Mindhorn Page #7

-Give me the tape.

-Okay.

You're doing the right thing.

Truth time.

[narrator] Bruce Mindhorn became

the best plainclothes detective

the Isle of Man had ever seen.

Out the way! Coming-- Coming through!

Oh, God, no.

[panting] Jasmine, I'm sorry.

What for?

[gasps] Everything.

You know about me and your mother

and who I am.

Yes, yes, sadly I do.

I want you to know I'm proud of you.

-Jas-- Can I call you Jas?

-No.

I want us to get to know each other

really well, yeah?

This is weird.

I wanna give you my number.

I want us to set up regular phone calls.

-That's never gonna happen.

-Okay, we'll go at your pace.

But watch the news, Jasmine,

because you're gonna see your daddy

blow the lid off this island!

[Moncrief] So, to sum up,

do we have a deal, then?

I don't take very kindly to blackmail.

All right, keep your wig on.

Okay, I'll see you there.

-So, the simpleton was filming us?

-Yeah, it looks like it.

I'm starting to think framing Melly

was a really bad idea.

Get me Mindhorn!

Mindhorn!

Do you have a statement to make

about the situation?

The Isle of Man is still

one of the safest and most tranquil

tourist destinations in the world.

-[Melly] Get me Mindhorn!

-[grunts]

-Mindhorn's here!

-What?

I've got this, chief. Stand your men down.

Is this the camera?

This man is innocent!

This tape will be the proof of my word.

Might wanna swing a lens, go wide.

Richard, what the hell

do you think you're doing?

Trust me.

Get one of your boffins to play this.

It shows that Melly's innocent.

How do I look?

Like you might need some help.

Too late. I work alone.

I'm coming, Melly!

Detective Mindhorn's on the case!

[Melly] Mindhorn!

[grunting]

Sh*t. Jesus.

[panting]

Oh, God.

Hi, Mindhorn.

Mindhorn... is this still

Operation Apocalypse of Justice?

I know you're innocent.

I've seen the tape.

This man is innocent! Play the tape!

We'll play the tape at the station.

No, no, I'm not going down the station.

-Play the tape now. Play it now.

-Okay-- Okay. Whoa.

-He's serious, Patricia, and so am I.

-Yeah.

Okay, people, get ready to witness

some truth bombs.

You know how to do it, don't you?

-What?

-I'm gonna sh*t the truth out, bang.

-This is the wrong tape.

-My name is Bruce Mindhorn.

He swapped the... Okay.

Jeffrey Moncrief, who I will kill,

has got the real tape.

It's in-- It's in the caravan.

We have to go to the caravan.

We'll do that when you both come down.

-Richard, is Melly armed?

-No, no, no. Negative.

No, I have got a gun.

-This is not a gun. It's not real.

-[Melly] Yeah, it is real.

-[Richard] It's not real.

-[Melly] It is real.

-It's not. It's a toy.

-It's not a toy.

-[gunshot, then all shouting]

-See? I told you.

-That's a green light. Shoot.

-Go, man.

-[Melly] Go.

-[Richard] Okay.

-This way.

-This is not the way to go!

Call Equity!

-[Peter] What's the hoo-hah?

-[woman] Thorncroft's gone insane.

This is terrible.

Wait. Did he sign that DVD thing?

-Yeah.

-In which case it's fantastic.

-Stop shooting! I haven't done anything!

-[Melly squawking]

Stop making that stupid bird noise!

[man] Stop there!

-Stop!

-They're heading into the mine.

Stop right there!

[Melly squawks]

They've gone again, chief. For now.

DS Baines.

Clever boy.

You're coming with me.

All I want to know

is who else has seen this tape?

Oh, no, no, no. I can't reveal my sources.

It was Richard Thorncroft.

This whole thing was his idea.

And possibly Pat Deville.

Pat Deville?

[Moncrief] He picked it up from her house.

How about 30 grand?

[chuckles] Jeffrey.

The last person

who tried to blackmail me...

is on this tape.

Only I haven't had a torrid affair

with you, Jeff.

Let's call it 50 quid

and everybody's happy, eh?

Great. This isn't the Bronx.

This is the Isle of Man!

[bleating]

[sirens wailing]

[squawking]

You okay, Mindhorn?

[panting] Oh, God. I'm gonna be sick.

Come on, this way.

To safety.

-Where are we going?

-The nest!

It's lucky you're special forces.

[grunts, then yelps]

How much further?

-[Melly] It's just here.

-[panting, then yelps]

-[Richard] What's this?

-We've got to jump.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, let's just jump off a cliff!

-Yeah. You first.

-[laughing]

[Richard screaming]

[squawking]

[water splashing]

It now seems certain

the actor Richard Thorncroft,

who disappeared two days ago, is dead.

Thorncroft is the chief suspect

in the murder

of Mindhorn PR guru Jeffrey Moncrief.

It is now accepted

that Thorncroft could be suffering

a severe mental breakdown

after a long career lull

since the hit show ended.

Even a short walk

can take its toll on the lower legs.

That's why I use Thrombi-Sox.

Jeffrey Moncrief, who I will kill...

[gunshot]

You can never say that it's a good thing

when someone is dead,

but maybe with Richard

this has been for the best.

I keep expecting him

to walk through the door and, uh, say:

"Hey, Pete, old buddy,

how are the DVD sales going?"

Because, of course, you know,

Mindhorn is finally released today on DVD.

Yeah.

Um, could you stop filming now?

I think I might be about to cry.

[man] Thorncroft's excursion into

the recording studio

yielded this album from 1990.

His signature tune,

"Can't Handcuff the Wind,"

reached number one

in several East European countries.

["Can't Handcuff the Wind"

playing over speakers]

You can't handcuff the wind

And if you try, you're gonna fail

Hi.

You're gonna love this.

I've made you look

exactly how you used to.

[woman on TV] You're crazy!

It's perfect.

I can't move.

-I glued you into your clothes.

-What?

There's three rolls of masking tape

around your neck.

You glued me into my clothes?

Your hair came off in the sea.

But it's okay,

'cause I stuck it back on...

-I can't breathe.

-...with superglue.

So, it will never come off again.

[grunting]

Good, innit?

[groaning]

And your eye patch.

Where are we?

We are in an underground lair. The nest.

And this is where we complete

Operation Apocalypse of Justice.

[chuckles]

Right. First, we need a penknife.

And this recorder belt. Ha!

[Melly on recording]

Recorder belt. Ha!

[laughs] Fake blood

for fooling the baddies, and...

pretend gun.

'Cause I'm your partner

and we're working on a case.

-And it's a good case, isn't it, Mindhorn?

-Yeah, it's a really good case.

Yeah, just one small problem is

I'm not Mindhorn.

There is no Mindhorn. Mindhorn isn't real.

He-- He-- He is real.

-Uh... Truth powder.

-That is merchandise, okay?

Do you know what merchandise is?

Cheap rubbish we sell to idiots, yeah?

And by the way, that nearly blinded

four teenagers in Whitby in 1989.

-Had to be taken off the market.

-Did it?

Mindhorn is a fictional character

in a TV show I did

a quarter of a century ago.

What's a fictional character?

I'm an actor. Well, I used to be.

Now I just advertise orthopedic socks.

And I don't even do that now,

'cause John Nettles got the gig!

I don't-- I don't understand.

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