Mindhorn Page #3

[both laughing]

-Let's not do this, shall we?

-Let's not even go there.

I'm only here for a couple of days,

I'm about to launch something fairly big.

-Now, I was thinking--

-Right.

You wanna use me for some publicity,

right? You need some profile, is that it?

Way off, Pat. Um,

I can't talk about the details right now,

but let's just say it's a fairly

interesting little acting job.

Right.

I thought maybe you'd given up acting.

You didn't catch me on the last season

of Midsomer Murders?

That's what made me think

you'd given up.

[chuckles]

Pow! [chuckles]

Ooh, you got me. Look at this.

Laughing and a-joking like old times.

Gotta run.

You'd be very foolish to walk away from

what I'm about to plonk down on the table.

[laughing]

I'm a serious journalist now, Richard.

Well, maybe catching

the psychotic killer Paul Melly

isn't a serious enough story for you.

There's a press gag on that case.

How do you know about it?

Why don't we grab a bite

and I'll give you the full expos.

You mean exclusive.

Whatever you say.

Let's talk later.

Let's do that.

Still got it.

[chuckles]

Sh*t.

[thud, then Richard grunts]

-[Richard] Sh*t.

-Where is he?

He said he was meditating.

Went pretty deep.

Uh... Threw in a bit of capoeira.

Right.

[exhales] Let's nail this mother.

Sorry.

[Baines]

The suspect's name is Paul Melly.

We think he might be using the island's

extensive mine system to evade capture.

-Mine system? Clever bugger.

-[Baines] Mm.

Do you recognize him, Richard?

[Richard] Oh, my God.

It's my agent.

Only joking. [chuckles]

Could I get an Americano with hot milk?

So, the boy's parents were killed

in a car crash when he was nine.

And, uh, when he was informed,

he was watching an episode of Mindhorn,

so, he has developed

a sort of morbid obsession with the show.

Could have been worse.

Could have been Windjammer.

Yeah. Well, he is calling in 15 minutes,

Richard,

and he's calling himself the Kestrel.

Now, he might make

some sort of kestrel noises.

Kestrel noises, good.

Look, I've got a couple of friends coming.

I wonder if I could put a list

on reception.

A list at reception?

Yeah, Jeffrey Moncrief plus one.

[Green] Richard,

this is Chief Inspector Derek Newsome.

[Richard] Ah, the head honcho.

El honcherino. The big cheese.

-You look familiar. Did we golf?

-No.

I wanted to talk to you

about the press conference.

We could co-host, but I'm camera trained,

and in these things, police can

come across as weird and sweaty-looking.

Mr. Thorncroft, you are aware

of the seriousness of the situation?

Bigtime, yes, indeed.

We'll hash out the details of that later.

-Is there a dressing room?

-This is a call.

-You know how phones work.

-Don't know if you know how acting works.

-Not really, and I'm not interested.

-We all have our process.

Sometimes an item of clothing or footwear

can define a character.

Uh, you have your costume, I have mine.

[Newsome] This isn't a costume.

This is officially sanctioned uniform

denoting rank and civic responsibility.

It's still a kind of costume.

You put it on to play "the chief,"

and then you take it off

when you go home to your wife,

or maybe you don't. [chuckles]

-All the world's a stage.

-No, it isn't.

A young woman has been murdered

and we're trying to catch her killer

before he does it again.

-Okay.

-Do you wanna get changed through here?

What's wrong with him?

Lost his truncheon?

-Jeff.

-[Moncrief] Richie.

The cops are being bloody stingy

with the door policy.

-Ah, bastards.

-We're gonna have to get

the photographer to take the photos

outside the building looking in.

I'm on the first floor.

I'll favor the windows on the north.

North windows. Right, got it.

Are you nearly here?

Uh, I'm running a tad late, Richie.

I had to tidy up the Glendale account.

Uh, will you speed things up there,

Barbara?

You know, it's great to be heading back

to the big time with you, Richie.

Wish me luck.

Hey, you are going to be great, Richie.

Tits and teeth, eh?

Hello, old friend.

-[Baines] Richard.

-Bainesy.

When Melly calls, you need

to stay in character at all times.

When I go in, I go deep.

Ah, the old two-way mirrors.

I love these things.

[Baines] Here's a list of prompts.

If you could stick to script, great.

And avoid any of these,

you know, trigger words.

Insane. Nutjob. Mental.

Blah, blah, blah, usual stuff.

-This the phone?

-That is the phone.

-Great.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

That's gonna be okay.

-If you could just keep it in its cradle.

-Just connecting with the props.

So, when he calls,

keep him on the line, keep him talking...

-Mm-hm.

-...arrange to meet,

and we'll take it from there.

Here you go, Richard.

I couldn't find any manuka honey.

-Oh. Two teabags, though?

-Yep, like you said.

Good.

A little tip I picked up from Sean Bean.

Double-bag Bean, we called him.

The Bean Bag.

[chuckles]

[phone ringing]

This is it.

[Richard] Shoes going on.

Shoes on.

[ringing continues]

Yeah, whenever you're ready, Richard.

[pops]

[ringing continues]

Yeah, whenever you're ready--

Oh, Jesus. Answer it.

F***ing clown.

Mindhorn makes people wait.

When they wait, they become angry.

When angry, they become vulnerable.

When they're vulnerable,

they make mistakes.

Yo, what's going down?

[dial tone]

Hello? Hello? He's hung up.

You might wanna try 1471.

[phone ringing]

Yo, what's going down, Kestrel?

[Melly on phone] Do you remember me?

Course I do. What do you want, sir?

I have something for you, Mindhorn.

That's nice. Is it my birthday?

Yes, yes, he's close,

maybe in a phone box.

Because the only present

I'm interested in is the truth.

And don't bother wrapping it,

because I don't care for pretty packaging.

How do I know this is really you?

How do I know it's really you, Kestrel,

not just some insane, mental nutjob?

Why would you say that?

I'm the Kestrel.

[Melly squawking]

More people are going to die.

We're all gonna die, Kestrel.

Get over it.

Some with a bang, some with a whimper.

Some with a weird wasting disease.

[Melly laughing]

Aw. It really is you.

Gold star, Kestrel. Now tell me something

I don't already bloody know.

You want to catch Katya's killer,

don't you?

Well, get this.

-What's that? Is there anyone else there?

-Negative, sir. Mindhorn works alone.

Listen, big guy, why don't we grab some

face-to-face time and sort this baby out?

-Where you calling from?

-No, it's not safe.

The piggies are listening.

You know the quarry?

-Course I know.

-Good.

-I'll meet you outside.

-See you there.

-Come alone.

-I always do.

-Which quarry?

-No idea. You get a trace?

-No.

-What kind of an outfit is this?

That is a rookie mistake.

Hey.

You were meant to keep him on the line.

That's not the way

the scene played there.

There's the quarry at Vazon Edge.

That's where we used to do

all our car chases.

That's where he'll be. Go get him, team.

Prick.

[Richard] Oh, dear.

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