Mindhorn Page #8

You don't understand?

Let me clear things up.

Your parents carked it,

you lost your marbles,

you got fixated with me

in some weird, creepy way

which I don't wanna get into.

You think I'm here to rescue you.

That's not gonna happen.

I'm a self-obsessed arsehole.

Does that clear things up?

Paul Melly, wanted in connection

with the murder of Katya Lipinskii,

is also presumed dead.

Melly, 32, is believed

to have a mental age of nine.

-Who's gonna clear my name?

-Nobody.

There's no evidence.

We had a tape. The tape's gone. It's over.

Both of them?

Both of them?

What do you mean, "both of them"?

Yeah, I made a copy of the tape.

You taught me that.

Always make a copy.

Well, Mindhorn did.

Only you're not-- You're not Mindhorn.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I am Mindhorn.

-What? But you said--

-No, you passed the test.

Kestrel, well done.

-Did I?

-You made promotion, partner.

From now on,

you shall be known as the Falcon.

No, I prefer Kestrel.

Kestrel's fine, too. Where's the tape?

I made a copy of the tape and put it

in your car at Mindhorn Heights.

Yes.

Now I'm gonna pack the bag

for the finale when we kill the baddies.

Okay, sounds like a plan, partner.

I'm gonna head off.

-I'll give you a signal when I need you.

-What's the signal?

-Uh... You'll know when you hear it.

-I need to hear it now.

[whistles]

No.

[squawks]

-Better.

-Good. Okay.

Take this. Make sure you wear it.

-What is that?

-It's the recorder belt.

Recorder belt, okay.

Strapping that on now, Kestrel.

And this.

Roger that. Weird plastic radio. Got it.

-Uh... Does this work?

-No.

-It does work, actually, FYI.

-Oh, right.

Who are you calling?

The only person we can trust.

-Baines.

-Richard. Wow.

-Don't ask.

-Thank God you're alive. Where's Melly?

In a cave. He made a copy of the tape

and he's hidden it at Pat's.

Whereabouts at Pat's?

In the garage. In the glove compartment

of the Mindhorn car.

[Baines] Mm-hm.

-What have you got the gun for?

-You know too much, Richard.

I don't know anything.

I'm actually quite confused.

You know that I killed Moncrief, right?

I did not know that.

Well, you do now.

Uh, not a problem. I can blank it out.

I have that capacity. I--

I've blanked out huge chapters of my life.

This is just one more thing.

Sorry, Richard. Final curtain.

[squawking]

[Melly squawks]

Truth powder.

[grunts, then shouts]

-Quick, the gun.

-What is that?

Come on.

[Baines coughing]

-[Baines] Jesus Christ!

-[Richard] Bike!

She's left the keys in the bike.

-Yes!

-Why did you do that?

We could have used the bike

to get away, you stupid berk.

[Baines coughing]

[cell phone buzzing]

-Hello?

-[Baines over phone] Hi, Pat.

Yeah, it's DS Baines here.

I just thought I should tell you

that Richard is alive.

He's alive?

Alive, yeah, yeah. Great-- Great news.

Mixed bag, though.

He is delusional.

Oh, God, he's seriously ill, isn't he?

He is. He's on his way to you now.

He thinks he's in an old episode

of Mindhorn.

And I just need you

to keep him there and I will--

I will come to you, okay?

So, just wait there.

[gasping]

Where's the car?

No! Where is it?

Where's the bloody car?!

It should be here!

It should be--!

[whimpering, then laughing]

Richard?

Are you okay?

No. I'm having a really bad day.

-Where's my car?

-Why don't you just--?

Just come-- Come and sit down.

Can't sit down. I'm glued in.

Just calm down and--

Baines is trying to kill me.

She's corrupt.

There's a bald man.

He's-- He's got cats on his shoes.

I've seen them. Not real cats. False cats.

Tiny false cats on his shoes.

Richard, none of this is real.

It's all real!

It's come real.

Where's my car? Where's it gone?

The car?

Uh, Clive is bringing the car.

He's bringing the car.

It'll be here in a few minutes.

-[panting]

-Now, just calm down and talk to me.

They're coming. I can't wait here.

Let's talk about-- About us.

Us? There is no us.

I blew it. I walked out on the only thing

that ever meant anything to me. You.

Since I left you,

my life has been really quite bad.

Richard, it's all right. It's all right.

Leaving you was the biggest mistake

of my life.

[Melly squawking]

What is that?

Kestrel.

Sorry.

I'm so sorry.

[Clive laughing] Yes.

So, he's not dead.

He just fell asleep on the sunbed.

Put down the gardening equipment, Clive.

Get out of my house before I strim

that stupid f***ing wig off.

Where's my car?!

Don't tell him, Clive.

Pete took it for the parade.

What's going on?

Stay away from him, Jasmine.

His brain's come loose.

Whatever happens next,

I want you to remember two things.

One, I'm innocent.

And two, Daddy loves you.

[Richard grunting]

Oh, sh*t. Oh, no. Dear.

These are nothing to do with me.

Oh, Richard. Dirty, dirty Richard.

You're pathetic.

These aren't mine.

What are all these?

They're from my, uh, pen pal

in, uh, France.

[Pat] These are all from Richard.

I was trying to protect you, Pat.

The man is poison.

I'm going to work.

[Richard] There she blows.

[Melly] And a load of fake Mindhorns.

I really do think this could be

the best Manx Day we've ever had.

Sorry I'm late.

Better late than never, Pat.

Um...

I'll be making my speech

slightly later than scheduled.

I've provided copies for you all.

They're on the table in the entrance hall.

Thanks, everyone.

Go enjoy the madness.

[chuckles] All right?

Okay, thanks.

Pat, could I have a word?

-[man 1] I'll see you back at the office.

-[man 2] At the office. Yeah.

All right.

-Nice to meet you actually.

-Yeah. I must give you my card.

Pat, Pat, Pat.

You know, don't you?

I'm in a bit of a pickle, aren't I?

I mean, you're a journalist.

You're not gonna keep it to yourself,

are you? Something this big?

How can I let you leave this room?

I absolutely cannot have people

finding out that I'm bald.

I think bald men are sexy.

Yeah, I think you're right.

[cell phone buzzing] Oh.

I'll have to take this.

[Baines] The tape's at the parade.

I'm going after them.

She knows.

Welcome, one and all,

to the Manx Day parade.

We're gonna have some great fun.

Thank you.

I wonder who's gonna win

today's Float of the Year competition.

Could it be the really big spider?

Or the two massive papier-mch heads?

Or perhaps the crazy caterpillar?

Runner-up last year.

Fingers crossed

for no more trapped ankles.

And there's Trevor

in his intergalactic mobility scooter.

The Windjammer float there.

Always good fun.

It's the most successful TV program

ever made on the Isle of Man.

Oh, and, look, it's the villain.

But Windjammer disarms him

and saves the day.

Super stuff.

-New this year, the Mindhorn contingent.

-Oh, look!

Remember Mindhorn, folks?

Mindhorn, of course,

originally played by, um...

Oh, and who's this?

Another Mindhorn and a crazy person.

A sort of chicken man.

I don't remember the episode

"Mindhorn and the Chicken Man."

But, uh, what's Mindhorn doing now?

No doubt finding some crucial piece

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