Mindhorn Page #2

Oh, Christ. I'm with Simon.

Tell him to wait outside.

Ah, Richard, darling. How are you?

[woman] It's too late.

I couldn't stop him.

[Richard] How am I? Well, let me think.

I haven't had an audition in 18 months

and you get me a schizophrenic Yardie.

Sounds like a good part to me.

If you're a 60-year-old Jamaican man.

Sorry, Simon. I didn't realize it was you.

-Hello. Hi.

-Big, big fan.

Big fan. Caught your Equus in Chichester.

-Powerful piece of work.

-Great. Thank you.

And you were fantastic in, um...

Um...

Oh, God, my memory's gone these days.

-Uh, you were fantastic in it.

-Thank you.

Sorry about the cock-up.

It was the new assistant.

How could you mix me up with Crowthorne?

Do I not exist?

No one seems to know who I am.

Me and the Branster go way back.

I don't suppose you...

Simon, sweetie,

could you just give us a few moments?

I could have this salad.

-Come back. Two minutes.

-Yes, yes.

What the hell's going on?

You're going through a transitional phase.

You said that five years ago, Sarah.

I mean, you're moving

from young, handsome hero

-to older, still very handsome but not...

-Yes, yes.

What's happening with my autobiography?

Are there any takers, any bites?

[over comm] Very quiet time

for actors' autobiographies.

Is it really? It's not very quiet

for Peter Easterman, is it?

No, I don't think so. Volume three?

What's this one called?

What I Did Yesterday?

Windjammer's on its 16th season.

-Season.

-He's built a franchise.

He's even got his own range

of weatherproof clothing.

I did not get into this business

to sell cagoules.

You've gotta sell something, darling.

Sell this. Hmm?

This is a map of human emotion. Sell it.

Nobody can, darling.

You haven't got profile.

That's why you made me do

the Thrombi-Sox ads.

You said it would give me profile.

Thank God for Thrombi-Sox.

And that is not a sentence

I thought I'd ever utter.

Well, about Thrombi-Sox...

-What?

-They've gone in a different direction.

-[Richard] John f***ing Nettles?

-[chuckles]

Well, you told the director

he was an embryo.

[Richard] He was-- He's about 12.

Sit down and calm down, come on.

All is not lost.

I had a very interesting offer for you.

An offer?

From the police.

-What do you mean?

-They want you to talk to a suspect

and see if you can lure him into custody.

What? So, this is a voiceover

or something?

Yeah, a bit like a voiceover.

-He thinks Mindhorn is a real detective.

-[Richard] What?

Mindhorn, that was it.

You were wonderful in that.

That was your Amadeus.

Well, I mean, Amadeus was my Amadeus.

[Richard] Yeah, f*** off, Callow.

This is a private conversation

between me and my agent.

Just calm down. Sit down.

-I don't wanna sit down.

-Stand up, but calm down.

I'll sit down.

Sit down, then.

Okay, so, let's focus

on this Mindhorn thing.

I was bloody good in Mindhorn.

You'll be even better now.

You've matured like a fine wine.

-A man could get drunk on that wine.

-Great.

So, you go to the Isle of Man,

you take the call...

Sorry. Where?

The Isle of Man.

Uh, no. This isn't gonna work for me.

I do not go backwards.

-My career, I move forwards. Like a shark.

-Like a shark, yes.

But maybe going backwards

is the new going forwards.

Why don't you hook up with the old gang?

Jeffrey Moncrief has got

his own PR firm now.

Jeffrey Moncrief?

He went off the rails, I'm afraid.

Looks kosher to me.

You need all the publicity

you can get from this.

What about Pat Deville, your old flame?

Works for Manx TV now.

Profile, Richard.

Imagine, TV cop helps real cops

solve crime?

It's PR gold. You'd be a hero.

Do the interviews, get in the newspapers,

remind people who you are

and, bang, you're back on the map.

Just play Mindhorn one last time.

Profile.

[line ringing]

[man over phone] Isle of Man constabulary.

I'm in.

Sorry, who is this?

[foghorn blowing]

[Moncrief over phone] Hello. Moncrief,

Public Relations International Limited.

-Jeff.

-Richie.

Are you here?

Yeah, I'm here, two o'clock ferry,

like we said. Where are you?

I'm working my butt off here for you,

Richie.

Why don't I see you later

at the police station

once I finish up here at the office?

Sounds good. What about the newspapers?

The Manx Express loves it.

They're sending a photographer

to get some shots of you doing the call

in the police station.

Now, we've got to get to Pat at Manx TV

afore she knocks off.

You know what, Jeff? I think I might have

time to squeeze that in before the gig.

I bet you have, you devil.

-[chuckles]

-Hey, come on.

She's not married

-and you're the thinking woman's crumpet.

-Ha, ha.

Bye, Jeff.

Ahoy there!

This is the old stomping ground.

Back in the old wild oats-sowing days.

[Green] Yeah, there's very good soil here,

I think.

[man on TV] Welcome to the Isle of Man.

Isle of adventure.

Isle of romance.

I'll have some of that.

-Mr. Thorncroft, DS Baines.

-Enchant. Call me Richard.

PC Green and I

will be overseeing your stay here.

-Roger that.

-We really appreciate this.

-I know you're a busy man.

-I had to move things around.

But work is work. This is more important.

Let's save some lives.

-This us?

-Yeah, yeah.

Thanks.

-You in? Great.

-Yeah, yeah, great.

We believe Melly thought

Mindhorn was real.

[Richard] Yeah, well, three years at RADA

give a man some skills.

[Green] Right.

-Are you a fan of the show?

-My mum liked it.

Ah... A woman of taste. [chuckles]

-She single?

-She's dead.

This is you.

Uh, we'll give you a knock in 20 minutes.

-Lovely.

-Stay in the room.

-For your safety as much as anything else.

-Sure thing, big guy.

-You gonna be there the whole time?

-Right, yeah.

Yeah, good.

Really good news.

I'm gonna be doing some meditating,

so, um...

-You meditate?

-No.

-Something to think about.

-Thanks, I will.

Sorry about your mum.

Sh*t.

Meeting someone.

[Pat] I can't believe she let you do that.

-Not for the first time.

-[chuckles]

[Pat] Download that footage

and get that sent over straightaway.

-[woman] Hello, Manx Television.

-[Richard] It's an offer or nothing.

Just the way I play it, Jeremy.

Bloody hell. I'll call you back.

Patricia Deville.

Don't tell me.

-It's gone.

-You're joking, right?

We did live together

for over two and a half years, so, um...

-Yeah.

-Ha, ha. We certainly did.

What are you doing here?

Oh, you know, work, meetings.

Busy, busy, busy. What about yourself?

What are you doing here?

I'm a journalist now. I work here.

Get out of town. [laughing]

That's amazing. Actually, I might

just have a little something for you.

Is it weed killer?

-Hmm?

-You left our house

to get some weed killer 24 years ago.

I haven't seen you since.

-I see what you're doing.

-The weeds are really out of control now.

[chuckles] I did explain my departure

in the letters.

The letters?

Yeah. The letters I wrote to you

and that you failed to respond to.

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