Miss Congeniality Page #5

important part of the pageant.

It accounts for 30%%%

of your total score.

What's the other 70%%%, cleavage?.

Is this your idea of doing final preps

on the convention center?.

Look. Liberace's got her

in a nice evening gown.

McDonald called. He saw Hart's anti-

smoking commercial. He's on his way.

Good, perfect. I'd hate for him

to fire me over the phone.

I can't believe this!

It'll be ugly.

No sh*t.

I gotta do something.

I'm gonna go do laps.

We'll go over tomorrow's assignments.

You got it.

Hands folded...

...ankles crossed.

Neck up!

And remember, smile.

Smilers wear a crown,

losers wear a frown.

I would so love to hurt you right now.

As long as you smile.

Now....

Why is New Jersey called...

...the Garden State?.

You can't fit " Oil and petrochemical

refinery state" on a license plate?.

I don't appreciate your immaturity...

...when l' m working as hard as I am.

What's the big deal?.

It's fixed, l' m in the T op Five.

Congratulations to me.

Is that enough?. Have you no pride

in yourself, in your presentation?.

I'm an FBl agent, right?. I'm not

a performing monkey in heels.

You' re also a person,

and an incomplete one at that!

In place of friends and relationships,

you have sarcasm and a gun.

Oh, I have sarcasm?.

When every word that comes out of your

mouth is dripping with disdain?.

That is because I am a miserable,

grumpy elitist, and that works for me.

I don't have relationships

because I don't want them.

And I don't have friends

because I work 24-7.

And you have no idea why I am

the way that I am.

As we're practicing interviews,

why are you the way you are?.

None of your damn business.

The judges probably have

never heard that before.

We have more to do here.

No, we are finished.

Finished?

-Give me a 20 on Matthews.

-Be advised he's at the pool.

" How do you feel about gun control?. "

Favorable.

Thought I'd let you know

I was quitting. T ake care.

Hold on. Wait a minute.

-What do you mean?.

-I mean, you got the wrong girl.

All right?.

I do not need this now.

That's what I'm saying!

I'm totally screwing up in there!

I don't feel

like a real agent anymore.

I mean, Vic says

this thing that's so....

I don't care what he said, you know?.

I don't care.

Because I am the job...

...and l' m okay with that.

You' re the job?.

Yeah, l' m the job.

We' re all the job.

Then what's wrong with me?.

I date. I know everyone thinks

I haven't had a date in 1 0 years.

Is that what you think?

I think you date.

Damn right I do.

But both times it was screwed up.

I don't even care.

All I want to do...

...is my job.

For the last three days

I feel like l' m completely lost.

I've been waiting five years

to run my own op.

-Would I blow it on the wrong girl?.

-You picked me...

... because I looked good

and wasn't on maternity leave.

No, that's why they let me pick you.

IKnow why?.

-Lost a bet.

-You' re smart...

...and funny and you' re easy

to talk to when you' re unarmed.

Give yourself a break

and cut Vic some slack.

Because if they see

what I see, then...

...they'll love you.

So, what do you say?.

I won't let you down.

Good, that's what I want to hear.

In all honesty, I might let you down.

But I'll try my best not to.

Do not mess with the dress.

Oh, Vic is gonna kill you.

You in big trouble.

Why?. You fell.

-You look good wet.

-Shut up!

Whoa, guys, Hart's

in the dressing room. Come on.

-You see the legs on that girl?.

-Who's your daddy?.

Those better be candy dishes!

T urn around.

Open.

This guy's like an inch from death!

But what a way to go!

-Break it up. Nothing to see.

-What do you mean?.

She's a federal agent.

Guess it's time to apply

at my local Hooters.

Hemorrhoid ointment?. You think

the judges will look that closely?.

It's for the baggies under your eyes.

Really?

Good, hair spray.

Finally something I recognize.

What are you doing?.

It stops the suit from riding up.

Riding up where?.

Just up!

That's enough!

Why do you make things hard?.

I can see this is an incredibly

embarrassing situation for you.

Why does Georgia get to wear

a one-piece and I have to wear this?.!

If you can do this, then you can

convince anyone that you belong here.

Places, everybody! Let's go!

The Swimsuit Preliminary accounts

for 1 5%%% of the total score...

...and tests the grace,

athleticism and poise...

...of each lovely woman.

The last time I was naked in public,

I came out of a uterus.

I don't have breasts, my thighs--

I should wear a muumuu.

I have avoided this experience

all my life.

And here it is.

You must achieve a Zen-like state.

Listen to your breathing,

feel your heart...

...think of the Dalai Lama.

T exas!

Rhode lsland!

New Jersey!

Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama....

New York!

California!

I would have to say,

world peace.

Definitely, world peace.

That's easy. World peace.

World peace.

What is the one most important thing

our society needs?.

That would be harsher punishment

for parole violators, Stan.

And, world peace.

Thank you, Gracie Lou.

And thank you, Stan.

Cheryl Frasier from Rhode lsland.

That was charming. Are you drunk?.

Glad you enjoyed it. Now excuse me,

I have to go unscrew my smile.

We got a lead.

-The blood test?

-Photos.

Cheryl Frasier, with members

of a radical animal rights group...

-...involved in bombings.

-It's always the quiet ones.

She fits the profile:

loner, introverted.

That Cheryl?

Describe your perfect date.

That's a tough one.

I'd have to say April 25th...

... because it's not too hot,

not too cold.

All you need is a light jacket.

Now, there is a hardened criminal.

Maybe she's an accomplice.

Maybe she's his inside connection.

That's what you gotta find out.

How?

Buddy up to her, you know, girl talk.

-Girl talk?.

-Yeah, girl talk.

Sorry, I'm totally drawing a blank.

Leg waxing, fake orgasms,

the inability of men to commit.

Why don't you talk to her?.

Imagine she's me and you want to know,

but I don't want to talk about it.

What would you do?.

You want me to beat her?.

Why don't you talk to her?.

Okay, forget about it. I will go.

Put that back in your ear.

I can't talk girl talk

with a guy in my head.

I can't even do it with me in my head.

Girl talk.

Oh, my God!

Hey, Rhode lsland, how you doing?.

How can you ask that?.

You heard my interview.

I was like a female Rain Man.

Oh, no, it definitely

wasn't Rain Man.

Definitely not Rain Man.

Come and have a midnight snack

with me and some...

...girl talk.

Are you crazy?.

We can't have pizza and beer!

Do you know how many calories

you' re talking about?.

It's light beer and

she's gonna throw it up anyway.

Come on.

Come with. No?.

No takers? No?

All right, I'll just...

...sit here. You guys

go back on your bicycles...

...and I'll sit here with my

very large, cheesy pizza.

Oh, look at all that cheese.

Cheryl, don't.

At least scrape off the toppings.

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