Mindhorn

1

[lips popping]

[Richard trilling] Bro.

Why.

[Richard scatting]

Bastard.

Brian.

Bra.

Bastard.

[Richard clearing throat]

Roo.

Ahem. I saw Susie

sitting in a shoe shine shop.

Barbara. Bastard.

Lemons, Lennon, liniment.

No. Lennon's lemon liniment.

[woman] A touch more powder,

Mr. Thorncroft.

Okay.

[clears throat]

There he is.

Okay, Clive, let's do this.

Hey, Richie, I'm just prepping

for the stunt later on, okay?

-Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

-So, Pat, she's gonna faint, okay?

And then you pull her up like this:

Keeping this very strong.

-Yep.

-Pelvis close and go for the kiss.

-Watch this.

-Clive, okay. I have read the script.

Something like this?

I've got you.

You've got me all right.

[crowd whistling and cheering]

[sighs] Save it for the take, baby.

-Plenty more where that came from. Ha, ha.

-[chuckles]

That was okay,

but don't open your mouth when you kiss

because it spreads germs

all around the set.

-When you're acting, purse your lips.

-Clive.

Clive. Clive.

We weren't acting. [chuckles]

-I was acting.

-What?

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Hello.

Pow! This little firecracker

is the real star of Mindhorn.

[chuckles] Maybe I could get

some more lines next time.

[Richard laughing] That's a good one.

-That's your handbrake there.

-Yeah, okay, walk away, Clive, walk away.

-Ready to shoot.

-[chuckles]

Shoes, Clive.

[Clive] Shoes coming in.

Shoes are safe.

[grunts]

Shoes going on.

Shoes on.

Okay, let's go.

[man 1] Okay, guys, first positions.

You know I love you.

[man 1] Turn over.

I love you, too, honey.

[man 2] Sound running.

-Truth time.

-[man 1] Action!

[narrator] In 1983, Special Agent

Bruce P. Mindhorn was captured

during a secret operation

on the Siberian border.

Communist doctors performed

experimental cybernetic surgery upon him.

They removed his eye and replaced it

with a super-advanced optical lie detector

which meant

he could literally see the truth.

He escaped Russia

and returned home to the Isle of Man.

Bruce Mindhorn became

the best plainclothes detective

the Isle of Man had ever seen.

[woman grunts]

In a world of lies,

one man has had enough.

You can't hide the truth from...

Mindhorn.

[man] Richard Thorncroft is an actor

on the crest of a wave.

Richard, he's strong

and sprints like a panther.

Acting is 95 percent physicality.

That's why I practice capoeira.

[man] Here we see Richard demonstrating

the art of the Ginga

that gives him his flexibility

as an actor.

Your mouth's saying no,

but your brain's saying yes.

[man] But in real life,

Richard's eye has fallen on

part-time actress and full-time lovely

Patricia Deville.

Richard and I are a wonderful team,

both at work and, hopefully,

in life forever.

[man] Such is the success of Mindhorn,

it's rumored that Windjammer,

played by Peter Easterman,

may even get his own show.

[laughing]

I-- I-- I can't envisage

any kind of spin-off.

[man] Spin-offs or not,

Richard's star is burning bright

thanks to publicity genius

Jeffrey Moncrief.

We work hard on Mindhorn,

but we play hard, too.

Sometimes too hard. Heh.

Hello, rehab. [laughing]

[man] But to stay at the top,

you need to be remarkable

both on-screen and off,

and Richard certainly knows

how to play that game.

The Isle of Man is a hole.

What?

Peter Easterman is not a great actor.

But when he is acting, he--

At least he stands there and does stuff.

[man] Whether Richard's winning awards

for his acting

or courting controversy

on top-rated chat shows,

it seems nothing can stop him

heading all the way to the top.

I'm going to Hollywood. Bye.

[man 1] Police in the Isle of Man

have discovered the body

of a young woman

washed up on Douglas beach.

[woman 1] Police are treating

Katya Lipinskii's death as murder.

[man 2] Police have confirmed

they have received several phone calls

from the suspect,

but have refused to divulge the content.

[phone ringing]

It's Plasticine.

It's here.

[ringing continues]

Hello?

[Melly] I've told you before,

there's only one person I will speak to,

Detective Mindhorn.

-Melly?

-My name is The Kestrel.

[Melly squawking]

Sorry. Sorry, sorry.

-The Kestrel.

-Thank you.

I'll call the police station tomorrow

and if I'm not talking

to Detective Mindhorn in person,

more people are going to die.

Signing off.

-[Melly squawking]

-[grunts]

[shouts]

[Green] Chief?

[Newsome] Oh, great.

Our chief suspect wants to talk

to a fictional f***ing detective.

Mindhorn.

It was f***ing shite and all.

Have you heard of haemotracteathosis?

It was on the menu

at my local Indian restaurant last night.

[both laughing]

Bruce, let me help you with this case.

I've told you before, I work alone.

What are we gonna do, chief?

You're crazy!

[Newsome] We've got 24 hours to produce

a convincing Mindhorn.

We'll have to bring the actor over

to take the call.

Tell that to the people

who stole my eye.

-Now, let's just think about this.

-[Newsome] Green's right.

Believe me, I wish that he wasn't.

Get me Mindhorn.

[Mindhorn on recording]

It's truth time.

[Richard] Baboons.

Baboons bring bliss.

The Benedict Cumberbatch backlash

has begun.

You are exactly where you need to be.

You are a powerful tiger.

Let's do this.

[speaking indistinctly]

-Bugger. Bugger.

-[man] Oi, keep it down, will you?

Yeah, okay. Sorry.

What you doing in there?

[man knocking on wall]

[humming]

[singing] Can't handcuff the wind

Ah, hello, lovely. Here for the casting.

Richard Thorncroft.

Oh, great. Mr. Branagh's nearly ready

for you, Richard.

-Crowthorne?

-Thorncroft.

The B man.

Kenny B.

[laughing] Bloody good to see you.

Let's crack this baby open.

Hi. Richard Crowthorne, eleven o'clock?

Oh.

Right.

[imitates Jamaican accent]

I speak the truth.

I am afeared of no man.

I am afeared of no creature.

I am my own man.

I am Clifton of Port Antonio.

Do you feel me?

Yeah, that's incredible.

That's-- That's literally incredible.

[clears throat]

-[in normal voice] Thank you.

-You're welcome.

Really, I mean, I don't know what to say,

but thank you.

I wanna try something.

I'd like to do it again.

But this time

I'd like to try it with a brogue.

Uh, no, I think we--

We're good, we've got everything.

I've seen everything

I could possibly want.

-You sure?

-[Kenneth] Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Well, acting aside,

it's been great to catch up.

[Richard laughing]

Kenny B. This guy was one crazy hombre

back in the day.

Do you remember that hotel in Maidstone?

Oh, who can-- Who can--

Who can forget that?

-Did a tour of Medway basin.

-Thank you.

And this fella-- [chuckles]

Well, they'll have to re-paper

that hotel room.

-[chuckles] Yeah.

-I love what you're doing these days.

Ken, I really admire your balls. Okay.

The B man.

Alrighty.

[Richard] The killer B.

The Branflake.

-Who was that?

-Not a f***ing clue.

Hey, brother.

-You got my details?

-Yeah.

[Richard] Lovely.

[woman] Sorry, Sarah.

Front desk say Richard Thorncroft is here.

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