Miss Congeniality Page #2

Grease some wheels so they like us...

...when we need manpower and tech.

While l' m at it, let's do that.

Good idea.

He loves to make a splash.

His target will be public...

...Iike one of these outdoor prelims

or a TV broadcast.

T elecasters at the convention center.

We're gonna need surveillance

on the interior perimeter.

We'll need more.

There's a million places...

...only these bikini-stuffers can go:

backstage areas, hotel rooms....

We need to get somebody in there.

Yeah! Now l' m thinking...

... undercover.

Good idea, boss.

I got just the girl.

That's nothing. Check this out.

Compliments of my daughter:

the "Dress Up Sally" web site.

What did I tell you?. Hot, right?.

Yeah, baby.

You got a little problem.

She's perfect!

Look to the left.

Down...down....

-There you go.

-" On maternity leave"?.

That's not gonna work.

Not unless it's

"The Miss Lamaze Pageant. "

Can you do a search?.

Female field agents under 35.

Jensen, Jensen!

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

I got it, I got it!

Oh, no!

That's right, that's right!

You think that's good?.

Check this out.

I got the winner right here.

Scorekeepers ready?.

This is the best part.

He's right behind me, isn't he?.

Not really my color, is it?.

Sir, we were just...

...Iooking for someone

to go undercover at the pageant.

And l' m the best we have.

It doesn't inspire much confidence.

Get back to work.

-Hart, shouldn't you be at a desk?.

-Yes, sir.

You don't say anything?.

Made me look like an idiot.

Do I have eyes in the back of my head?.

-He was standing right behind me.

-What were we gonna say?.

-What?.

-This one.

Are you kidding?. It's Hart.

Cut it off. Let's go back to work.

Very funny.

Hold on. That's not bad.

Hold on, nothing. Hit the save button

because you won't see that again.

-What do you say?.

-No freaking way.

Why not?.

I won't parade around in a swimsuit

like some bimbo...

... named Gracie Lou Freebush,

and all she wants is world peace.

It wouldn't be like that.

You'd be on the undercover team.

Right. In a thong.

In a tasteful one-piece!

You do a few butt-shaping exercises...

...you could pull this off.

You know what?. Pull this off.

Is it because McDonald hates me?

Or is it, like, a woman thing?.

Don't kid yourself.

Nobody thinks of you that way.

He's punishing me, isn't he?.

I had to beg him to let you do this.

That's right. Like it or not,

you screwed up, pal.

Sit down, sit down.

I've never been in a beauty pageant.

I don't even own a dress.

I don't even own a brush.

Which part of that

is supposed to shock me?.

Let's suspend reality for a second...

...and pretend I said yes.

I got to do everything?. Like...

...the whole big hair

and the makeup and--

Damn right.

The spinning, the twirling, the

smiling, the cute little tap number.

Hundred bucks on Matthews.

I don't know. She's got rage.

I'll take that bet.

Yeah, baby.

So you' re saying...

... I have to wear the bathing suit?.

Yeah, you have

to wear the bathing suit.

Okay.

You go, girl.

Where am I gonna put my gun?.

No place I want to know about.

What could possibly motivate anybody

to enter a beauty pageant?.

Scholarship money,

a chance to see the world...

... broaden your horizons--

So join the Marines. It's like

feminism never even happened.

Any woman that does this is catering

to misogynistic Neanderthal mentality.

I dated Young Miss Scarsdale.

Can you really be this superficial?.

Hard to believe, right?.

Here we are.

Therefore, we'd like to use

one of our team undercover.

Am I hearing this correctly?.

IKathy, these people want

to put one of their agents...

...in the pageant.

They want her to win?

No, ma'am.

We will need your help

with the judging...

...so our agent is in the top five...

...to have access to

all the areas at all times.

-Absolutely not.

-Miss Morningside...

...we understand how important

this beauty pageant--

Excuse me.

This is not a beauty pageant.

This is a scholarship program.

And it has been ever since my reign.

I fully intend on maintaining

that credo.

Absolutely, Miss Morningside.

We're here to protect the girls.

Women.

Scholarship ladies.

There's nothing more important to me

than the safety of my girls.

I'd rather cancel the pageant

than have them blown up.

Especially without their knowledge.

We went to the network to cancel,

but they refused.

We can't force them.

I'm confused.

What state is she going to be from?.

All the winners have been chosen.

We recently discovered some

information about Miss New Jersey.

And her performance in a little

film called Arma Get It On.

Was that her?.

Oh, yeah!

She was gonna drop out pretty soon,

if you know what I mean.

Do you have an agent in mind?.

Sorry.

Let me get you

Victor Melling's number.

Frank.

He's our pageant consultant.

Frank.

Maybe he can do something to help.

Frank!

This is my assistant, Frank T obin.

Hi, everyone.

Would you get these people

Victor's number, please?.

And get me a spring water.

And tuck in your shirt.

That, that was...a water for you...

...and....

Victor Melling's number.

Mr. Melling.

How are you?

If you are Grace Hart,

I quit here and now.

I'm having a bad hair day.

Bad hair decade, really.

I'm Eric Matthews. We spoke.

Your hair is perfect.

However, I can't accept this job.

There's no way I can make

this woman ready in two days.

Please, Mr. Melling,

give it a chance. Sit down.

Have lunch. T otally on the Bureau.

I suppose that would be

the civilized thing to do.

I'll take a rain check.

I got to take care of some FBl stuff.

That thing I told you

about that I gotta do.

But I'll see you later.

We'll hang out. You like caps?.

I'll get you an official FBl cap.

See you later.

What a pity.

-Are you hungry?.

-Yeah.

-Yes.

-Yeah.

It is always "yes, "

never "yeah. " Sit down.

Miss United States is always

well-spoken and polite.

Do you understand?

Watch the hands, garcon.

-Excuse me.

-It's all right.

I have a feeling we're going to need

a drop cloth later.

Could I have another

cabernet sauvignon?.

Another keg for you?.

-l' m good, thanks.

-That's okay, Philip.

So, how long have you been doing

this pageant-training thing?.

I'm sorry?

What was the question?. I was

distracted by a half-masticated cow...

... rolling around

in your wide-open trap.

Excuse me? What is your problem?

-Problem?.

-Yeah.

I mean, yes.

Have I offended you in some way?.

You've been completely antagonistic

to me from the second I walked in.

I was once the most

sought-after, highly paid...

...consultant in pageant history.

I had no idea.

Every season, girls would plead

with me to train them.

T en out of 1 1 years...

... my girls were crowned.

The year we lost,

the winner was a deaf-mute.

You can't beat that.

Then...

...in ' 96...

... my girl froze like a puddle halfway

through her aria from La Boheme.

Afterwards, she told

a reporter from pageant Magazine...

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote