Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous Page #3

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an iced Venti Caramel Macchiato.

When they elect a black woman president of

the Daughters of the American Revolution.

Okay. And if that happens,

I'd also like one of those little muffins.

Where would you like it?

Fuller, I'm sensing a little subtle hostility,

and I think we should talk about it.

Fuller, you shouldn't keep things

bottled up.

- Fuller! What is your problem?

- The problem is, I don't like you.

Why don't you quit. I let you have this job

as a favor to McDonald...

...because no one outside of the canine unit

would work with you...

...because of your little attitude problem.

- You know what? I'm out of here.

Wait. Are you still going to Starbucks?

Go!

No one beats my little bro!

Let's go, let's go, pay up.

Come on, pay up.

Come on, who's next?

Let's get the bets on the table because...

- Yeah?

- Is he there?

- Yeah, he's here.

- Well, has he got my money?

Hold on, I'll ask.

Excuse me, Highlander, you owe

Mr. Grant 500 bucks. You got it?

Get lost.

He says he doesn't have it, Mr. Grant.

Okay! Okay!

He seems to have discovered

some cash, Mr. Grant.

Good. All right,

I got another one for you boys.

Who's the mark?

This is gonna be one for your scrapbook.

- Thank you very much. Your name, please?

- Octavia.

I was wondering if you could tell me

what skin-care regimen you use.

Well, I like to catch as many felons

as possible.

It really gets the heart pumping, and the

increased circulation helps my complexion.

- There you go. Thank you very much.

- Thank you.

- Hey.

- Hey. Your name, please?

- Priscilla.

- Priscilla.

I have to do a book report.

And I wanna do it on your book

because I wanna be an agent too.

Oh, well, good for you.

Thank you, Priscilla.

- Hi. Your name is?

- Angela.

The other kids are doing their report

on Beyonc or Britney...

...but if you come to my school and talk,

they'd see why being an agent is so cool...

...and stop getting on me.

- I would really love to...

...but as you can see,

the agency's got me pretty busy.

There you go. Thank you.

What you could do is pull your hair up once

in a while. It would open up your face...

...because remember, people care about

people who care about themselves.

- Okay.

- Hi. Your name is?

- Jason.

- Jason.

If you change your mind, it's P.S. 31,

Priscilla, Miss Gordan's class.

Got it. Thank you very much.

Your name, please?

- James.

- Wait!

You're not writing it down!

Bureau training. I can retain

enormous amounts of information.

P.S. 31, Priscilla,

Miss Gordan's class. See?

And don't forget the hair tip.

Try some bows.

- There you go. Thank you.

- Nice to meet you.

And sorry to hear what happened

to Miss United States.

What happened?

Cheryl Frazier was last seen outside

this Las Vegas senior-citizen home...

...accompanied by longtime pageant host,

Stan Fields.

The two were walking to a limo

after a goodwill mission...

...visiting the residents here.

Apparently, Miss United States

and emcee Fields were forced into a truck...

Are they hurt? Are they alive?

What demands have been made?

That's all we know. You'll find out more

when you get to Vegas.

The director wants you

to handle publicity on this.

Public sees you on TV,

they'll feel reassured.

Absolutely, whatever I can do to help.

Get your beauty team assembled

immediately. The jet leaves at 0800.

I want you to have a bodyguard out

of New York. They're strapped in Vegas.

- Sir, why do I need a bodyguard?

- Crowd control.

You're gonna be

the hottest celebrity in Vegas.

- Assuming Wayne Newton isn't in town.

- Oh, of course, sir. "Danke Schoen. "

Fuller! I want you on a plane

to Vegas with Hart.

She's gonna do publicity

on the Cheryl Frazier kidnapping.

Not going.

- Did you just refuse an order?

- I can't take her, sir.

I'll kill her. And I'll enjoy it.

Fuller, you are this close to being gone.

Nobody wants to work with you

in Chicago or here.

That's fine by me. I like to work alone.

Then become a lighthouse keeper.

This is the FBI. We like partners.

She's a pain in the ass.

She's conceited and...

Keep people off her. Keep her safe. You

be a good bodyguard, I'll find you a partner.

You blow this, you're gone. Period.

And by the way,

I loved you both on Regis.

- Grant.

- Boys.

Mr. Grant.

Let's see what you got for me.

- Stan Fields and...

- Miss United States.

You know what the pageant

will pay to get her back? Millions.

- So you're saying we hold her for ransom?

- No.

I hold her for ransom,

and you get a taste.

Bring her to my car.

I'm a little bit hungry.

Hey! We grabbed her.

Moron, you can't handle this job.

The feds will come right down on you.

Don't call me a moron. I got a BA

in Fine Arts, and my brother...

- Don't call me a moron.

- You were unemployed when I found you.

You couldn't keep a job

on the show in the Strip.

I made that show! It was my concept.

Then suddenly they change it and tell me

and Lou we're not up to their standards.

You work for me now.

- Lou.

- I'm there.

Bring me back up!

She's yours! She's all yours!

Let me up! Let me up.

Just let me up.

Oh, God, let me up.

Next time, he lets go.

You guys are crazy!

Now what?

Now we do exactly what he said.

We ransom her.

Please be careful.

My guns are in that Fendi.

Thank you. Thank you.

Please tell me you have tickets

to see Cirque du Soleil.

- I'm your bodyguard.

- What?

McDonald thinks we have a bond

because of our performance on Regis...

...and TRL, Oprah, the Food Network.

Oh, hey, hey, we got some great recipes

from that one. The lemon chicken? Tangy.

Now, look, like all great teams,

Hope and Crosby, Fred and Ginger...

...Outkast...

...the end must come...

...so bye-bye.

Let me make this simple for you, Hart.

McDonald gave me a mission...

...so that plane does not take off

unless we're both on it. Got it?

You might consider a Tic Tac.

Please...

...we're trying to cooperate.

- Shut your mouth.

- You can't talk to her like that.

- You trying to tell me what to do?

- No, I'm just the emcee.

I've heard you sing.

Lucky I don't shoot you now.

Okay, let's line this up.

- And...

- I don't have my crown.

- Who cares?

- I care.

- Fine.

- Thousands of women...

...all across America care.

- Give her the crown.

When in public, Miss United States

always proudly wears her crown.

Okay?

All right, let's go again.

One, two, action.

We've been kidnapped,

and there's two men here...

...who say they're gonna kill us

by Friday at midnight.

But I don't want anyone

to pay them any money.

- Cut!

- That would be giving in to terrorism...

...and I'm Miss United States...

- Cut!

... and I stand for fairness and decency...

...and the American way!

I said, cut!

I'd be happy to say it if you'd like.

I've done quite a bit of theater.

I played lago in Twelfth Night.

Put two more choppers up.

Sir.

- Gracie Hart.

- Yes.

- I'm Walter Collins.

- Sir.

I feel as though

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