Miss Dial Page #2

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I don't know.

What's the

matter, baby?

Look, I think

we need to talk.

Oh no... here we go.

No, it's not like

that, it's um...

What's the matter?

Am I not tuning into

your feelings again?

No, it's not that.

It's just... I don't

know how to say this.

Let's just cut to

the chase, okay?

Okay...

Well, someone saw you with

that girl from your work,

um, Amanda something.

Who saw me?

Your friend Samantha

with the fat ass?

No, it was

someone else.

Look, it doesn't

matter who, it just,

she saw you having

lunch with Amanda.

So, what, am I not allowed

to have lunch with someone

I work with now?

She said it

looked suspicious.

Uh, I'm sorry, how exactly do

you eat lunch suspiciously?

Hmm? Educate me on this.

Was I making a shifty

eye motion or did a man

in a trenchcoat drop off

a brief case at my table?

Look, I think Sara knows

the difference between

a business lunch

and something more.

Okay, you know, Erica.

You got me, okay?

You got me.

I have been boning Amanda

and afterwards, I thought

that we'd have lunch

in a public place

so that everyone could

see me groping her tits.

Oh and did your friend Sara

tell you that I left

a used condom

in the booth?

I meant to grab it,

just didn't have time.

Just tell me.

Are you cheating on me?

I thought that

you trusted me.

Just tell me!

I can't believe you

need me to say it.

So the answer's no?

Baby... I would never cheat

on you and you know that.

Okay.

You know, I should

really be...

I should be mad

at you right now.

Your friend Samantha is

an instigating troublemaker.

She's just

looking out for me.

The same way your

friends look out for you.

No, she's

a nosy b*tch.

She's my best

friend, Alex.

Oh, so I suppose after we hang

up, you're probably gonna

call her and tell her that

I just called her a b*tch.

You guys being best

friends and all.

No, I'm not.

Look, uh, I gotta jump so

I want you to think about

what just

happened, okay?

And I want you to call me later

when you're on your way over.

Okay, so he totally denied

everything, of course,

I mean, but I don't

know anymore.

I mean, maybe, maybe

he's telling the truth.

I mean, is it possible

the lunch was innocent,

I mean, Sara didn't really see

anything incriminating, did she?

Who is this?

Oh... I'm sorry, uh,

I must have miss dialed.

Well, hold up, wait a second.

You can't leave me

hanging like that.

Excuse me?

Was the lunch really innocent?

I mean, what did Sara see?

I need details.

Uh, it, it, it's... it's this,

uh, this stupid thing.

Where are you calling from?

L.A. You?

Fayetteville, North Carolina.

Seriously?

Yes, ma'am.

Wow.

That's a pretty big miss dial.

So you're not gonna tell me

all the sordid details?

Uh, well, maybe if

I knew you better.

What do you want to know?

Uh... okay, um...

Well, first, I'm gonna have to

get some basic information.

Coming back from my

second tour of duty,

I'm a Sergeant in the

Army, 1st Battalion 508,

the Parachute

Infantry Regiment.

I have no idea

what that means.

Uh, we fight

the bad guys.

Yeah okay,

I got that part.

So did you ever

kill anybody?

Yeah, actually.

Oh... I'm, uh, sorry,

I didn't, I didn't mean.

No, that's all right.

This past July, my company

was in the village of Jaukar

in the Badghis Province,

the 2nd Platoon was ambushed

by Taliban militants.

Holy sh*t.

Yeah, that's

what we said.

We fought our way out of the

village under heavy machine gun

and RPG fire for six hours

'til we were able to link up

with the rest

of the battalion.

What happened?

Well, we counterattacked from

the East while Alpha

attacked from the West,

we swept across the flank,

completely over run 'em.

Did anyone die?

Yes, ma'am.

Killed 33 militia

men that day.

Did, did you kill

anyone personally?

Yes ma'am.

What about Americans?

Did anyone

on our side die?

No ma'am.

Not that day.

Wow, that's amazing.

I don't actually know anyone

who's in the military.

Really?

I don't hardly know

anyone who isn't.

Well, now you do.

Yeah...

I guess I do.

Oh, um, look, I have

to get back to work.

Well, it was nice

talking to you.

You should miss

dial more often.

You stay safe, okay?

Yes, ma'am.

You too.

Welcome to CPI Consumer

Affairs, this is Erica,

and which one of

our fabulous products

are you calling

about today?

Hello Erica, I'm calling

about your microwave popcorn.

Great, what seems

to be the problem?

Well, there's no problem at all

if my name was Albert Einstein

but it's not.

Did you remember to take the

bag out of the plastic wrapper?

Do you really think

I didn't do that?

Come on now.

That's not my problem.

I'm trying to calculate

how many calories

are in the bag

of popcorn.

Well, the nutritional

information is on the package.

Oh yeah!

Look at that,

it's right there!

You really don't think

I thought of that?

Well listen, since you have

so much mouth, answer me this,

serving size two tablespoons

unpopped, 110 calories;

but wait, it also says

one cup popped, 20 calories.

Yeah, yeah, that's because that

most of the oil used for popping

isn't consumed, it just

remains in the bag.

Oh, so you have all

the answers today, huh?

You're just Miss Answer Lady,

aren't you?

Okay, well answer me this, it

says a serving size is two cups

of popped popcorn, 120 calories,

and one bag of popcorn makes

six and half cups popped, but

two tablespoons is 110 calories,

and how many servings

are in a bag?

You know what?

I'm gonna have to transfer

you to my supervisor

'cause I don't want to give

you the wrong information.

So, you know let's get an

expert on the line, hmm?

Thank you.

Please hold.

Hello?

Hi! Hi! My name is Erica,

and I'm just calling to -

Nope.

Hello?

Jerk.

Hello?

Hi, my name is Erica and,

uh, I'm not selling anything

and I'm not calling to

get anything from you.

So why are you calling?

I don't know really.

No, actually that's not true.

I'm, uh, okay maybe this is

gonna sound really weird,

but I'm just calling

to talk to someone.

You're not sitting in a bathtub

with slashed wrists, are you?

No, although I did

just take 40 Xanax.

I'm just kidding, it's a joke.

No, I'm, uh, I'm not

suicidal, I'm not lonely,

I'm just trying to,

uh, I don't know,

connect with

another human being.

Is that so wrong?

No, no that's not wrong.

I, when I was younger we used

to do it back in my day only,

only back then, we called it

"taking a chance. "

Yes!

That is exactly what

I'm talking about.

So where are you from?

I was born and raised

in Brooklyn, New York.

Really?

Um, are you married?

Depends.

What do you look like?

Oh, alright yes, 57 years,

five kids, 17 grandchildren

and one great-grandkid

that keeps beating me

at computer bowling.

You play Wii bowling?

I love Wii bowling!

Yeah but what are you

really passionate about?

I mean, there must be something

you just love, love, love,

you know what I mean?

I think I could be an artist.

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