Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates Page #10

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I'm doing it, too.

I hate it.

Oh, man, we f***ed up this wedding.

Yeah.

We f***ed it in the dick.

You know I don't like it when you say that.

That's just...

I know, but we f***ed it so hard. F***.

I think the reason we get ourselves

into so much sh*t is...

we're always telling each other

we're so awesome...

when we're definitely not being awesome.

That's deep.

Yeah, you know what? Um...

I wanted you to feel better...

and get your groove back...

but not all the way better to where...

you wouldn't need me anymore.

Because if you don't need me...

then nobody needs me, and, um...

Anyway, that's what I was thinking

when I was knuckles deep into Cousin Terry.

Dude, we're always gonna need each other.

Okay.

Okay, here's the thing.

I don't wanna stop being us.

But I think occasionally...

we should think about

how we make other people feel.

Like Jeanie?

Yeah, like Jeanie.

- Oof.

- Or like Eric.

Oh, f***.

This feels f***ing terrible.

This does not feel good.

Like, Dave's so special and...

He must be so mad at me.

Poor Mike.

He's less special,

but I played him so hard.

They must be so mad at us!

They must hate us. F***! I would hate us.

I would f***ing hate us!

I hate us, man. I hate us!

I hate us, too!

But you're the best, dude. I love you.

Don't lump yourself in with me.

I'm like a little troll...

who lives on nothing but

river water and squirrel meats.

Your drawing?

I could never do anything like that.

- So go. You go right now.

- What?

Go!

Don't let your loser older brother

hold you back.

You are not a loser.

Thanks, Dave.

Dude, you introduced me

to the Ninja Turtles.

Taught me Donatello was a p*ssy.

That Raphael was actually dope...

because he didn't give a f***

what people thought.

He's cool, but rude.

Exactly.

When all those kids kicked at me

and they called me "Moist"...

you stopped eating muffins

at the school lunch for a year.

They were too moist.

Made you an easy target.

You're my brother. And I love you.

Heroes in a half shell.

Turtle power.

We're not going anywhere...

until our little sister,

Jeanie Beanie Weanie...

is getting married.

You just killed the TV.

I was aiming for it.

We are such idiots. We are so stupid.

We ruined your whole wedding...

and we finally just realized that.

All right. Please just stop talking, okay?

Not another word. My head hurts so bad.

Jeanie, Eric.

We can't let you not get married

just because we f***ed everything up.

We love you so much, Jeanie.

We love you, Eric.

We just want you guys to love each other.

- Just love each other.

- That's it.

Jeanie, Eric.

We can't let you not get married.

Yeah. Just because

we f***ed everything up?

I mean, we want you guys

to love each other.

Love each other.

Okay. This is bizarre,

because we literally did that...

...exact same thing.

We're even doing this hand motion.

Yeah, all that was ours.

The point is, this sh*t is all our fault.

No, it's our fault.

No, it's definitely our fault.

It is our fault for sure.

No, no, no. For real.

If anything, it's my fault.

Shh! Please stop.

Everyone shut the f*** up!

Jesus Hussein Christ.

God damn it!

Been trying to read this same paragraph...

for 20 minutes.

But you four f***ing morons

keep on f***ing with my sh*t.

We've only been here for three minutes...

so those other 17 minutes...

- that's kind of on you...

- Mike!

I'm using hyperbole.

I don't know what that means,

and I think you know that I don't.

Mike, do me a favor. Shut the f*** up.

Go Eric.

Shut up too!

I mean, God damn it!

You're all self-absorbed,

barely-functioning...

codependent weirdos!

- Yeah.

- I know.

- That's pretty spot-on.

- We just figured that out.

- Those are not good qualities.

- We're gonna work on it.

- It's been a long time.

- It's been so many years.

We're both very confused.

No, no. You're not confused.

You're just coming down off MDMA.

Sorry. Which I gave you.

And Eric, you can't blame her

for anything she said last night.

I've done so much stupid sh*t on E.

I got so dehydrated that

I was drinking puddle water...

and I had to go to the hospital...

'cause puddles are really dirty.

One time I was on peyote...

and I signed up for a T-Mobile plan.

One time I got high.

I read the back of a shampoo bottle

for 13 hours.

Because it said "repeat."

- Rinse and repeat.

- I get it.

Jeanie, I know you think

that Eric can be boring...

Enough of this talk of boring!

Damn it!

Sixty percent of my investments

are in some pretty aggressive stocks.

I don't always look both ways

when I cross the street.

I've been known to have

a second glass of wine...

with my dinner, every now and then.

I once went to see a movie...

walked across the hallway,

saw a second movie.

Didn't pay till after.

Is that boring?

Is that boring?

- What'd you say?

- Yeah.

- You're right. We were wrong.

- That was pretty boring.

Well, how about this for boring?

Bam!

Two hot air balloon tickets

for our honeymoon.

I know you really wanted to go...

so I got these tickets a while ago

to surprise you.

Surprise.

Aww!

Baby, you're so afraid of heights.

- Baby, I'm f***ing terrified of heights.

- Yeah.

But my biggest fear...

is to not be the husband that you deserve.

Baby, I'm sorry I f***ed

so much of this up...

but I promise that masseuse...

He didn't touch my lavender juice box.

Oh God, baby. I love you.

And I know I want to marry you.

Today, if you'll still have me.

Babe, of course. Are you kidding me?

Kiss her.

Baby, I'm crazy about you.

Aww!

I want to marry you right now...

but, baby, we already canceled

all the vendors.

I don't think they're going to

let us get married here.

Leave that to us.

Leave that to all of us.

- Yeah!

- Let's go, Mike.

This way! Oh, f***!

We'll actually just head around.

- Girl.

- I'm good.

So what part you like, brah?

- We need the whole pig.

- I can't give you a whole pig.

But we need to feed 100 people.

Could we please, please

have the wedding here?

For the last time, we're out of venues.

- Hold me back. Hold me back, please.

- What?

Give us a place!

Everybody out of the way!

It's hot. So hot!

- Out of the f***ing way!

- I want my pig back!

What if I supplied all the liquor...

for every bar in this hotel...

at wholesale prices

for the next three years?

- Deal.

- Yes! F*** yes!

I'll get you guys a venue.

Keith, get it together.

We need to move, move, move.

I'm doing my best.

Hell yeah!

And now... a reading...

from the children's book

that I got in the lobby.

- Oh.

- "Aloha moon.

"Aloha sea.

"Aloha you.

"Aloha me."

- I do.

- I do.

By the power vested in me...

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Those a**holes kind of did it.

Yeah.

Those a**holes kind of did.

You may kiss the bride.

Okay. Kiss the bride.

Kiss the bride.

Yeah!

- You designed this?

- Yeah.

Insane. We're at a wedding,

it's in the shape of a heart.

That was a really good idea.

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