Miss Nobody Page #3

You gonna eat

your shrimp?

Charmaine,

I'm talking here!

Look, I know, all right?

You know?

Absolutely.

Did you do bad?

No doubt about it.

So your new challenge is

how fast can you score

Before wilder

fires your ass.

Hold on. Wait.

I'm getting fired?

( slurping )

sarah jane, give me

a swig of your coke.

The game

is hardball.

You gotta think

three steps ahead.

That's what beeber said.

Beeber, schmeeber.

The question is did he

leave anything behind

that you can rip off?

He never mentioned

some new malaria drug,

Or, I don't know,

a spiffy new ointment?

Clarity.

Missy, I think I'm being

plenty clear, right?

Enough career talk.

( sighs )

Hey, dish me.

Who'd you slay?

What do you mean?

Men, you nerdling!

Oh!

Which exec did you set

your beady little eyes on?

Speak of the devil.

( growls )

Johnny, god!

Hi, there.

What, baby?

Hey, sarah jane.

So, is it true

what they say,

Execs, uh, do it better?

Cool breeze,

lay off.

All right, charmaine,

come on.

Come on, come on,

come on, come on!

We only got an hour left.

That's johnny,

char's husband.

Sorry.

They were trying

for a baby...

Mm!

...But char was still

sneaking the pill.

She said she liked

the extra attention.

Was I jealous of char?

Maybe a little.

But I had clarity

to think about.

The deeper I sank

my teeth into clarity,

The more I was convinced

I was onto something.

With clarity,

older lab rats

Had increased their

cognitive abilities tenfold.

I mean, who wouldn't want

smarter elderly rats?

So, with my ad campaign,

Mouthwash sales could enjoy

an uptick of 3%.

Care to comment,

sarah jane?

Um...

Why only three?

( chuckles )

( laughing )

It's ridiculous, right?

( sighs ) I know.

Do you agree?

Yes, I do agree.

I agree.

And now they're enacting laws

so we can't even conduct

research on illegal immigrants.

I mean, american citizens,

okay, but foreigners?

( snorts )

I mean, how are we

ever to know if

These idiotic drugs

actually work?

It's crazy.

A surefire cure for alzheimer's

would be my ticket to success,

But first I had to test it

On a living, breathing

human being...

And I had

the perfect guinea pig.

The following night

I slipped 10 milligrams

Of clarity into mr. Ketchum's

mushroom soup.

Uh, salty.

Oh, for christ's sake,

it's like caring for an infant.

Day one. Minor

motor control issues.

Mr. Ketchum?

Oh.

( alarm clock dinging )

I couldn't let anyone

know I had clarity,

So I had to do all my research

on the sly,

Keep clarity under wraps.

It was

a delicate balancing act,

So I prayed to st. George

for wisdom and patience...

Patience to deal with

my personal secretary,

L.J. Feffer.

L.J.! I'm expecting

a very important call

from miss wilder.

( phone ringing )

Having a male secretary

was a nice twist,

But seriously...

L.J.:
Hello?

Is there anything else?

The wheel was spinning,

but the hamster was dead.

Hel-hello?

( beep )

L.J., are you

buzzing me?

No. Hello?

( beeps )

l.J.

L.J.?

Huh?

Did you--

no. Hello?

Buzz me?

( beeping )

Ugh.

L.J., who was that?

Who was what?

On the phone?

Um, I told her

that you were busy.

Told who?

Um...

Miss wilder.

Miss wilder?

L.J., she's my boss!

I was waiting for her call.

I said that was

a very important call!

Whoops. I didn't--

know that--

I guess

that's my bad, hmm?

Is there anything else?

Yes. Staples

are for paper,

Not for pants.

I'll staple you. Stapler.

( spritzing )

( knocking )

Miss wilder?

Ah.

Sarah jane.

Glad you stopped by.

Come on in.

I'm having a bit

of a problem with

your performance lately.

It's too good.

Gee. For a moment there--

threw you, huh?

Mm.

Damn it.

Now, orchids

I can deal with,

But bonsais are

so, uh, touchy.

May I?

Sure.

Yeah, you're killing

them with kindness.

Bonsai plants,

you have to have a deft hand.

Sort of, uh, flatter

them a little?

Exactly. Next time,

you just turn the nozzle

to "spray."

The girl even knows

plants. ( chuckles )

Miss wilder--

sarah jane--

Go ahead.

Well...

I just wanted to say,

Woman to woman,

That I think that you rank

right up there

With, like,

I don't know. Oprah.

Why, sarah jane!

Are you trying

to kiss my ass?

Yes, ma'am,

I believe I am.

Good. It shows spunk.

Have a seat.

Play the queen,

never the pawn.

Mr. Beeber

taught me that.

Really?

Milo and I came up

in the company together.

We even had

a pet project-- clarity.

Hmm. Actually, I-I barely

got to know him.

He was all penis.

Gotcha.

And I was

a headstrong woman

In an increasingly

wussified man's world,

So we joined forces...

To get ahead.

After all, we all

want to get ahead,

Don't we,

sarah jane?

Miss wilder, I'm not

getting your drift.

Then why are you holding

my old clarity files?

This? No.

No, no, no, you're mistaken.

You know

what else I think?

I think that

you were with beeber

the night he died.

How can you-- no--

'cause that night,

beeber texted me...

Your picture,

and typed in

That he was about

to bed you down.

We were kinky that way.

See?

( click )

( inhales ) mm!

We went to dinner...

That night, sure.

For work.

I-I just got confused--

So, you were

with him that night?

At dinner.

But not at his--

Then why didn't

you call the police?

Because he stole my job,

And--and I didn't think

that they would believe me.

I mean, who am I?

I'm a nobody.

Why don't we just

call the police,

You know, tell them

your little story,

And see what they think.

No, no, no, please don't.

Were you at

his place or not?

You killed him,

didn't you?

Miss wilder, you have

to understand.

He fell off

of this ladder

And landed on

this cheap umbrella.

You mean

my housewarming gift?

I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean

to kill him.

Please, you have

to understand that.

I swear. Just--

Don't call the police.

Call the police?

Now? ( chuckles )

Why on earth

would I do that?

No. No, no,

no, no, no.

No?

I'll tell you what

I'll be wanting.

You'll be giving me

80% of your paycheck

Each week in cash.

You can leave now.

I had a difficult

decision to make--

Give in to

miss wilder's demands,

Electrocute her

at the water cooler,

Or trip her

on the subway.

Tough choices.

A sign!

St. George was with me.

"...Mercy shall follow me

all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the house

of the lord forever."

It would be miss wilder's

fondest wish

That would you fill in

at her desk, sarah jane.

"fondest wish."

Still, I began to get

this feeling

The other execs

didn't like me very much.

I needed guidance

from a higher source.

Look, st. George,

I know you just gave me a sign,

But when I saw

those execs eyeballing me,

It really got me thinking

that maybe

That legless george guy

was just a coincidence,

So no offense, but I'd

really like another sign,

Just, you know, to confirm

that I'm on the right track.

Did I under-do the candles?

No? Good. Okay.

( mouse squeaks )

Claire:
Sarah jane!

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