Miss Nobody Page #2

dust yours.

This usually happens

after lunch--

Like, 3:
00

at the latest.

By Thursday,

he'll find some way

to stroke your cheek.

It's all very subtle

at first.

He'll think it's you,

but it's not.

In a week, if he's

still hot to trot,

He'll chummy up with

an innocent backrub.

Bosses are the easiest

men to screw.

Sarah jane:
Char had a point!

He certainly was touchy.

On the other hand...

I mean, I have been

half-fondled

And sexually harassed.

( gasps )

I needed some advice

From someone

who knew about men.

( chuckles ) as far as

the target gender goes,

This little number?

Guaranteed erection.

Mom, you want me

to wear that?

Oh, listen, doll!

Sex-wise, men are obsessed

with four things.

Two of them,

like cow udders, fit here,

The third is a foul

and disgusting jungle,

And the fourth is

some bizarre fetish having

to do with calf muscles,

Hence my all-purpose

come-f***-me pumps.

Double bueno!

You'll be the ho

I always hoped for.

You know how every girl

has worn that one dress

That was just

an inch too short...

Or maybe four to five inches?

In any event, it seemed

to be working.

( elevator bell dings )

I was getting noticed!

( elevator bell dings )

I was on my way up.

Are you all right?

It's almost 6:
00.

How's about you

go grab the files,

And, uh, we'll work

through dinner.

You like

chinese food?

I love chinese food.

Good. I know

the perfect spot.

How about

this hemorrhoid cream?

Stats say

it's a top seller.

One mu shu pork

and three mai tais later,

I found myself

drifting off.

Why are people needing

so much hemorrhoid cream?

Rear schmear.

But mr. Beeber

kept talking work...

Write that down.

We'll bring that up.

...And I wanted him

talking us.

Rear schmear.

It's the whole rhyming thing.

It's like mom

always said.

Best way to keep

a man interested?

Get him talking

about himself.

Mr. Beeber? I-I can't

help wondering.

I mean, you have

this mile-long resume.

Why--

Why did I accept

this position?

I mean, it kind of seems

like a step down.

No offense.

New job.

Gotcha. Bored.

No, new job. N-e-w j-o-b.

Nether, everwright,

Wilder, jejeune,

Ormsby, and bardo.

See, back in st. Louis,

The head honchos

are entrenched for life.

There's no chance

for me to move up.

But... Here,

The right exec can gut

the competition

And move straight

to the top.

New job.

"how does he plan

to do this?" she asks.

With this little blue pill.

Clarity.

Clarity.

It reverses

age-onset senility.

Clarity has been

developed years ago.

It had only been tested

a little bit

And then mothballed

due to budget cuts.

The one thing

he was convinced of,

It was sure to be

the next wonder drug.

Maybe charmaine

was right!

Maybe this guy

was a catch!

Business is like chess,

sarah jane.

Yeah?

You always gotta think

three moves ahead.

Like, when I stole your job

and insisted you work for me...

I wanted you

on my side.

You did?

The question is, do you stick

around and play my queen,

Or stay the pawn?

Queen sounds real nice.

Let's say we finish up

back at my place.

( slurps anxiously )

( burps )

Excuse me.

( thunder rumbles )

All right.

It's right in here.

Oh.

Ah! Home base.

Make yourself at home.

Nice place.

Thank you.

I just moved in,

So please excuse the mess.

Mm.

Yeah, I made a killing

on a foreclosure sale.

Here you are.

To subprime

bankruptcies.

To subprime

bankruptcies.

( phone chirps )

Hmm! Uh,

just a second. Sorry.

( camera sound clicks )

Sorry about that,

but for a moment there,

I thought it was

my fiancee.

What? Fiancee?

Mm-hmm.

You-- you mean

you're engaged?

Yeah.

Wait, we're

not gonna date?

Date? You and me?

No, of course not.

Why not?

I mean...

Then why am I here?

It-- you're

my secretary.

I always have sex

with my secretary.

What--

yeah.

Um--

It's--

Mr. Beeber!

The ladder!

I like it on the ladder.

Haven't tried it

that way yet.

Get off of me!

You just get off of me!

Mr. Beeber.

Mr. Beeber!

( gasps )

uh! Ooh!

Feisty.

Mr. Beeber, I said no!

Oh!

Mr. Beeber?

Are you okay?

( gasps )

( muffles a shriek )

Next day, it was there

on my face

For all the world to see...

Guilty.

Ah, there she is.

Sarah jane mckinney?

Yes.

It was the police.

Put out

your hands, please.

They'd found out.

I was sure of it.

Congratulations.

You've got your promotion.

What?

We just flew in

from the head office

to give you the news.

It seems that

mr. Beeber's had,

Well, a rather

unfortunate accident.

( gasps ) no.

I-I hope he is all right.

An umbrella just, uh--

Right through.

Well, it's tragic, really.

But the good new is

is that you're next in line.

That is good news.

So look on the bright side.

His loss

is your gain.

I finally had

my promotion!

I did write

a nice sympathy note

To mr. Beeber's fiancee.

I was sorry for her...

Even if she was going

to marry a lech.

It didn't take a genius

to see that none of the execs

Had a clue about the horrors

of cellulite-- or cared!

In short, fat cells

push up against fibrous tissue

To form clumps of fat

called cellulite.

Cream-wise, nothing we have

puts a dent in it.

Maybe I wasn't as far

out of my league as I thought.

Meet cynthia bardo.

Ms. Bardo had been crated in

from the new England branch.

Her main expertise?

Sales, with a side order

of s-e-x.

Leonard ormsby,

marketing guru.

Leonard's wife had recently

given him an ultimatum--

Either he lose

the blubber gut,

Or she'd divorce him

and marry his twin.

That's joshua nether,

head of finance

And our resident

sexual predator.

He thought of himself

as a lady-killer,

But really all the ladies

wanted to kill him.

Then there was pierre jejeune,

public relations.

His superiors

thought he walked on water,

But to everyone else,

total bottom feeder.

( growls )

Next up, nan wilder,

product development czar

And my boss.

She was known

to play favorites.

It's not a bad gig

if you can get it.

Last but not least,

mr. Hale everwright,

Division four's

big man in charge.

Apparently mr. E. Had little,

if any idea what he was doing,

But that didn't stop him

from leading division four

With great,

albeit clueless, gusto.

There you have it--

n-e-w j-o-b. New job.

...Suppositories and wipes

are performing in the field.

Excellent.

Very good work.

( whispers )

sarah jane.

Sarah.

( whispers )

jane.

Jane.

These psoriasis stats?

So, our butt plugs and wipes

Cause 10% of the public

to itch a twitch.

What do we care if it works

for the other 90?

Uh, well, in terms

of competition--

Pierre's right.

If this goop sues--

Better yet, sells--

then that's why we

Exist, isn't it,

to make profits?

Thank you for backing me

up on that.

Good job,

sarah jane.

Their message was clear.

The game is dog-eat-dog.

Did I feel small?

Oh, yeah, so much

that I nearly confessed.

Charmaine, what I'm

trying to say is that

I might have done

something bad, very bad.

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