Miss Congeniality Page #3

...that I was a perfectionist...

...who had harangued her

to within an inch of her sanity.

Of course,

after that article came out...

... nobody wanted me.

Okay. With all due respect here...

...why did Miss Morningside

suggest you?.

Because I am the best.

Or perhaps it's because everyone else

worth having had a contestant.

They had their Southern belles,

their Midwestern farmers' daughters.

Spunky Western cowgirls.

And I have...

... Dirty Harriet.

Will you desist?.

Yeah.

Yes.

Oh, my God.

I haven't seen a walk like that

since Jurassic park.

It's been working really well for me

for the past 30 years, all right?.

Well, glide, now. Glide.

Don't look down, don't look down.

Don't look down, look up. Your chin

should be parallel to the floor.

Now glide. Glide.

It's not the bloody Ice Capades.

Gliding.

No, no. Don't pick your feet up.

Don't pick your feet up.

Why are you picking your feet up?.

Because I'm preparing to run away.

No, wait. Wait.

Watch me.

Glide. Glide.

See?. Glide.

It's all in the buttocks.

Don't I look pretty?

It takes a very secure man

to walk like that.

Roll your hips.

Head up, head up. IKeep gliding--

I'm gliding here!

What are you, blind?.

A**hole.

Look how she walks. She's floating.

Lightly ascending

from cloud to cloud...

...towards heaven.

He takes one look at that fake rack...

... he's gonna send her right back.

Look, she's gonna cry again.

" If I only had a brain! "

I am somewhat less than amused.

How's she doing?.

With some intensive work...

...she'll be ready for the world's

finest trailer park.

Thank you!

Both painful...

...and grotesque.

Isn't it?

Oh, my God!

Mr. Vic, we got everything

you asked for. Where do we start?.

T eeth, hair, manicure, pedicure.

Which one first?.

What are you gonna do to my teeth?.

Hopefully, remove the beer stains

and steak residue.

Can't I get some Novocain?.

It's only a cleaning.

Sweeney T odd, what are you doing?.

Your hair should make a statement.

As long as it's not,

"Thanks for the Country Music Award. "

You'll be lucky

if I can get it untangled.

No mercy.

Can I borrow that drill?.

Attention. Attention.

All hair removal units,

wax, electrolysis, laser...

... to commence at 2300 hours.

Bikini wax.

How you doing?.

Ever seen one this big?.

Sandwich, I mean.

That's a lot of meat.

Thank you!

Nobody said this job was easy.

This earpiece lets you hear anybody

on our frequencies.

I don't need it. With all this foil,

I'm getting HBO.

This is a pin camera.

There's an actual lens in there.

It provides a digital video

feed to our hookups.

Here's your new l. D.s.

Pageant identity.

Gracie Lou Freebush?.

I remembered you liked that.

Well, my lQ just dropped 1 0 points.

More...fluffy.

Eyebrows. There should be two.

Another two coats. And a sealant.

Unbelievable.

Where the hell is she?. What could

possibly be taking this long?.

Hart, is that you?.

I'm in a dress, I have gel in my hair,

I haven't slept...

... I' m starved and l' m armed.

Don't mess with me.

I' m fine. I' m cool. I' m good.

Yeah, that's her.

Mr. Vic, nice work!

Thank you.

My God, l' m good.

Okay, Gracie Lou, listen up.

" Operation Thong " has commenced.

Why don't you stun-gun yourself?.

I knew she'd like that one.

Victor?.

T ry not to speak.

Victor!

Miss Morningside, if it's possible...

...you look more radiant than ever.

Then I guess it's possible.

Hello.

Hi.

Miss Hart?!

I mean, Miss Freebush.

Victor, I see you haven't

completely lost your touch.

You look absolutely perfect.

And you're just in time

for the orientation breakfast.

You'll take the bags to the room?.

It's been a while

since you've been with us...

... but you remember

how everything goes.

One little mistake

and l' m a bloody bellhop.

Ohio. Oh-hi-yo!

Washington. Nice apples.

Original. You come up with that

all by yourself?.

-Miss Greenbush!

-I got it. I got it.

New Jersey? Welcome.

-Who's she?.

-Have you seen her before?.

Oh, hey, New Jersey?.

This one's empty.

Thanks.

-l' m Cheryl from Rhode lsland.

-Hi, l' m--

Gracie Lou Freebush. I memorized

the orientation pamphlet.

I know all 49 ladies

by name and picture.

Fifty, including myself.

Your picture wasn't there, so I knew

it was you from your lack of picture.

How about a little song for the drive?.

I think you know the one I mean.

From sea to shining sea

Like Lady Liberty

she reigns over all she sees

she 's beauty and she 's grace

she 's Miss United states

Entering Barbie-town.

We' re up and running.

I love my job!

-Not a bad view.

-Not at all.

There's our table!

I got here three days early

so I could--

Look at all the hoochie mama!

Not the pastry!

Ladies, I would like you to meet

Gracie Lou Freebush from New Jersey.

IKaren lKrantz, New York.

What's up, Jersey?.

-Mary Jo Wright, T exas.

-Hi there.

Belinda Brown, Tennessee.

-I like that!

-Oh, yeah!

Leslie Davis, California.

Hey, girl.

And Alana lKrewson, Hawaii.

Aloha.

Aloha to you too!

I want you all to know, I believe what

it says on the sign at the Alamodome.

We are all winners.

Hey, Hart! You think she's hungry?.

Most important, we're getting our

issues out there for people to hear.

And it's an honor

to have made it this far.

Especially when you're

from a small state--

That's so true!

-Us Rhode lslanders--

-I wasn't finished.

Did it sound like I was?

I' m sorry.

Why are you apologizing to her?.

She's been drinking

too much Coppertone.

-Are you talking to me?.

-Yeah, I am.

Question:

In Hawaii, don't you use "Aloha"

for hello and goodbye?.

So?.

If you' re on the phone with

someone who won't stop talking...

...and you say "aloha, "

don't they start again?.

At least she thinks l' m funny.

Hart?. Hart, do you copy?.

-What's up?.

-I don't know. It's not working.

-lt worked five minutes ago.

-Who put it together?.

Check one, check one--

Thank you so much. Thank you.

For the past 21 years...

...it has been my honor to serve

as director of this pageant.

And I know that this year will be

our most exciting event ever!

Couple of geniuses I'm working with.

After the rehearsal and a photo shoot,

you can settle into your rooms.

T omorrow we will

begin the preliminaries...

... hosted by our

master of ceremonies...

...an American institution,

Stan Fields.

Thank you! Oh, thank you, lKathy!

Let's go! Get it back online!

-We're working on it.

-We' re trying.

Thank you, lKathy.

Isn't she ravishing?.!

How does she do it?

I look in the mirror and say,

"Who's that old man in my pajamas?. "

And even though I'll be

retiring this year....

Well, don't cry for me...Alabama.

That's so sad. He's retiring.

He's not retiring.

I spoke to him this morning,

and he blurted it out.

They're firing him, going

for someone newer and younger.

I hope it's Ricky Martin.

Jesus Christ!

I'm sorry. I had a bite of my bagel

and I forgot to pray.

Dear Jesus, please forgive me...

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