Mindhorn Page #5

I popped round to get fan mail.

-We get that.

-Yeah, so I thought I'd swing by--

So, what's with the flowers?

-I've got a funeral later to do, so...

-That's sad.

-I guess you're at that age now.

-Yeah, sad.

-Anyone I know?

-John Nettles.

-John Nettles? I know John really well.

-Yeah, not--

-No. Not that John Nettles. Another one.

-Okay. That's a relief.

-Yep.

-Come in. My God, come in.

-Pat's gonna love to see you.

-Yeah.

Everyone wants to see you.

-It's very nice of you.

-Come on in.

-Everyone?

-Yeah.

-Can I have the keys to the Range Rover?

-Hey, Jasmine, look who it is.

-Hi.

-It's Mindhorn.

[Richard] Hello.

I used to be this guy's stunt man.

Can you believe it?

Look at him now. Look at this.

What is this you have here?

-Well, that's called living the high life.

-Yeah? Too many biscuits?

-Champagne, you know. Other stuff...

-Too many garibaldis.

Steak and rich cheese.

At least he covers himself up.

Can you put some trousers on?

She's joking. She's very funny.

She has her mother's tongue, you know?

Richard Thorncroft?

[Clive] Yeah, look at him. There he is.

-Yeah, I've heard a lot about you.

-Oh. All of it good, I hope?

[Clive] Oh! Watch out.

[both laughing]

This guy, okay, this guy used to make me

tell everybody he did his own stunts.

-Well, I did a few of my own stunts.

-No, no, you naughty liar.

-That's not lying.

-You never did.

-You never did any, you naughty boy.

-I did some.

-No. He couldn't even drive a car.

-Come on.

[Richard] But now I have passed.

Well, I'd love to stay here and watch you

two verbally sparring, but I have to go.

Mum, are you ready?

Hey, Pat, look what I found

in the garden.

It's a Richard Thorncroft tree.

I cut him down

and brought him in the house.

[Richard & Clive laughing]

-Richard.

-[Richard] Hello.

What are you doing?

You said you were at the Grand.

Oh, I can answer that.

He's, uh, come for some fan mail.

You're getting your fan mail?

Oh. I'm really touched.

Yeah, there's some in the garage.

I'll go and fetch it for you.

Oh! Don't go getting back together.

I'm kidding. Look at him.

-He's so fat now. He's a mess.

-[chuckles]

[Richard] Oh, he's great.

Um...

Clive.

Clive.

Clive. Mm.

-You wanna talk about Clive?

-I don't.

No, no. I mean, obviously,

he's a great bloke, lovely bloke.

Uh... Great choice.

Look, I think, uh, I might scoot.

-And we should do that interview, though.

-Sure.

Why don't you, um, pop round to Manx TV

tomorrow?

Okay.

-See you.

-You're going the wrong way.

Yeah.

[Clive] Oh, hey, Richie.

I wanna show you something.

You're gonna like it.

-[Richard] I've gotta get to this funeral.

-No. Hey, look at this. Huh?

-Memories, huh?

-Yes, sir.

You know, when I found her, she was

on the scrap heap. Can you believe that?

She was pretty busted up.

One careless owner.

But then I brought her here, fixed her up,

gave her all the love, care,

and attention she needed

and now she goes like a dream.

Take her out for a ride every single day.

And then I fixed up the car.

I was talking about Pat.

Yeah.

-Not the car.

-Mm-hm. Got it.

-Double meaning type thing. I was--

-Very good.

-...being funny.

-Yes.

But you didn't laugh.

No, I'll laugh later.

That's okay.

[both chuckling]

-Well, thank you for the joke.

-No, no, come get your fan mail.

-It's just through here. Come on.

-Right.

-Yeah, step into my office.

-Okay.

Uh, wow. I didn't realize the show

was so popular. You get so many letters.

Yeah, over the years

it's acquired a certain cachet.

[groans]

Ah.

You want me to call a man with a van?

-Very-- Very witty.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-I did two jokes.

One over there and then one just now.

-I see you're very proud of yourself.

-A little bit.

You know what you are?

You are my stuntman.

That's all you'll ever be.

-Yeah, it's my job, though, so...

-What, to be my stand-in?

I'm a stand-in when people

can't do things physically.

That's when they call me. You know?

I'm at the top of my physical game, sir.

You're hiding it really well these days.

Yeah? Don't make me release the Ginga.

Ginga? You're going to play

giant wooden blocks with me?

Ginga, not Jenga. It's a capoeira term.

It could get messy, sir.

Enjoy reading the fan mail.

Don't read it all at once.

You forgot your flowers.

Oh, sweet.

Hey, baby, I got you some flowers.

-Thanks.

-Yeah, you know, just to say good luck

-with the golf and--

-"It's time to get some p*ssy"?

Well... it's been a while.

-I'm gonna play golf.

-I'm gonna do some gardening.

-It's nice.

-Don't.

[Moncrief] Do you fancy a toot?

I'm gonna say no to that, Jeff,

actually, in public especially

because, uh, I had to give that up

due to adverse chemical reactions.

-[shouts] Let's make some f***ing deals.

-Yes, let's do that.

Listen, I might take a lead

when we get in there.

Do the talking.

You could perhaps hang back.

-I'm not going in.

-You're not going in?

-No, I'm barred.

-You didn't mention that either.

-It's a long story.

-Okay, Jeff.

-I'll see you after.

-See you later.

-Still got some stuff--

-Right. Ahem.

[woman] Hello, sir.

[jazz music playing over speakers]

-[man 1] You like--?

-[man 2] Yes...

[chuckles] What a twat.

Richard Horncroft.

The beast-man.

Be careful, ladies.

This guy is a real live wire.

-Dangerous to know.

-[chuckles]

[mimics shooting bow and arrow]

-Twang!

-Oof!

Hmm!

-[Richard chuckles]

-Ah.

What you been doing?

Where you been hiding?

Inside a busy schedule.

-Really?

-Mm. Ha, ha.

-How am I looking?

-You're looking good.

Yeah, I know.

So, a little dick bird tells me you've got

an idea floating around in the old bonsai.

Mm, I certainly do. The heat I'm about to

generate off the back of the police thing

I think could be funneled through

into a DVD release.

-That's where you come in.

-That's a sweet angle.

I think so, too. So, what do you think?

Are we in business on this?

I say yeah, let's do it, let's sign.

All right.

[laughing]

[Peter] Thanks, Coco.

Pete, I like the way you do business.

We're heading back to the big time.

[Richard] There you are.

Before we, uh, seal this puppy

is there anything else

you wanna run by me?

No. I think we're good to go, yeah?

I mean, nothing

that you might have said, uh, publicly?

[chuckles]

You called me a stinking ham, on Wogan,

with the emotional range of a chair leg.

[chuckles]

Did I say that?

Gotta say, you've got brass balls

coming in here. I'll give you that.

Okay, look, I just wanted to come here

with an opportunity,

-something for you to get involved in.

-In your pathetic career?

You've gone too far.

I've got plenty of offers

all over this island.

-I don't need to go to you.

-I'm sure you're inundated with requests

for the greatest actor of his generation.

Behold...

When you're the head

of a busy multinational corporation,

you don't have time to exercise.

But with Tumpers,

the man girdle system for men,

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