Miss You Already

(PANTING)

(JESS) You know it's funny, I don't

remember getting pregnant with you or...

Oh, God. And I didn't marry you

but somehow we're in this together.

(JESS GRUNTS)

(MIDWIFE) Is there anyone else I can call?

(JESS) The bloody morphine man.

- It's too late for drugs now.

- It's never too late for drugs.

(JESS) Kill me.

Just kill me.

That's it, breathe.

(JESS MOANS)

(JESS) 'Ah, childbirth.

'The most beautiful experience

of a woman's life.'

- It's OK. You're in control.

- I'm in agony!

'Marginally less painful

'than having your nose hacked off

with a shovel.'

Breathe, Jess. Breathe.

- I want Milly.

- Who? Who is Milly?

'Milly, my best friend.

'Although a proper friend

would have prevented me

'from ever having sex in the first place.

'I met Milly when my dad got transferred

from Oregon to London.'

(TEACHER) OK, everybody.

Here is our new girl. Jess.

All the way from America.

Hey, guys. Nice to meet you.

- Nice accent.

- "I'm American."

OK. What do we know about America?

Milly.

They've got electric chairs. Zzz!

'Milly took pity on me

and taught me how to speak proper English.'

Bloody bleeding bumhole bugger arse!

- You've got it.

- Yay!

'Milly's mum was a TV actress.'

Milly.

So how does mummy look?

Like a right old tart.

Back to your homework.

"Mr Heathcliff had..."

"an erect and handsome figure."

(BOY) Hello, ladies.

Do you wanna come check out my big throne?

'We did everything together.

'First kisses.'

We kissed a boy!

'First sexual encounters...'

(CHANTING) Get your tits out.

Get your tits out for the lads!

Milly! What are you doing?

Jess! I just had sex!

'First little bundle of joy.'

Kit.

All right, ladies?

Congratulations. Who's the dad?

I'm kidding.

She's not.

That's excellent.

That's excellent.

We're gonna have a family!

We're gonna have a family!

'And because Milly

liked to be the first at everything...

' ...Milly's roadie

turned into a family man with a plan.'

Soundz!

- Soundz!

- Soundz!

'A really good plan.'

Get the speakers in.

Sell the speakers, that's it.

Get the baby bump.

'While I got busy

trying to make the world a better place.'

OK. Scarlett, we're gonna plant

those tomatoes next. OK?

'And I fell for someone who looked

way better than me in a tool belt.'

Sorry, mate. Sorry, mate. Sorry.

Are you all right?

Sorry, mate.

Sh*t.

(KIT) When is the second truck coming?

- (MILLY) What truck?

- With your shoe collection.

(MILLY) And your hair products.

Oh, Juliet.

Oh, I love my house! This is my house!

Our house. Me and the kids

are gonna live here, too.

- I think we should christen this room.

- I think we should christen every room.

Kiss me.

'Milly actually became

a wonderful mother.'

- I love you.

- Love you.

- (MILLY) Ben, show dad how to do it. Go on.

- How do you make it wiggle?

- Oh, my God.

- You're so good at it.

'While I was still just an auntie.'

Go home and make a baby with Jago.

- We're trying.

- It's the best part.

'And though Milly

wasn't always entirely appropriate...'

Thank you all for coming

to celebrate my mother's life...

'...she was always there.'

I'm so sorry.

(SCARLET) Happy birthday, Auntie Jess.

- Ready?

- Bet the flash doesn't work.

Happy birthday!

'I didn't have many pictures

that Milly wasn't in.

'Until now.'

(MILLY) Hiya.

(DR BUTALA) Hello you.

(DR BUTALA) Come, sit down.

So, Milly.

I know, I forgot to come

back for my check-up.

The breast lump biopsy

shows that the lump is malignant.

OK?

Now we will need to run

further investigations.

A CT scan, staging chest, abdomen

and pelvis to see if it's spread.

We'll also look at your lymph nodes.

But for now, what we can do

is plan your chemotherapy regime.

That's it, is it?

You promised me you'd eat some green.

Just cheese and bread. That's all

you're gonna eat is cheese and bread?

Give mummy a kiss.

What's up with mummy?

You haven't touched your food.

Have something.

(JAGO) Hey, isn't today a fertile day?

You up for a quick spooge before work?

Maybe.

Oh, wait.

- Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

- Wait? What for?

Why, what?

What's that?

Some kind of laptop for our hamster?

It's my new fertility monitor.

I pee on it first thing in the morning

and it tells me if I'm ovulating or not.

Heaven forbid we actually have sex

for the fun of it one of these days.

Well what if we keep trying and trying

and it just never works?

Eventually you're gonna go off

and make babies with some 22-year-old.

You mean you're not 22?

You lying cow.

- Your eggs are ready.

- (BLEEP)

Not according to this.

- (KIT) You seen my tuxedo trousers?

- Dry-cleaning bag.

Bastard black tie events.

- I bet Jago's not wearing a tux.

- He'd better be.

Stop moaning.

Nobody's gonna be looking at you anyway.

- You're just a handbag holder.

- (MIRANDA) Milly.

I think Ben's got head L-I-C-E.

Oh, Jesus.

As soon as they start back at school.

- Every bloody term.

- (MIRANDA) Well you have to fumigate, Milly.

I didn't sign up for this.

(BEN SCREAMS)

The nits are sucking out my brain.

(MIRANDA) Let me dry your hair.

Back in the bathroom.

My mother is sucking out my brain meat.

It was your bright idea

to have her move near us.

I was blinded by the thought

of free babysitting.

(MIRANDA) Oh my God,

Scarlett's got them too.

Ow, Nana. Get off.

It's not nana, sweetie. It's Miranda. Milly,

you have to comb through the kids' hair.

- Doesn't she, Kit?

- Absolutely.

Fine. I'll deal with the head lice,

you go to the benefit

and take care of 200 VIPs.

You look stunning.

But you've got to get them out more.

Mum, I'm a PR executive,

not a sex worker.

- Oh, well...

- This is what was in the dry-cleaning bag.

Oh my God, Dad.

Why are you wearing girl's jeggings?

Can we sack the dry-cleaner?

- They pop if you squeeze them.

- (KIT) Disgusting.

Ben, stop it! All nitty children

back in the bathroom. Go, go, go.

(MAN) 'Because of your support...

'we've given over 260,000 people

safe, clean water.'

We're gonna do even more.

Help us build wells tonight.

Hello. I'm so happy to see you.

Thank you so much for coming.

Have a fabulous evening.

Do not get drunk

and bid on sh*t we can't afford.

OK. How about if I get really drunk

but don't bid on anything?

- Deal.

- OK.

(ALL) Hey!

OK, OK. Please, tonight, just try

not to embarrass me for once. I am working.

- By the way, you look amazing.

- Not enough tits out according to my mother.

She's the expert.

Oh God. All right, I gotta go persuade

all these rich people to flash their cash.

Milly. Er...

Actually, right now I'd like you to react

as if I've said something humanitarian

yet hilarious.

Happy Valentine's, sexy.

Little gift to yourself?

Nope. I'm already wearing mine.

(JAGO) All right, I'm off.

- Happy Valentine's Day.

- Oh, what?

Sweetheart, you know I think it's all a

load of commercialised bollocks, right?

Yes, I do.

Hey...

I've been thinking

and maybe we should put

all our eggs in one...

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