Mike Tyson: Undisputed Truth Page #7

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the Cosbys, man. Really. "

I'm just standing there looking

at this pretty motherf***er, right?

I don't know if I'm gonna

f*** him up or f*** him.

I don't know

what I'm gonna do.

I don't know if I'm gonna

boom, boom!

F*** you!

Boom! Boom!

No, I wasn't

gonna do that.

( panting )

( laughs )

Oh, look at that.

So cool.

They're so cool.

It's funny when

you think about it,

'cause, really,

Brad wasn't sh*t back then.

And Robin kind of was.

But now she's a cold fart

and he's hot sh*t.

Give me a job, Brad,

all right?

Sh*t, even better,

adopt me, know what I mean?

Plus, you never paid

that p*ssy bill, motherf***er.

Sh*t.

Oh, man. Look at me.

I'm the dumbest nigga

in the history

of dumb niggas.

Ain't that some sh*t?

Ain't this... "I got

a girl! I got a girl!"

F***ing stupid.

And she's like,

"Yeah, I got you. "

She's like, "Yeah, I got you. I got you.

I got your wallet, Mike.

You're a dumb n*gger, Michael.

I got your wallet. "

Look at that ridiculous weave.

Can you believe that sh*t?

- That's some big Staten Island hair

sh*t, right? - Man: Long Island, Mike.

No, Long Island got the big hair.

Long Island got the big hair.

So me and Robin was only

married eight months,

but by Hollywood standards,

that's like 20 years.

So I was 20,

she was 21.

We were young. I didn't

know what I was doing.

I didn't have no money,

never had no p*ssy.

So we ain't have a clue what

we were getting ourselves into,

but her mama Ruth

sure did. Yeah.

Who I so endearingly liked to

refer to as "Ruth the Ruthless. "

They tag-teamed me worse

than Hulk Hogan and Mr. at WrestleMania, man.

I tell ya, man, Rotten Robin

and Ruth the Ruthless,

they jumped on my wallet like a

pack of wild dogs from Africa, man.

You ever watch "National

Geographic" and "Animal Channel"?

Of course, it's this animal that

everybody's trying to get in Africa.

He's a very slick,

slender, sophisticated...

"didactyl" animal.

He has a black last name.

Thomson gazelle. Thomson.

The Thomson gazelle,

the Thomson gazelle.

The Thomson gazelle,

you know that animal, right?

So he's familiar...

the Thomson gazelle...

so the Thomson gazelle, he's very

didactyl, he's very sophisticated.

When he moves,

he's very...

"foomf, foomf, foomf. "

And then we have

the wild dogs of Africa.

There's normally

about nine or 14 in a pack

and they're on your ass

like this.

And then, of course, their thing

is wearing you down. Endurance.

So eventually

the Thomson dudes dropped

from exhaustion

and then they go to eating his

ass. They go right into his ass...

they rip his stool out then they rip through

the rest of him then they eat his balls...

and that's what them ladies did to

me. They ate my ass alive, right?

I know when I said, "I do," I didn't

know that meant your mama, too, right?

( mimicking Robin Givens )

"Michael, we're a package deal.

You know you like

my mother, Michael.

Michael. "

And this experience

really taught me

that the apple doesn't fall

too far from the tree.

It is what it is.

How do I get...

( Beethoven's

Fifth Symphony plays )

I want me some

"Michelle 'Cicely' Tyson. "

He's a homo.

Uh, baby, subject to

assimilation.

Don King ugly.

Tyson's ugly. He a homo.

Read my lips,

I'll say it nice and slow...

Michelle Cicely Tyson

is a ho-mo.

Hear me!

"Mean" Mitch Green, y'all.

Unfortunately, this wouldn't be the

last time I would run into Mitch.

I would see him again.

This time it will be

at 4:
00 a. m. in the morning.

At Harlem

at the most famous

and luxurious

Dapper Dan boutique.

We up there getting fitted

for a beautiful, tailored...

no, it wasn't really

a tailored suit.

It was this bullshit-ass,

ridiculous white leather jacket

with "Don't Believe the Hype"

glued on the back.

And I got these white, tight

leather Daisy Duke shorts.

Don't judge me,

motherf***er.

I had good legs back then,

motherf***er.

I liked to whip it

and whip it.

So this is New York

and most of you are black,

so you know about

Dapper Dan.

And for those who don't,

Dapper Dan was

the man back then.

Every hip-hop artist/

drug dealer/killer/kidnapper/...

whatever you slash with,

you're up there.

So it's not really weird

to see people up there

at the wee hours of the night,

of course, right?

So I'm there feeling good,

all of a sudden,

my cool is interrupted

when this uncouth motherf***er

walks in the...

looking just like this.

He didn't have the shorts

and the gloves, of course,

but he had the sweatpants

and he had no shirt

and he had the hairdo.

I go here

and I'm trying on clothes

and Mitch comes in...

and then when Mitch comes in...

Mitch comes in

like this.

( laughter )

"B*tch-ass nigga, what the f***

you doing in my neighborhood,

you b*tch-ass nigga?!

You "Cicely Tyson"

homo-ass-b*tch nigga.

What... you wanna jump?

Don't jump, nigga.

Don't jump...

don't do this, nigga. "

And, um...

I'm trying to

stay cool, right,

because I'm in

this white world.

I got endorsements.

I got Pepsi-Cola.

Not now, back then.

I got Kodak.

Not now, back then.

I got Bank of America

before it was Bank of America.

Not now, back then.

'Cause white people love me.

Not now, back then.

So I don't got time to f***

around with a $2 nigga, right?

If you have any kind of

success anywhere in the world,

you got some f***in'

Jewish influence.

You got these Jewish managers,

lawyers, and accountants and sh*t.

And they ain't

no big motherfuckers,

but every time I see them

in verbal altercations,

and they says some slick sh*t

from the side of their mouth,

they never got their ass whipped

or hurt or anything, right?

So I thought I'd try

this sh*t on Mitch

mixed with my little

Brooklyn sh*t, right?

So I say, um,

"Now, Mitch,

what are you doing?

Now trust me, Mitch,

by all means,

I don't really believe this

is advantageous to your health.

I already

kicked your ass now.

You need to proceed to

the nearest exit immediately. "

And it didn't work for me.

Why did I say that sh*t?

Why did I say that sh*t?

He said, "What, b*tch?! Nigga,

you ain't beat me, nigga!

That Don King... he ain't

give me no per diem, man.

I ain't have no food, man. How am I

gonna fight with no food, you b*tch-ass,

dick-sucking fool, you

Tyson-ass-b*tch-ass-ho nigga.

Huh?"

I have this

speech coach, right...

and this is one of the words

that we worked on and stuff...

so suddenly I had

an epiphany.

I had

an epiphany, right?

I had an epiphany.

So I say, "I am Mike Tyson, right, the

baddest motherf***er on the planet, right,

I do not have

to take this sh*t. "

All that white world

that I wanted to be a part of

just went out the window.

I just get mad and Mitch

said, "F*** you, f*ggot!"

And it just slipped and I...

( yells )

Right? But it didn't

turn out cool.

I broke my hand

on this gorilla's face.

And listen, right,

you know,

after all that stuff,

I really don't even like

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