Mindhorn Page #4

Someone's not a happy bunny.

I remember him now. It was his wife I used

to play golf with. If you catch my drift.

[laughing]

Hole in one.

Didn't think he knew.

Uh--

Why do you think

Melly said outside the quarry?

-[cell phone beeps]

-Hmm?

[Green] Do you think quarry meant

something different on Mindhorn?

A quarry's a quarry, Green.

I wouldn't overthink these things.

Just gonna go and drain the python.

Then we can have a natter

about the press conference.

[police sirens wailing]

[man] ETA to Vazon Edge quarry

four minutes.

All cars, all cars, the quarry is

the police station. Melly is here. Over.

[man] Roger that. Diverting.

Turn around. Do it now!

[woman] What are you doing?

[man] Move the f***ing van, you prick!

Richard.

Thorncroft's gone.

I repeat, I've lost eyes on Thorncroft.

Thorncroft has gone. Sh*t.

You got the action shots

through the window.

-Why don't we get something more dramatic?

-Good plan.

[Green] Thorncroft may be in danger.

The suspect was outside the station.

Might be a great backdrop.

I'll be here.

Obviously, I'll pull this in on the day.

Good to go.

Your face has... fallen down.

It's all baggy.

Yeah, do you mind? Uh, we all age.

Use some backlight, soften the focus.

I'm not gonna tell you your job. Jesus.

-Jeff?

-[Moncrief] Richie, where are you?

I'm with the photographer,

and he's a bit weird. Where are you?

I'm with the photographer.

Outside the station.

Hey, you must have made

quite an impression.

There's police running about

like headless chickens.

[squawking]

Are you celebrating already. Richie?

Clever Mindhorn.

It's time.

Time for the apocalypse of justice.

[shouting]

[thud, then Richard grunts]

[Richard groaning]

Mindhorn.

Please, no.

Look into my eyes.

-Can you see the truth?

-Yeah.

Did you receive the evidence

I sent to your house?

-Yes, definitely.

-You did?

Then you know I'm innocent!

-Are you on the case?

-Yes.

-Yeah?

-Yes, sir.

Yeah. Yeah!

[screaming]

It's pretend, see?

Melly, step away from the actor!

-[Baines] Stay down, Richard!

-See you at the wheel, Mindhorn.

Shoot him. Shoot him in the head!

[taser buzzing, Melly grunting]

[thud]

My next guest is a celebrated actor

and now an award-winning writer.

[audience applauds]

Richard Thorncroft,

welcome to the show.

Hello.

So, you finished your book,

which is not only deeply entertaining,

it is also the first actor's autobiography

to be nominated for a Booker Prize.

[audience cheering]

You've embarked on a new production

of Hamlet with Kenneth Branagh.

All after becoming a hero

by making this island safe

for vulnerable women like myself.

-You're welcome.

-Thank you.

[audience applauding]

After the shock of the accident,

all your hair grew back.

Yes, it's a medical phenomenon

known as follicle neogenesis.

And conversely, when I heard

about the accident, all my hair fell out.

Thanks, Ken, but we're talking

about Richard at the moment.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Sorry. Sorry, Rich.

No probs, Ken.

[Kenneth] Okay.

May I?

-[crowd] Ooh...

-Fill your boots.

Mm. That's it.

[audience whistling and cheering]

Don't be afraid.

With that audition, he changed the way

that people think about making art.

Politically,

I think he's become very important.

For me, there is no one else.

-Like Mandela,

-Richard.

Ben Kingsley,

and then there is Richard.

Richard...

[in deep voice] I am going to give you

the best Manx Day you've ever had.

[shouts]

Of course, the parade is at the heart

of Manx Day, always has been,

always will be, but this...

[EKG beeping]

-Richie, baby.

-Jeffrey Moncrief.

-Good to see you.

-[laughing]

Look at you.

The years have treated you well.

You, too.

Ah. Don't lie. I'm a f***ing wreck.

-But who cares, eh?

-That's right.

You did it. They got him. You're a hero.

I don't think you can smoke

in hospitals, Jeff.

Since when?

Since the '50s?

-Oh, right. How did it go with Pat?

-Ha, ha. Oh, very well, actually, yeah.

-I think we might just be in there.

-I bet you are.

-Str-- Strictly business.

-Oh!

Good, 'cause when your heroics

hit the front page,

you'll have minge coming out your arse.

Ah, lovely.

You remember these guys?

Nutmeg, the druid detective.

Moonshaft.

He's blind, he's black and he's back.

They're out on DVD?

Ten grand apiece they got.

And they were shite.

Mindhorn had a metal eye

that could see the truth.

What did Nutmeg have?

Some f***ing joss sticks?

This is interesting, Jeff.

Aye, and Pete thinks so, too.

He even wants to release it

through his production company.

Pete Easterman?

The Windjammer himself.

-Ah, mm... This is a bad idea.

-Why?

Pete and I have a history.

Things have been said.

No, that's all water under the bridge.

Pete insisted you come to his country club

this evening.

He wants to make it happen.

Mindhorn series one to three on DVD.

How do you like those apples?

This is actually a bloody good idea.

[chuckles] I told you.

Lovely. Seven o'clock, Jammers Club.

Lock up your p*ssy!

-The Wolf Pack is back on the prowl.

-[laughing]

-It's a hospital, Jeff.

-Aye?

Keep it down a little bit.

Flange ahoy, Richie.

Flange ahoy.

Yes indeed.

[Pat on TV]

More on that unfolding tragedy later.

Why does the Manx cat have no tail?

Some say they swam ashore

during a shipwreck in the 16th century.

Others say it's a genetic mutation...

Chekhov?

Chekhov?

[cell phone ringing]

-Hello?

-Hello, you.

-Hello, Richard.

-Hello.

So, you're still at the Heights.

Yes, that's a good guess.

So, I hear they caught Melly.

Yeah. I put him out of action.

That lunatic won't be troubling the women

no more.

[Pat] Quite a story.

[Richard] I like to think so.

Richard Thorncroft does something

for somebody else.

Pow. I walked into that.

Where are you at the moment?

Oh, I'm staying at the Grand.

Well, that's where they've put me up,

anyway, you know. Uh...

For my sins.

It's nice, you know, a little, uh, suite.

One of those little suites.

Oh!

Sorry. Just slipped on a breakfast tray.

[chuckles] Bloody room service.

Yeah, I mean, who'd have thought, hey,

you and I would have ended up drifting

like two lonely boats on the sea of life?

Just two boats who crossed once before

and are now crossing again

on the return charter,

looking for that safe harbor,

that magical other person,

and sometimes that other person

can be staring you right in the face

-and you never even realized it.

-Hey, Richie.

-Clive.

-Wow. [chuckling]

Clive.

-It's good to see you.

-So good to see you.

What are you doing in my garden, man?

What are you doing in the garden?

-Well, I live here.

-Yeah.

What? What, in the garden?

-No, silly. I live here with Pat.

-[chuckles]

We've been together

for many, many years now since you left.

-You know that, right?

-Yeah.

-Yeah. Yes, I do. That's old news. Joke.

-You're joking with me.

Oh, wow.

So, what are you doing in the garden?

Yeah.

Just, uh, coming to get some fan mail.

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