Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates Page #9

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Boring?

Like for my honeymoon...

all I wanted to do

was go on a hot air balloon...

to different countries around the world.

And just be surrounded by wicker.

We could have wicker picnic baskets...

and I could make picnic hats

out of wicker.

We would be wearing

matching Chuck Taylors.

- And he vetoed it.

- Oh!

Because he wants to go to a resort,

and just...

- ...perch.

- What?

I am a young woman...

- Preach!

- There is so much for me to see.

- Yes.

- I haven't even been to Burning Man.

I don't even know what Amsterdam is like.

I haven't been to Seattle.

You've never been to Seattle?

No!

- Seattle's gonna change your f***ing life!

- Really?

You need to get out of this cage!

I am in a cage...

just like these horses are caged.

Just let them out.

Huh?

Let them all out.

Be free! No one can hold you down!

Be free, my friends! Follow your dreams!

Here to pile on?

Go ahead.

Any insult you can think of...

I've probably told myself a million times.

Why were you trying to poison your cousin?

I was jealous of the whole

steam room incident.

That is some crazy sh*t.

That's like something I would do.

This one time in high school...

this b*tch tried to hit on my boyfriend...

and I cut off her ponytail

while she was sleeping...

and I wore it to school for a month.

What the f***?

But you tried to poison your cousin.

Look. I'm sorry I've been so rough

on you, okay?

I honestly think it's

because you're so much like me.

You act all confident...

but, inside, you're scared of everything.

You act like you don't care

what people think...

but you really care what people think.

And you try to act so smart...

but sometimes...

you're just afraid

you're the dumbest person in the world.

I'm so dumb.

I'm constantly saying words

that I don't know the meaning of.

Like, I use this word, "assuage"...

all the time.

Can you assuage me the ketchup?

Can I assuage you a few questions?

- Is that the meaning of it?

- I don't know.

But it's like, I'm so stupid...

but I act all confident,

so people listen to me.

And it's f***ed up.

Me, too. I'm a natural born leader.

Like George Washington.

Yeah.

Or another leader.

All right, here's one.

But I'm about to get super real

with you. Okay?

I thought I was destined

for such great things...

but I may never achieve anything.

Sister.

Have you been reading my diary?

Yes.

Okay.

You are beautiful!

On to Seattle!

Alice?

Am I glowing?

I can see sounds and hear colors.

Be free!

What the f*** are the horses doing out?

Who the f*** are you guys?

F***ing gypsies!

Francisco! Francisco, run!

Whoa! Sh*t!

Hey.

Dave! Hi.

What's up? What's up with you?

- What's going on? Are you okay?

- Me?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Oh. Yeah. Well...

Yeah. See, what happened was that...

there was a tsunami,

and it took away our clothes...

but it brought these horses.

What?

And then, we wanted to get naked

because of Lady Godiva...

but then horses can't eat chocolate.

They could have an aneurysm.

Where's Jeanie?

Hey, don't yell at her

just because she's the one...

- that told me to go to Seattle.

- Holy sh*t!

- I've always wanted to go!

- Oh, my God!

That is not her fault.

- Oh, my eyes!

- What's the matter?

Stop yelling. Why are you yelling?

David, stop yelling.

You're being loud. And this a happy time.

This a really good time.

There's nothing wrong. So who's at fault?

Did you know that Hitler's parents

were second cousins?

- Do you have any water?

- Put your clothes on!

I'm a woman, Dave. Deal with it.

Because this is the bush

that you came out of.

I didn't come from that bush.

I came from Mom's bush. And you know that.

Jeanie! Oh, my God!

You're completely naked!

- Hi, Becky!

- God, your bush is huge.

- You look tall.

- No, ma'am.

I told you to stay away

from these b*tches.

Alice, seriously, are you tripping?

No. God, no.

Why would say that?

Just because everything feels really soft?

Please. Just tell me the truth.

Are you on drugs?

We're super f***ed up. Yeah.

What?

We started with ecstasy,

but then I went into my mystery bags.

Why the f*** would you do that?

Don't you judge me, David.

I don't think you're supposed to

go into the mystery bag...

the night before the wedding.

We brought you here

because we thought you were nice girls.

But Mike was right about you two.

This whole wedding weekend

is just going to sh*t!

Dave, I'll be honest with you.

I need some clothes.

I can't continue to wear this horse.

Oh, my God.

Oh, the wind feels so nice.

Come on, come on, come on.

We should go in the ocean. I'm so thirsty!

Dave, we should get in the ocean.

Please, please, please, just be quiet.

I love this song.

There's no music playing.

Baby, wait.

Don't worry. Only our butts touched.

Stop it. Don't freak out anymore, Pumpkin!

Don't freak out? Don't freak out?

Tell me one thing.

Did you enjoy it?

No.

That is such a "yes" no.

No.

I'm gonna ask you again. Did you enjoy it?

Yes! Oh.

Well...

Cat's out of the frigging bag, isn't it?

I went for a normal massage...

but Alice, she had asked

for a little special treat.

And then it just kept coming,

and coming, and coming, and...

Who are these f***ing girls

your brothers brought to this wedding?

You are clearly on drugs.

And we're getting married tomorrow!

I'm scared, Pumpkin.

Aren't you scared?

Well, yeah, now I am.

It's just that...

I'm just a little worried that you are...

boring.

What are you saying?

You don't want to marry me?

Well...

No, she doesn't mean that.

She's just confused...

because she's just rolling

super hard right now.

You rolled her!

- You're the roller!

- I'm so sorry.

I was gonna draw Rum for you.

But not anymore.

Everything is not irie, man!

You've made me so, so sad.

But a little bit mad.

But mostly just sad.

Oh!

- Dad!

- Don't!

Mike, for once in your life...

please don't say a f***ing word.

I hate them sometimes.

F***ing love them and they're d*cks.

Sometimes I love them,

sometimes I hate them.

Everything okay over there?

I can't find my other sock.

It's pissing me off.

Did you take my sock, bro?

No.

I think you took my f***ing sock, bro.

God damn it.

I can't believe Jeanie and Eric

aren't getting married...

and it's all our fault.

It's slightly our fault.

It's totally our fault. F***.

We got selfish. We got distracted.

I don't think we were

#DoingltForJeanie at all.

We weren't #DoingltForJeanie.

Our f***ing little sister.

Our little Jeanie Beanie Weanie.

She is Stanglita.

The one little girl

we used to let into our Stang Hangs.

The Stangle Dangle.

The smallest plane in the Stangar.

Don't do it, dude.

We're supposed to be her protector.

Don't you cry.

We're supposed to look out for her.

Stop it.

We're supposed to be the two dudes

that have her back no matter what.

If you start, I'm gonna start.

We broke up her marriage.

Of course I'm f***ing doing it, man.

We ruined Jeanie's wedding.

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