Miss Nobody

Sarah jane:
For a long time,

I'd walk into work

convinced they all knew,

They saw right through me,

me and my innocent act,

Which never used

to be an act--

It's who I really was.

I would never

do anything bad, ever!

I always imagined myself

having a simple life--

Find a nice guy, settle down,

live happily ever after.

Who would've thought

Looking for love

would be so tricky?

But like mom always said,

"sarah jane, ambition will put

you in an early grave."

That's me,

sarah jane mckinney,

Administrative assistant

at judge pharmaceuticals.

( elevator bell dings )

Okay, I was a secretary,

Five years and counting.

I was good at my job,

And I even liked it

most of the time.

But you know what they say--

A job doesn't keep you

warm at night

Or make your heart

skip a beat.

I was beginning to wonder--

Had my life been jinxed

right from the start?

When I was a kid,

I was mom's little movie star,

Which explains why she did me

up just like audrey hepburn

For the st. George's

beauty pageant.

Well, that's mom.

I tried to make her happy,

and for good reason...

Claire!

...My dad.

( plays discordant notes )

Claire!

The divorce papers clearly state

that I got rights!

Now, where's

my goddamn daughter?

Shh! Shut up.

Get off me!

Stop!

My mom believed in karma,

That we all got

what we deserved.

But me, I...

I leaned more towards

divine intervention,

My guardian angel.

( bell tolling )

St. George.

Dragon slayer,

patron saint of chivalry,

Knights, romance...

And justice.

( school bell rings )

but ever since then,

St. George

has watched out for me.

Take frankie sheftell.

I thought frankie was

everything a girl could want--

Popular...

Athletic...

( grunts )

( whistle blows )

A serious hottie.

Oh, don't worry.

He survived.

He even asked me

to marry him

Over a milkshake

at the dairy joy.

Mom was heartbroken when

he ditched me at the altar,

But really st. George

had sent me

Another blessing

in disguise.

The blessing was

the salad girl from pizza hut,

And her name turned out

to be dick.

( weeping )

Was I unlucky in love?

You never really know.

I trusted my guardian angel.

St. George would guide me

to my knight in shining armor.

Please, please, please

grant me this wish.

Show me the right path,

And I promise

I will never let you down,

Never ever ever.

Honest.

I swear it.

I faced life at judge

one day at a time...

With my bff,

charmaine abatemarco.

...Posted right there

on the board.

I says to myself,

"charmaine," I says...

That's so charmaine,

always with the big plans.

She had ambition.

I wish I had big plans.

You know what

I'm saying? Hey!

Hmm?

So I applied,

and I will not

be denied.

You should totally

apply, too.

I mean, I don't know

if you'll get it,

'cause I have

more experience,

But you should

definitely try.

Sarah jane:
Lie?

Claire:
That's right, lie.

If you want this gig,

you gotta get

A little loosey-goosey

with the facts.

I know, but a master's

in chemistry?

Look, judge pharmaceuticals

is a drug company, right?

Well, if you want to be

an executive,

Vast right-wing conspiracy,

you gotta smell like one.

Yeah, but, mom, it's just--

it's so wrong.

( laughing )

What if they check up?

That's the beauty of lying,

baby, the never do.

They're too busy

lying to themselves.

Come on, honey, look,

do you wanna be like me,

Or do you wanna

be like me?

( coughing )

Oh, mr.--

No, mom,

I got it.

Swallowed

your dentures again!

Mr. Ketchum!

Mr. Ketchum!

There you go.

Cough 'em up.

Cough 'em

right there.

That's our boarder,

mr. Ketchum.

Mom was so tired of fishing

his dentures out of the toilet,

But he was a sweet old man...

Although his alzheimer's

was definitely getting worse.

( stops speaking )

Uh, mr. Ketchum?

Just once,

why couldn't mom rent

To some young,

handsome guy?

Mr. Ketchum?

Dorothy?

Mr. Ketchum! Hi.

I'm okay.

( flushes )

me too.

Thanks.

You okay,

mr. Ketchum?

Okay, mr. Ketchum,

let's go.

Upstairs, beddy-bye.

Go on, you old fart.

How he pays his rent,

I'll never know.

Must have some money buried

in the cellar, huh?

Oh, oh!

Oh, and madame curie,

"chemistry's" spelled

with one "m," not two.

Hmm.

"dear mr. Gabowski,

I have been

An administrative assistant

at judge..."

I worked on that application

until 3:
00 in the morning.

I told them

that I loved chemistry,

That I loved

judge pharmaceuticals,

And that I knew that company

from the inside out.

I didn't think of it

as lying,

Just embellishing

a bit.

Look, I omitted the part

about being nominated

For a nobel peace prize.

St. George would grant me

some wiggle room.

Charmaine:
Oh, my god.

What?

You got it!

No!

Yes! A junior executive.

St. George and I

were on our way up.

Secretary-wise,

I knew everybody

and everybody knew me.

There wasn't a xerox copier

I couldn't ink,

A bigalow's tea bag

I couldn't locate.

But that? That was

ancient history.

I'd moved up

to judge pharmaceuticals

Famed division four.

My first day

as a junior executive,

I toasted st. George

with a double-shot

low-fat hazelnut latte

And fortified myself

with estee lauder

Perfume freebies

at nordstrom's.

Stop by confession first

or nordstrom's?

Nordstrom's.

Mm. Sexy.

Constipated, period?

Nope.

Cramps, eczema, asthma?

No.

Mm. Ah-ha. So.

( elevator bell dings )

You gonna knock

'em dead or what?

Do I know you

from somewhere?

Charmaine abatemarco,

honeybun.

Seventy-five words

per minute,

coffee always fresh,

And don't you

dare forget me.

Hey, sarah jane!

Don't you dare.

Oh. Uh, you must be

miss mckinney.

Milo beeber.

( sighs )

They didn't

tell you.

Tell me?

St. Louis division

flew me in last Friday.

They didn't tell you.

Oh, a-all I know

is that I applied

For this job a month ago,

and mr. Grabow--

Grabowski's been fired.

Oh.

Promotion's off.

Oh.

Um, I assume

this is yours, yes?

Uh-huh.

And...

Yeah.

I'm being let go?

Oh, no, nothing

like that.

You get to be

my new secretary.

Will that be all, sir?

Um... Coffee.

Coffee?! He actually

said that?

Mm-hmm! Translation--

put up, suck up, or die!

But still, oh!

Ugh!

He's kind of cute.

Charmaine abatemarco!

I'm just saying, you know,

he could be quite a catch.

What?

Sweetie, look.

It wasn't but a minute ago

You were all set

to marry frankie numb-nuts.

Remember him?

You wanted to start

Popping out

little pygmies,

Grow an industrial-sized ass,

and settle down

For a nice long run

as a housefrau?

When that didn't fly,

you set your sights

on the executive suites.

Why? Hey! 'cause you're

a survivor, right?

All I'm selling now

is survive more!

Combine the two

and become mrs. Beeber,

Executive housefrau.

No, uh-uh, no way.

I don't even know

if this beeber guy

is even attracted to me.

Rule of thumb--

if the new boss

Is even

the least bit game,

He starts with

the wandering hand disease.

At first, his wrist

Will accidentally

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