Mindhorn Page #6

you don't have to waste time

on your waistline.

Tumpers man girdle tightens the waist,

removing unsightly side, back,

and tummy bulge.

[all laughing]

-Yeah? Something funny?

-[Peter] You're finished.

You f***ed off to Hollywood 25 years ago

'cause some L.A. windbag said

you were gonna be the next Burt Reynolds.

Ehh. You gambled and you lost.

You lost at life.

-You're living in a dream world.

-[Richard] In a dream world?

Sorry, that's funny,

because this is a dream world.

You're living in a plastic palace.

None of this is real. This is not real.

That's real, but this is not real.

It's full of sycophants and prostitutes.

[women gasp]

You're a joke, Richard.

Pat never charged me.

That one was on the house.

[shouting and grunting]

[woman screams]

[Richard] Sh*t! Sorry.

-Sorry. I was not aiming for you.

-Someone get Richard a skinny green.

-[man 1] She all right?

-Shove it up your ass.

[man 2] Somebody call the police.

[Richard] Get that cocaine.

And he's made one of the biggest mistakes

of his professional career.

[Moncrief] That's right.

That's it, Richie. Get it down you.

I love you.

[both laughing]

Do you remember this?

And action!

Mindhorn is back.

[rock music playing over speakers]

[whooping]

Up yours! This island is a shithole!

[groaning]

Ah.

That was a classic night, Jeff.

[groans]

Can I get you an Alka-Seltzer?

Oh, sh*t.

If you ever set foot on this island again,

you're going to jail.

-Is this about your wife?

-What?

We've never forgotten what you said

about the Isle of Man on Wogan.

You said that we had a limited gene pool.

Well, you do.

And you have nothing on me because...

You're joking, aren't you?

I could bang you up

just for the vandalism alone.

Yes.

What vandalism?

On this side we have a penis here,

as you can see, the scrotum.

In Holland we call this the acorn.

Got breasts here,

phallus, this time with the sputum.

I don't know what this is.

-That's an anus.

-No.

-I think it's a titty.

-[Baines] All right, Richard.

You just wait here and I will get the car.

-Okay.

-[Clive] Oh, hey, Rich.

Hey, settle an argument.

What is this here? Is it an anus?

I don't know what that is.

It's got nothing to do with me.

You signed it, you moron.

Well, I can speak English.

Now he's racist, so write this down.

Racist.

You know,

I nearly believed you for a minute.

Look, I came here to help the police

and just things... went a bit wrong.

You came back

to get some publicity from the murder.

-That's not why I came back.

-Stop lying to yourself, Richard.

And you're not lying to yourself?

Serious journalism?

Manx cats with no tails?

Pat, you used to be an artist.

I was a piece of totty in a sh*t TV show.

Mindhorn was not a sh*t TV show.

Hey, Richie.

You keep leaving things at the house.

Your jacket, Pat, your dignity.

[chuckles]

You think you've got it all,

don't you, Clive?

You've got it all sewn up.

What you've got is a domestic prison.

Better than a real prison.

You've got your little wife,

little daughter.

I've got freedom on my side.

-I go where the wind takes me.

-Jasmine isn't mine.

-What?

-Jasmine isn't mine.

-Pat never told you?

-Pat didn't tell me what?

-[chuckles]

-What about Jasmine?

[Baines] Richard!

[car horn honks]

[Clive] Yeah, bye, Richard.

Nice to see you.

-He's a very confused man.

-Yeah, tell me about it.

He didn't even know about Jasmine.

-Your daughter?

-No, she's not my daughter.

I've had the, uh, snip.

No, she's, uh...

Peter Easterman's daughter.

-You had the snip, Green?

-No.

Something to think about.

[EKG beeping]

[Richard] Well, we got our man.

Hopefully that makes up for

the graffiti, and, uh...

Well, who knows,

maybe under different circumstances--

[Baines] Yeah, thanks, bye.

[Sarah on recording] Richard, hi.

I think you're going through

another transitional phase.

From unemployed actor

to unemployable actor.

I'm gonna have to let you go.

I've left your head shots in reception.

When you collect them, don't come up.

-[man] Are you finished?

-Hmm?

-The newspaper?

-Oh, yeah.

[woman on pa] Would foot passengers

awaiting the 2:
15 departure to Liverpool

now kindly make their way

to the ferry terminal.

[Melly] Clue number one.

The killer is a secret baldie.

Clue number two.

A videotape of the actual killing.

[Pat on TV]

Breaking news at the Laxey Wheel.

Suspected murderer Paul Melly

has escaped from Greenborough Hospital

and taken himself hostage.

The public are warned

not to approach Melly,

as he is both armed and dangerous.

Get me Mindhorn!

[Moncrief] Mindhorn's coming back.

-Jeff.

-Hey, Richie.

-What happened to you last night?

-Play this.

-Oh, right.

-Melly sent it to me.

Well, he sent it to Mindhorn.

Hello, Mindhorn.

Kestrel here, reporting for duty.

This is going to be

an apocalypse of justice

for the bald man who really did

do the murder of Miss Lipinskii.

He-- He pushed her

and he strangled her.

[Katya screams on tape]

And another man helped him

with the body.

[Richard] Who is that?

They didn't catch me, though,

because I hid in the bushes.

He had these posh shoes,

posh shoes with cats on them.

All right, see you soon, Mindhorn.

Melly's innocent. He's innocent.

-Give me the tape.

-Why? What you gonna do with it?

I'm gonna take it to the chief,

shove it up his ass and press play.

No, no, no. I've got a better idea.

The man on this tape

might pay some real money for this.

What, blackmail?

-Aye.

-This is low even for you, Jeff.

-Surely things aren't that bad.

-Of course they f***ing are.

Look at me. I live in a caravan.

-This is your office, Jeff.

-I don't have a f***ing office.

-What about your secretary?

-That is my secretary.

Twenty-five years I've been here,

-since you, arsehole, walked out on me.

-There comes a time in an actor's life

when he has to move away

from the small screen.

I used to have money.

I used to get your cast-offs.

I was like a pig in shite!

And then you waltzed off to the big time.

-I live in a flat in Walthamstow.

-Oh, he lives in a flat!

Well, what about me?

I want what is due to me.

I want a Bentley convertible.

I want a trophy wife!

[sobbing]

I want a f***ing infinity pool.

Jeff, it's-- It's okay.

It's not as bad as you think, okay?

Things aren't that bad.

There's a silver lining to every cloud.

Oh, no, you don't, you sneaky bastard.

Not this time. You owe me.

We need to take a step back here, Jeff.

A mentally fragile young man

is calling for my help.

-Yesterday you said he was a retard.

-Maybe I've seen a few things since then.

-Maybe my eyes have been opened.

-What are you talking about?

I'm a father, Jeff.

I've sired a daughter, with Pat.

What, Jasmine?

You idiot.

She could have been anyone's

the way Pat put it about after you left.

[groans]

-You take that back.

-Aye, I'm sorry.

You take a long, hard look

at yourself, Jeff.

[Moncrief] I'm sorry.

I'm not thinking straight.

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