Miss Congeniality Page #4

...for not praying before I had

a bite of my bagel and schmeer.

Thank you very much.

Amen.

I hope l' m not disturbing you.

Oh, no, I was just, you know...

...grooming.

I made some of my famous

hot chocolate.

My roommate's asleep,

or she's starting to mold.

But do you want to come in?

I asked some of the other girls...

... but when they heard "chocolate"

they slammed their doors.

They didn't give me a chance

to say " nonfat. "

Well, here's to...

...world peace.

World peace.

Hot.

I' m sorry.

I have to tell you...

... I thought it was really great

how you settled that argument today.

"Aloha, aloha. "

That's why you' re gonna win.

You' re so clever.

You should tell jokes for your talent.

What is your talent?.

It's-- It's kind of like....

It's, you know,

it's like a surprise.

But don't worry,

it's nothing embarrassing.

Not anything like baton twirling

or anything.

So, what's your talent?.

Oh, Cheryl, I'm sorry.

Twirling can be a real art.

I saw this cheerleader doing it

at a football game.

She lit her batons on fire

and did this sexy dance.

I wish I could do something like that.

Why can't you?.

My parents don't like

anything ostentatious.

And they really don't like fire.

Cheryl, I think you have as good

a chance as anyone to win.

You believe in yourself

to have gotten this far, right?.

-Really?.

-Yeah.

You' re so nice and so smart

and so sensitive.

You' re definitely gonna win.

That's it.

Excuse me. I am in the middle

of a REM cycle over here.

-Sorry.

-l' m sorry.

Not happening.

-What?.

-You took your earpiece out.

-Vic needs you.

-Now?.

-I haven't slept in two days!

-I'll give you a cookie.

It better be a big one.

You don't walk, you float.

Gently descending,

you don't look down.

Go back up and do it again.

Never, ever look down, okay?.

Thighs touching....

-T ouching, not clenching.

-l' m touching.

There's a gap between knees and calves,

your calves and your ankles.

Right now there's a huge gap between

my brain and my spinal cord.

Here. T ake these.

What, no armored car?.

That would be in my other dress.

What are you planning to do

for your talent?. Sing?. Dance?.

Chew with your mouth closed?.

I'll do whatever you want, Yoda.

Oh, Lord.

Agent Matthews!

-This woman has no talent!

-Don't shout it in front of her.

I wasn't told to provide a talent.

I can't do so in the next five hours!

Wait a minute.

What are you talking about?.

She'll be on-stage

with nothing to do...

... but convert oxygen

into carbon dioxide!

You said you couldn't make her pretty

in two days, but she's gorgeous.

Compared to the car wreck

she was before.

My duties are stated in a contract,

and I have fulfilled them.

-You talent her up by tomorrow or--

-Are you threatening me?.

-Listen to me, you old fruitcake!

-How dare you, you cupcake!

There's something I know how to do.

I haven't done it since high school--

-You' re not having sex on this stage.

-I didn't know it was an option.

This thing,

I just have to call room service.

Miss Hart.

Please.

Thank you. And the other one.

Thank you.

All right, all right, all right.

Happy, you doughnut Nazi?.

Did I tell you Stan Fields

was getting fired?.

I'm on it. You just concentrate

on being Gracie Lou, all right.

And by the way,

you're doing a great job.

I thought the evening gown looked....

-I totally bought it.

-I know, you think l' m gorgeous.

I don't think you' re gorgeous.

You think l' m gorgeous.

You want to kiss me.

You want to hug me--

McDonald's more feminine.

I'd rather kiss him.

--love me.

You want to hug me.

You want to smooch me.

Enjoy the rest of your night.

Gracie, you look so tired.

Oh, she had a busy night.

I saw that gentleman stop by the room.

Gentleman?

-No men in the room.

-It's different on the mainland.

Hold on, ladies. Let's hear

her side of the story.

You sleeping with a judge?.

Oh, that guy?.

No, no, I was dating him

for a little while because...

...he said he had

an incurable disease.

I didn't realize it was stupidity.

Oh, I know what that's like.

He is such a pathetic loser.

I'm sorry he's obsessed with me,

but at some point it's like, " Hello! "

"Move on! Get over yourself!"

His ego is this big.

But his equipment is like this big!

Good cover!

We worked that out together.

Use it for a needle.

Back to work.

Get ready for the Alamo.

Thank you. Thank you.

And welcome to

the Miss United States Preliminary...

...here at the beautiful

and historical Alamo!

Prepare for what promises to be...

...a day of astounding musical,

theatrical and dancing talent.

And after l' m finished,

you can see the ladies.

Oh, yes!

And now, put it together...

...for Miss Mary Jo Wright from T exas!

What's her talent, bartending?.

I made it very clear you weren't

responsible for making her credible.

I wish I could explain...

... but there are no words.

Eagle-Eye.

You might want to check out

cowboy at 1 :
00.

My 1 :
00 or your 1 :00?.

The one under the white Stetson.

There's Stetsons everywhere.

He's moving, he's moving.

-T oward the stage.

-Hold on, we' re checking it out.

Guys, he has a gun. He has a gun.

Who 's got the 20 on the shooter?

I'm taking him out.

Wait for a visual!

Gun! Gun! Everybody down!

Better up to them, don't you think?

In a bizarre incident at the

Miss United states preliminaries...

... the contestant from New Jersey

leapt off -stage...

...and tackled a man in the crowd

who was trying to light a cigarette.

she 's here with me right now.

What were you thinking when you

jumped off the stage?

All the contestants are actively

involved in ending tobacco dependence.

I think the gentleman will think twice

before he lights up again.

I'm sure we all will.

-Look, he had a gun.

-Of course.

This is T exas, everyone has a gun.

My florist has a gun.

I don't have a gun.

My ancestors were Quakers.

Stan, please!

We assume any man

with a weapon is a suspect.

We got the DNA results.

The envelope from the Citizen

was licked by a woman.

There's never been DNA before.

He slipped up, or I should say "she. "

This is preposterous.

You people are completely clueless.

If I ran my pageant like this, we'd be

holding it in someone's basement!

Every operation is bound

to have its screwups.

As far as I can see,

she's still with us.

Oh, God!

Could I have a moment alone

with Miss Hart, please?.

Sure.

Just for a tiny minute.

We'll just be a moment.

Shop talk.

Hair, gel, mousse.

Look, I know I made a mistake.

I' m sorry.

I've been fighting all my life

against your type.

The ones who think we're

a bunch of worthless airheads.

You know who I mean.

Feminists...

...intellectuals...

... ugly women.

I refuse to give in to their cynicism.

That's why I have dedicated

my entire life to this scholarship.

No one's going to ruin that.

Not this year.

You get in my way, I will kill you.

Do you understand?

Yeah.

Yes.

Frank!

The interview is the single most

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