Miss Congeniality Page #7

-No, l' m fine.

I wonder which one of these...

...is lipstick.

Ladies!

Good luck, ladies! IKeep it moving.

Let's go!

Looking good, ladies.

Will you go back to the mothership?.

As long as you go with me, T ex-Ass.

Let's go, Pennsylvania,

New Jersey, T exas....

I can't open the goddamn bottle.

Have a good show. You guys excited?.

Where are you going?.

I forgot my breasts.

Hold on, I'll be back.

Going live.

In five, four, three....

It's the 75th Annual

Miss United states pageant...

...Iive from san Antonio, Texas!

Good. That's the one I use at home.

And your host for the evening,

Stan Fields!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

And welcome to a night of beauty,

talent and poise.

I'm not just talking

about my cohost...

...IKathy Morningside!

-Hello, lKathy.

-Stan, you charmer.

But you forgot to mention

"incredible intelligence. "

That was incredibly stupid of me.

How can I make it up?

By helping me to announce

the Top 1 0...

...chosen based on their performance

during the preliminaries this week.

Here's the envelope.

Thank you, Scott.

Ladies, hold your breath.

Hawaii!

And we're following.

Come in for that reaction.

-Go to two.

-Going to two.

California!

New York!

Alaska!

T exas!

New Jersey!

Oh, sh*t!

That was graceful.

That must have hurt.

But she's up and at it.

And last but not least, Rhode lsland.

And there they are!

This year's T op 1 0 finalists.

The Top 1 0 have been chosen.

We'll be right back with tonight's

Swimsuit Competition.

I checked out lKathy Morningside.

-Anything?.

-Not even a traffic ticket.

Model citizen. Beauty contestant,

pageant director, loving mom.

-She's married?.

-Widow. One son.

A sniveling, obsequious

weasel of a human being.

-You know her son?.

-So do you. It's Frank.

-Her assistant?.

-A**hole Frank?.

One and the same.

She never mentioned anything.

Anything come up on the CCH?.

Nothing on Frank T obin.

There wouldn't be.

His name is Morningside.

He changed it to cover

his many indiscretions.

Wait. How do you know that?.

I've been around this pageant

for many years.

I could shock you with the intimate

details I'm privy to.

Good job! Good job

I got you something.

I couldn't--

You ate pizza, you stole panties,

you're wild.

We worked on this, remember?.

You' re gonna be great.

-Can I see your ticket?.

-Federal officer.

I' m with him.

Gentlemen, you can't go in--

Victor!

He's with me.

Wait. I' m not "with him" with him.

Come on, muffin.

Thank you! She certainly lit my fire.

Now you can wear Satan's panties!

-Hey, Hart.

-What are you doing here?.

I think you might have been right.

Frank is lKathy Morningside's son.

Disgusting, perverted Frank?.

He cleared under another name.

I ran a new CCH.

DUl, assault, even a weapons charge.

Are we doing full deployment?.

McDonald didn't want to hear about it.

It's just us.

Good show, Mr. T obin.

You're up next, New Jersey.

I gotta get my glasses.

Hey! You' re drinking my talent!

You got to make it into the T op Five!

-Can you whistle?.

-No!

-Make hand puppets?

-No!

I had a girl who rearranged furniture.

You said all I have

is sarcasm and a gun.

That and a right hook.

And now, the musical stylings

of Gracie Lou Freebush.

Good evening.

The program says I'm supposed to play

the water glasses for you...

... but the girls got dehydrated.

No water glasses?.

You want me to go to a commercial?.

No, stay on her. Go with it.

I believe no woman should be without

a basic knowledge of self-defense.

So in order to show you this,

I'm gonna need a little help.

I would like to bring out

my assistant, Eric Bob.

More changes?.

Follow her. Stay on her.

--how to inflict damage

with the least amount of force.

In some cases, your attacker might

come at you in a frontal assault.

Use the heel of your hand and thrust.

This will cause the nose to break

and your assailant's eyes to tear...

...giving you a chance to get away.

All right. Let's say your assailant

comes at you from behind.

Attack me!

Little Eric looks a little scared.

Maybe he needs a little applause.

She's kicking his ass!

You were the best queen ever.

Thank you, that is so sweet.

Ladies, give Lori

some room to breathe.

Go on, now.

You need some powder.

You don't have to hold

the crown all night.

My God, that is disgraceful.

Frank!

Take this to the prop master.

See if you can't get it to shine.

If all else fails, go for the four

sensitive areas of the body.

But just remember to "sing. "

S-l-N-G.

Solar plexus, lnstep...

... Nose, Groin!

Sing.

Cue Stan.

Welcome to the Garden State!

When we return, we'll find out

who those lucky Final Five are.

Let's go find Frank.

T ake left. I'll take this side.

No. Evening gown, now.

Ladies! In one moment,

five of you...

... will be one step

closer to the crown.

And one of those five...

...is...

... California!

Leslie Williams is a music major.

She believes in the healing power

of music. Loves opera, reggae...

...and, like any true California girl,

the Beach Boys.

Rhode lsland!

Cheryl Frasier is a science major.

Her field is...

...nuclear fission with a minor

in elementary particles.

Nebraska!

For lKelly Beth lKelly,

all the world is a stage.

A theater major...

...she helps run a drama program

for underprivileged children.

New Jersey!

Gracie Lou Freebush hopes

to become a pediatrician.

Gracie, it's you. Go!

Her hobbies include figure skating,

water ballet...

...and taking long,

luxurious bubble baths.

You go, Gracie Lou.

And our fifth finalist:

T exas!

Mary Jo Wright is a psychology major.

In her spare time,

she works in a homeless shelter...

...and eats Mexican food.

Thank you, ladies.

You were magnificent.

I want all the lesbians to know...

...if I can make it to the T op 1 0,

so can you!

Big out to Brooklyn! Yo!

Get her off of there!

Go to Stan!

Tina, I love you, baby!

I love you, lKaren!

And we'll be right back with our

final five lesbians. Interviews.

Bumper. Commercial.

Can we say "lesbians"?.

You got a problem with that?.

In a way, America is like a big ship.

When we work together

and respect each other...

...that's when the ship

gets safely home.

T errific answer.

Damn it.

New Jersey.

As you may know,

there are many who consider...

...the Miss United States pageant

to be outdated and antifeminist.

What would you say to them?.

Oh, my God.

I would have to say,

I used to be one of them.

And then I came here...

...and I realized that...

...these women are smart,

terrific people...

...who are just trying to make

a difference in the world.

We've become really good friends.

I know we all secretly hope the other

one will trip and fall on her face--

Wait a minute!

I've already done that!

For me, this experience has been

one of the most rewarding...

...and liberating experiences

of my life.

My God.

I did it.

And if anyone...

...anyone...

...tries to hurt one

of my new friends...

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