Miss Congeniality Page #6

First step, pizza.

Second step, flaming batons....

I guess we'll be needing more pizza.

I want another drink!

We' re gonna get a drink.

Another round, ladies?.

-I can't do another one!

-Yes, you can!

This is so weird!

This is my third one

and I don't feel a thing!

Really?

Like when I did my interview question.

Don't worry, we all sucked.

You know, I had such a good answer

to that question too.

My idea of a perfect date

would be a man...

...who takes me to a romantic dinner.

Then we walk along the beach barefoot,

discussing books...

...and music and movies!

No wonder you' re still a virgin.

Time to paint. Come on.

No, my contacts.

-We'll stay here.

-I want more pizza.

We' re gonna have more pizza and beer.

Have fun!

-This is so much fun.

-Yeah, it's fun.

It's so fun it should be illegal.

Speaking of illegal,

have you ever, like...

...committed a crime?.

Yes!

Yes, I did.

Go on.

One time I stole red underwear

from the department store.

My mother wouldn't buy them!

She said they were Satan's panties.

-So is that it?.

-Yeah.

Oh, there was

this one thing in college...

...with my Lit professor.

One day I came to his office. He said

he wanted to discuss a paper I wrote.

He wanted to discuss a paper, right?.

Hey, can I get another

one of these tubie things?.

Yeah, can we get another tubie?.

Anyway, he attacked me.

Cheryl, did you report him?.

No, I never told anyone before this.

I know that happens all the time.

No, it doesn't! Cheryl, it doesn't.

There are so many maneuvers

that I could show you.

Really?

Yeah! Come on, get up.

I want you to firmly plant your feet.

I'm gonna move the chair.

Now if someone comes at you--

She's completely trashed.

We should get her back

before Miss Morningside finds out.

IKathy's got a boot up her ass

about something.

I don't think she ever

got over those rumors.

Come again?.

Her pageant years

she was a runner-up.

But then the winner mysteriously

got food poisoning.

Bizarro!

No, Stan told me she got a letter

a few weeks back from the network...

...and they' re firing her too!

She threw a chair out the window!

We gotta go. Come on.

I got 20 people here

waiting for confirmation.

Don't tell me I don't understand.

I hate when I don't see

a wet paint sign.

Stop it. Listen.

-Can't hear you, took out my earpiece.

-I have a lead and it's not Cheryl.

Forget it. They bagged the Citizen.

What?. Where?.

It's confirmed.

He was holing up in a shack in Nevada.

Place had enough C4

to make a new Grand Canyon.

Let's pack up and get out of here.

Sir, I need to talk to you.

One second of your time.

Hear me out a second.

I feel the situation bears further

scrutiny and our continued presence.

Do you have paint in your ears?.

We caught the guy!

I respect what you' re saying.

I'd say the same to me...

... but what if we were wrong?.

What if the Citizen didn't send it?.

What if it was a copycat?.

The letter didn't follow

the normal pattern.

The linguistic scheme

was uncharacteristic...

...and the DNA said it was a woman!

Maybe he got his girlfriend

to lick the envelope.

I think we have reason

to monitor Morningside.

Why don't you jump on her

dressed like a Bavarian fruitcake?.

You're the reason I had

to drag myself down here...

...and I don't want to hear anymore!

You' re absolutely right, sir.

Not another damn word.

Thank you.

But she's getting fired this year,

which she didn't tell us.

You're already in enough

trouble with the review board.

Yeah, but when she was in the pageant,

the only reason she won was...

... because the winner got

food poisoning. How bizarro is that?.

" Bizarro"?.

She threatened me. According to Mary

Jo, she has a history of violence.

Who is Mary Jo?.

Are you getting your information

from a pajama party?.

Would you shut up?.

You're shutting up enough

for both of us.

Is there any reason

to suspect Morningside?.

No, sir.

There.

I request permission to stay

with a small contingent.

Denied.

Then I request permission

to stay alone.

You know what, I don't care

what you do. You want to stay, stay!

But as a private citizen.

T urn in your badge and your gun.

Everybody, I suggest we start packing.

What?.

Don't look at me like I betrayed you.

Betrayal implies action.

You stood there.

You got nothing to go on.

I know everyone thinks I'm a screwup.

But I feel like I'm in the right

place at the right time.

I have to protect those girls.

It is my job.

Part of it is following orders.

The other part is using your brain.

Throw out the rule book--

I like the book. I like knowing

what I can and cannot do.

You're not the only one who lives

for the job.

I want to keep mine

for the next 20 or 30 years.

Jesus, Hart.

Give it a rest.

Sure, give it a rest.

What are you doing?.

Don't do it.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I can't believe it!

Hi, Mom.

Don't do that!

That slow, creepy thing in the shadows.

Your father used to do that.

Mom.

This isn't gonna work.

Why, of course it's going to work.

The feds caught the Citizen.

We have no one to pin it on!

Okay, that was bad luck.

But what about all these other letters

from terrorist groups threatening us?.

"Women's Liberation Front. "

" lslamic Jihad. " They' re not so nuts

about the Swimsuit Competition.

Any one of these

could have planted a bomb.

When did we get those?.

I just finished writing them.

Just like the Citizen letter.

You're a genius.

No, Frank. I'm just pissed off.

Nobody fires me and gets away with it.

They want a newer, hotter show...

...they' re gonna get it.

Mom, you' re a little scary.

And you' re a little bit sloppy.

T uck your shirt.

I don't want to tell you again.

Let's go home, honey.

Mom?

Oops.

-Need a hand, boss?.

-I got it.

Okay, Vic. Beautify me.

Hair, makeup, shellac, whatever

it is you do. That shiny stuff--

Where are you going?.

Your Agent McDonald insists that l

depart, or I won't be compensated.

No. After the T op 1 0!

I am completely on my own.

The FBl is gone, it's not fixed.

I need you!

Not anymore. The cocoon is open.

I've taken a woman

without a smidgen of estrogen...

...and made her a lady.

-Come on.

-I've never been prouder of myself.

Or...

...of any girl I have ever coached.

You are truly unique.

If I ever had a daughter,

I imagine that she would be...

...something like you.

Which is why I never reproduced.

I have a really strong feeling

something will happen to these girls.

You need to stay for me. Please.

I can't.

But I can leave you this.

I was saving it for tonight.

It's your size, I believe.

Good luck to you, Gracie Lou.

It's been a privilege.

No insults today?

You're a Don Ho.

Has anyone seen Gracie? I can't

believe she missed dress rehearsal.

Maybe she couldn't take the pressure.

She ate four slices last night.

We all saw her glasses performance.

She is not making the T op 1 0!

I overslept my beauty sleep.

-Do you need help?.

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