude, I'm kind of

talking to Alice right now.

Which is a conversation

you've now interrupted twice.

Our speech needs to kill.

Terry got a punch up from Chris Rock.

I didn't want to tell you before

because I didn't want you to freak out.

I'm not freaking out.

Calm the f*** down, Dave!

You calm the f*** down!

Mike, you look like

your face is gonna pop.

You gonna come or what?

Let's go.

I'll see you backstage.

Uh...

- I'm gonna go deal with this real quick.

- Okay.

I'll just talk to myself for a while.

All alone.

...look on your stupid face!

What's wrong with me?

Don't f***ing look at her. Turn around.

Everybody get the f*** out of here.

F*** you, Luke.

I'm just gonna have

a little lie down, okay?

Hi!

- Hi!

- Hi!

Did you need to

take a little breather, too?

No. Why? Are you?

Well...

You know, you think that

every moment is going to feel...

warm and glowy...

and absolutely magical.

But, then, some stuff happens.

- Sure does.

- Yeah.

Well, if you want

warm, glowy and magical...

I have just the thing.

I don't leave home without it.

- Ecstasy.

- Oh!

Every bride deserves to have a little fun

the night before her wedding!

Yeah. I deserve to have a little fun.

You are so nice to me.

Aww.

This is gonna be so much fun!

- We should find something to suck on.

- What? Oh.

- Mike!

- Here. Put these on.

- We need headsets?

- Yeah!

There's a lot of dancing

in our speech, my man. Right?

Gotta go hands free.

This is how we do it, baby.

Come on. Hey, check this out.

I'm going to "wedding crash" cousin Terry.

What?

Put a few eye drops in her drink.

That way she shits all night,

and can't do the speech.

Just like in the movie Wedding Crashers.

Mike, that is a terrible idea.

- You've seen the movie!

- Of course I've seen the movie.

- You love that movie.

- Everyone loves that movie.

How's it a bad idea if you love the movie?

I love Taken.

I don't want to go steal little girls.

But we shouldn't wedding crash

our own cousin.

I'm worried about you, man.

I'm really worried

that you're losing your mind.

The look in your eyes right now...

You haven't blinked

since we've started talking.

Oh, Davie, Davie, Davie!

What?

I've never been in more control

in my entire life.

Mike!

Mike!

This is really intense.

Yeah, it's hitting me really hard.

This is good ecstasy.

I don't know. I wouldn't know.

It's my first time.

- Wait, what?

- What?

Why would you take ecstasy

for the first time

on the night before your wedding?

What?

That is so baller!

Like a tiny blonde gangsta!

This little gangsta would kill

for a motherfucking ginger ale!

- Do you wanna go?

- Mmm-hmm.

Okay, let's go.

Hello, everyone. Please take your seats.

Welcome to the rehearsal dinner

for my man, Eric...

and his bride-to-be, the lovely Jeanie.

They're two of the sweetest, best people

I ever met.

All right. Our first speaker tonight...

is resident nasty girl...

Cousin Terry.

We can't let Terry crush.

It's not fair!

No. Give it to me.

My eyes are dry. Just give it to me.

Do you guys know who Chris Rock is?

He's my neighbor, and he helped me out

with a little something I like to call...

"My speech."

Stop. You're wasting it.

You're wasting the poison.

Mike, this is baby safe.

They removed the active ingredient,

Tetrahydrozoline, like 20 years ago!

It worked on Wedding Crashers!

That was not real life!

Now let's talk about destination weddings!

It's like a vacation...

without the relaxation!

That's true.

Why aren't you on my side, Dave?

What?

I'm done with this sh*t, man.

I'm not doing our stupid speech.

In fact, I'm quitting our liquor business.

There it is!

- Really?

- Yeah.

And what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna draw!

I'm gonna work on my graphic novel,

and Mom's gonna help me cover the rent.

Boom!

You traitor!

I ain't gotta rehearse!

I know how to eat dinner.

Keith, can you turn me up a little bit?

You turn your back on me

when everyone else does.

Backstabbing, treacherous lying coward!

Ooh, I don't think they know they're on.

What? Where is that coming from?

I don't know what I did!

It doesn't matter, Mike.

You're losing your mind.

You just tried to poison our cousin Terry!

Try a little harder. Am I right?

You're goddamn right I did.

Because I wanted her to sh*t

hot brown poop all over that stage.

That is unacceptable.

The mics are on, boys.

I wanted her butt to explode

like a rotten cantaloupe.

The mics are on!

You're just f***ing pissed off

because Tatiana finger diddled Terry.

There it is!

It was for tickets to Rihanna.

You're sad, man. You are sad.

I'm gonna kick your ass

just like when we were kids.

- Oh!

- My God!

- Do you wanna go?

- Don't do it!

These are coming your way.

Just stop!

God! That had to hurt.

Don't do it again.

Oh!

Why do you keep punching me?

Why do you keep rushing at me?

Get him, Dave.

Oops, who said that?

This wedding is going to hell!

Yes.

They're out there,

smiling like f***ing idiots.

And they don't realize the bride...

is getting off at massage parlors...

like a goddamn Vietnam War veteran.

I think they misunderstood what happened.

I think they just misunderstood.

I walked in and saw little Jeanie...

the bride-to-be, orgasming.

The masseuse got her off.

God damn it!

Jeanie!

I hate you!

The rehearsal dinner is over.

Drinks by the pool, everybody.

Drinks by the pool.

Everything feels so good, right?

Yep.

You know what

I've been thinking about a lot?

Tell me.

Eric is so sweet and sensitive.

Kind, good, fianc.

Probably great husband and stuff, but...

Do you think Eric is boring?

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