Miss Dial

---

Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs,

my name is Erica.

Which one of our

fabulous products

are you calling about today?

I just, I just opened up a can

of your tomato soup and there is

a big fat rat turd right

in the middle of the soup.

Well, I am very sorry

to hear that sir,

I can help you with that today

but first, I just need to

verify a few things.

First of all, are you sure the

foreign particle in question

is a rat dropping?

While rare, sometimes bits

of meat can contaminate

our vegetarian soup products.

It's a rat turd. Okay?

Do you want me to

send it to you?

Do you want to taste it and

see if it's a stray piece

of prime rib, or do you want

to go ahead and trust me

that there is in fact

a piece of rodent sh*t

in the middle of my soup?

That won't be necessary, sir.

There is no need to preserve

the can in question,

you can go ahead and dispose of

it and I can send you a coupon

for a free replacement

can of soup.

How does that sound?

That sounds pretty

God damn weak!

You know, rats caused

the plague, you know?

I could sue you.

I'm very sorry for

your inconvenience.

Because of your extreme

circumstances, I can offer you

a coupon for a dozen cans of

soup, one each month for a year.

Would that be satisfactory?

Yeah, I guess,

fine, whatever.

Great.

Let me just take down your

information and we can

get that right out to you.

Please hold.

Yeah, I heard there's mercury

in these light bulbs.

There is a trace amount of

mercury used in the manufacture

of our compact

florescent bulbs,

but there's no danger

to consumers.

Is your bulb damaged or broken?

I don't think so.

Which one of our

fabulous products

are you calling about today?

Yeah, hi, um, my, my popcorn

setting, it's, uh,

it's still burning my popcorn.

I can help you with that,

but first, I need to ask you

a few questions.

Did you remove the popcorn

bag from the plastic wrapper?

Oh...

Um, let me call you back.

Is the toilet bowl

cleaner safe for animals?

Excuse me?

My dog keeps drinking the blue

water and I think it might be

making him sick, he keeps

foaming at the mouth.

How do I know if

the makeup is working?

This pizza is not as

good as delivery pizza.

How do I make my eyes pop?

See, I'm having a little

situation with

your instant glue.

This TV gets the same

channels as my old TV.

What color goes on my T-zone?

In my day, you could buy a whole

barrel of pickles for a nickel.

It says layer to desired result.

How do I know when I'm there?

Which one of our

fabulous products

are you calling

about today?

I'm calling

about my crockpot.

Pet Lovers

dry cat food mix.

The 18 volt shop-vac.

The Ready Made

Nachos pack.

Mini pizza bagels.

Hemorrhoids cream.

The DVD player.

The plant food.

I can help you with that.

Yeah, um, I put the Blu-ray

disc in and nothing happens

for like ten minutes

before it plays.

CPI's Blu-ray players actually

have some of the best load times

in the industry but as Blu-ray's

a new technology, advances are

being made every day to provide

innovative new features,

interactive online play and

improved disc access time.

That's improved?

So it's supposed to suck?

Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs,

my name is Erica.

And which one of our

fabulous products

are you calling about today?

Hi, I'm calling about

your lawn mower!

It just cut off my toe!

Sir, you need to hang up

the phone and call 911!

I can't...

Your number was on the lawn

mower so I called you

and I don't know what to do.

I'm starting to panic,

I'm losing a lot of blood here.

What do I do?

Are you crazy?

How long have you

been waiting on hold?

What do I do?

Can you tell my mom

I love her, Erica?

Hang up the phone

and call 911 now!

Listen to me, hang

up and call 911!

Gotcha!

Get a life,

you little sh*t.

You sound cute.

What's up?

And which one of

our fabulous products

are you calling about today?

I'm calling about

all of them, ma'am.

Yeah, 'cause I know CPI's

working with three of the five

branches of Government.

I know that you're trying to

brainwash the American people

with your frozen foods, and your

TVs and your foot creams

so that no one questions the

International Monitory Fund's

takeover of our civil liberties.

How ya like me now?

Hello?

Hey hun, what's up?

Not much.

What's going on

with you?

Uh, some guy called

me a whore today.

Wow.

How did he know?

Yeah, oh and some lady wants me

to meet her grandson in Dallas

who is, uh, very nice and

has almost total mobility.

Well, did you

talk to him yet?

Him who?

Him who?

Him Alex!

Uh, not yet.

You really need

to confront him.

It's not that simple.

Erica.

I didn't see anything.

Sara saw them together

with her own two eyeballs.

Yeah, well, just because

they're having lunch

doesn't mean they're

sleeping together.

Okay... You poor,

dumb bastard.

Okay, fine... So what

am I supposed to say?

Oh, uh, hi sweetie, how's

your day, and by the way

are you sleeping with

that skank, Amanda?

Works for me.

You just don't like Alex 'cause

of what he said about your butt.

This has nothing to do with

that, and for the record,

I just want you to know

that I have never had

any complaints

about this ass.

Men have eaten

Har Gow off this ass.

Gross.

Oh, look, it's my

boss, I gotta go.

Okay, take it, but you

need to talk to Alex,

be strong,

do not wimp out.

Okay, I'll call you

later, okay?

Bye.

Bye.

My ass is awesome.

Hi, Mr. Koffsky.

Hey... my computer says

that you're offline.

I know,

I took a break.

Uh-huh... You're not

scheduled for a break

for another

I know... I, uh, had

to go to the bathroom.

I had some bad

nachos last night.

Look, Erica, I don't need to

tell you, we let go of, what,

three Consumer Affairs reps

in the last few weeks and that

means that the people that still

have jobs need to pick up

the slack so more volume

means less time for breaks.

I know, I'm sorry, I'm going

back online right now.

Good, good, because you know

the economy's tough and there

are people out there who

would kill for your job.

I know.

See, I'm online.

Good... then why are you

still talking to me?

Right.

Welcome to CPI Consumer

Affairs, this is Erica.

Yes, my name is Jeffery

Smith-Jones with a hyphen,

and I'd like to know why I can't

get Caribbean Jerk pizza

in the UK?

I mean, it's not like it

really comes from Caribbean.

No, of course not.

Our products are being

introduced into new markets

every day.

Check back on our website for

availability in your area.

Hi Erica.

I think I found a bone in

one of your chicken nuggets.

I almost broke my tooth!

I can help you with that.

I'm sorry our product did not

meet up to your expectations.

Okay... Um, right.

I can get that coupon

out to you right away.

Okay, right.

Have a great day, sir.

Thank you, good-bye.

Hey.

Hey...

What's up, baby?

Where you been all day?

Right here, working.

So, uh, you

coming over later?

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