Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous Page #2

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Hey! First of all,

thank you for calling me skinny.

Second of all, what is your problem?

And third of all,

you better apologize to me or...

- Make me!

- You know, I don't make trash. Come on!

- Come on.

- Knock it off, Fuller. Take a shower.

That's right, take a shower. Walk away.

- You lucky you still can walk!

- You want more?

- Take a shower. Go on.

- Come here.

That's right, go on. Keep walking.

Hart.

You were saying?

Oh, a positive role model for women, sir.

I want you to talk to someone

before we schedule any appearances.

Someone who can help

with personal-presentation issues.

Clothing, makeup, so forth.

He comes very highly recommended.

I just went through a makeover

for the pageant.

I'm still getting hairspray off my butt.

What? It prevents the bathing suit

from riding up. Thank you.

Sir, I just don't wanna become

FBI Barbie again.

What's your option?

You can't go in the field without putting

yourself and agents in jeopardy.

- That part of your life is over.

- Sir, it can't be.

That's all that I know how to do.

That's all that I have.

You gotta make a choice.

Sit at a desk pushing papers...

...or be out there

boosting the Bureau's image?

Look, when you make up your mind,

let me know.

Rachel, did those transfer papers

for Matthews come through?

On your desk, sir.

Sir, is Agent Matthews

going someplace?

Miami.

He's gonna be assistant SAC.

Going to the top, that boy.

Sir.

Sorry.

You know, I'll meet whoever

you want me to meet.

Good.

Oh, I hope she's not a fatty.

Joel Myers, Gracie Hart.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

I can work with this.

You will be my Mona Lisa,

my Sistine Chapel.

- I will find the sculpture in the stone.

- Slow down, da Vinci.

How do you feel about a pushup bra?

How do you feel about

a genital-shocking taser gun?

I'm open to it.

Okay.

Are you open to new experiences,

like becoming the face of the FBI?

- I did the pageant, I can do this.

- That was three days. This is your life.

That was teaching a dog

a few new tricks.

This is teaching a dog

to become a butterfly.

Not that you're a dog.

They generally have smoother hair.

Look, just... You know, just tell me

what you want me to do, and I'll do it.

- Rule number one, no hitting.

- What?

The face of the FBI uses her words,

not her fists or a chair.

Rule number two,

chew with your mouth closed.

- You don't know how I eat.

- You have ketchup stains all over you.

How did they get there

if they didn't fall from an open orifice?

I don't know.

Maybe I walked under a ketchup tree.

Rule number three, no snorting.

Why don't you just take the list.

And I truly believe you are capable

of great class and style.

And, may I say, I also recently

went through a breakup.

I didn't go through a breakup.

Puffy eyes, no sleep, irritable.

And some of the other agents

told me about it.

But believe me, you do as I say,

and you will make him regret it...

...because people care about people

who care about themselves.

- So it's all in here?

- No, it's all in here.

America wants a star.

So you have to become a star.

You have to dress and treat

your friends like you're a star.

You have to treat yourself like a star.

Before you...

I know, I know. I'm a big star!

Our next guest was the runner-up

at last year's Miss United States pageant.

We found out

she was actually an FBI agent...

...on a mission to thwart an attack

on the pageant.

You can read about it

in her new book...

...From Misdemeanors

to Miss Congeniality.

Here's Agent Gracie Hart.

- Hi, Gracie.

- Regis. Good to see you.

- Joy.

- How are you?

- What a great suit.

- Thank you, and you look fabulous.

- Thank you.

- This is not how I picture an FBI agent.

You don't look anything

like J. Edgar Hoover.

Oh, really? Because this is his dress.

- Listen, I watched the pageant...

- I bet you did, Regis.

Every year, actually. It's embarrassing.

My favorite part was the women's

self-defense thing, you know?

Could you give us an encore?

Actually, I don't do that anymore.

I have someone who does it for me.

So, if I could, I'd like to bring out

a little friend of mine, Agent Sam Fuller...

...who will be helping us

with the demonstration.

Here she is.

So, Regis, if we could have you

come over to the mat.

Fuller.

Stand right here

with Fuller in front of you.

- All right, Regis, grab her.

- She looks angry.

- Do I have to grab her?

- Go ahead. She has no place else to be.

All right, ladies, if you'll please remember,

the word is "SING." Solar plexus...

...instep...

...nose...

...and groin.

- Not the groin! No!

Very nice. Thank you, Agent Fuller.

Come on, Regis, let's get you up.

Thanks, Gracie. And as a special treat

for knocking my husband around...

...I have a little surprise for you.

I think you know these people.

Here's Cheryl Frazier, Miss United States,

and Stan Fields, host of the pageant.

It's you!

- I love your lipstick.

- You do? Stila made it for me.

- They named it after me. It's called Gracie.

- That makes sense.

- You did something to your hair.

- Just a couple of highlights.

- A couple?

- Okay, okay...

...Miss I'll-Never-Grow-My-Bangs-Out-

Because-It'll-Make-My-Face-Too-Long.

I feel we should all be sitting

under dryers.

That's what happens

when best friends get together.

Wish we could have invited my best friend,

Roger Coleman...

...but he got hit

by a Goodwill truck last week.

Really?

Don't we have a commercial coming up?

Please.

- It's so good to see you.

- It's so good to see you. L...

Gracie, I'm sorry to interrupt.

We have another taping.

Oh, Cheryl, Joel Myers, my stylist.

Miss United States, such a joy to meet you.

This is my hair assistant, Janine.

- A pleasure.

- And on makeup and bass guitar, Pam.

- Your Majesty.

- And you're having a bad crown day.

Excuse me, private conversation

in progress.

- Ticktock.

- Okay.

I'm sorry I haven't called in a while.

Don't apologize. We'll have plenty of time

to talk once I'm de-queened.

- Oh, that sounds painful.

- Oh, I really miss you.

- And Eric.

- Oh, well...

...actually Eric and I

aren't Eric and I anymore.

- What? Since when?

- Oh, just 10 months.

- Ten months?

- Yeah, I didn't wanna bother you.

You're busy, I'm busy. I didn't wanna call

and say, "We broke up. " It's no big deal.

Miss Hart? My daughter

would love your John Hancock.

- What's her name?

- Lauren.

Lauren.

So, what happened?

Oh, I just had to end it because

he was getting, you know, really clingy.

Yeah, but I'm fine. I'm good. I'm great.

We need to get to Live at 5

for a wrestling demonstration...

...then there's a cocktail party

at your publisher's apartment.

I could go for a little tanning time.

You're gonna go for a little unemployment

time in about two seconds.

Could you be a sweetheart

and get me a Starbucks?

I am dying for an iced

Venti Caramel Macchiato.

Get yourself a little something too.

Let me tell you when I'm gonna get you

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