Miss You Already Page #2

test tube. You know,

go in for the old fertility treatment.

But we didn't qualify for free treatment.

I'm not talking about doing it

on the National Health.

You're going on the oil rig again.

- Only for a short stint.

- No. They're the worst.

- Yeah, that's why they pay the most.

- I don't even take aspirin.

I hate the thought of all

those horrible drugs.

Yeah, I hate the thought of wanking-off

into a plastic cup,

but if it means that we produce an heir

to our extensive power tool collection

it'll all be worthwhile. Hey...

happy Valentine's Day.

Drill bits.

(PURRS)

Will you think about it?

OK.

(DIALING TONE)

- (JESS) 'Hi.'

- Hey. What are you up to at lunch-time?

Working lunch.

Team bonding with the sex gods

from Water and Sanitation.

Oh, OK.

Is everything OK?

'Milly?'

You found out a week ago?

And you haven't told Kit yet?

I have to have chemotherapy.

Like straight away.

I'm gonna be bald.

Lots of people are bald.

Men are bald, yes. Babies. ET.

Not me.

- They might take my tits away.

- They haven't said that yet.

Not for sure.

I mean, how much cancer can you have?

You've had all your check-ups.

- Well, I've been busy.

- Oh, Jesus.

- How could the tumour have gotten so big?

- It's aggressive, like you. Jesus.

- Well, is it contained?

- In my body, yes.

- You should've gone back sooner.

- Yeah, thanks. Hadn't figured that out.

You're right, that was

a really stupid thing to say. I'm sorry.

Is it too late?

To put these in the wash.

- You have to think positively.

- (MILLY) Oh God, if I die...

- If you say that again...

- Well...

Don't say that.

It's all gonna be OK.

I can't believe we're laughing.

I can't believe we're laughing.

(MILLY) I don't want them

to have to go through it.

They won't have to.

They're not going to.

They're gonna watch me go through it

and have all sorts of sh*t to deal

with when they're older.

We're gonna make it

extra wonderful for them.

We'll look after them so much.

You've made them into such wonderful kids.

The lovely nurse puts chemotherapy

into the IV drip.

And the medicine is like

an army of soldiers

and they all march into mummy's body.

(ALL CHANT)

Left right, left right, left right.

Now, chemo soldiers,

they shoot the bad cancer out.

I want chemotherapy!

(MILLY) The soldiers are a bit rubbish

so they also shoot parts of mummy's body

that aren't poorly

and this makes mummy feel ill.

Oh!

And just to be very, very safe

the soldiers might zap out

all of mummy's big hair.

But all this is so mummy will get better.

(ALL) Yay!

And that, my gorgeous family,

is chemotherapy.

Very good, Mummy.

Good plan?

No. You go, I'll be fine.

I've got Jess to order around.

What's new?

I'll get the kids from your mum.

OK, I've got magazines, nail art,

funny animals on YouTube.

Oh! I've got a sexy bed.

Did you bring a vibrator?

- Yes, several.

- Yes!

Jess, this is Nurse Sam.

Nurse Sam, this is Jess,

my elderly companion.

Sam, I want a blue cap.

Just so you know,

with your type of chemo

there's only about a 20% chance

it'll save your hair.

And some find it quite painful.

Worked for me.

- Get me the blue cap.

- She wants the blue cap.

She's getting the blue cap.

(JESS) Wow, that is a big prick.

(SAM) Yeah, I know, bit of a monster.

OK, Milly.

- Oh, it's a beautiful vein.

- Yay, I have beautiful veins.

(JESS) Always thought

you had beautiful veins.

You kind of look like a superhero.

I just can't place which one

and I can't tell if you're good or bad.

It... it... may be Captain America.

May be Aquagirl.

(MILLY) Whichever one it

is lives in an igloo.

- (JESS) Is it cold?

- I have an ice-cream headache,

as though I've eaten the entire shop

out of their ice-lollies.

(JESS) Definitely Captain America.

'The chemo took forever.

'My job, Milly said, was to turn up with

treats and try not to be annoying.'

(SAM) So, Jess, you're in charge of these.

Recycled vomit bowls?

We won't need those

because I took my meds.

I might need one after seeing

that enormo needle go into your veins.

- Do you want one of my pills?

- Yes.

Girls, we're not at Glastonbury.

You can't just swap pills.

Oh, you spoilsport.

(SAM) Yeah, well look, anti-nausea tablets

work for 80% of patients.

But just in case Milly's

in the special 20%... Hey!

Highly technical equipment.

Thank you.

Good. Keep an eye on her.

Thank you, Sam.

Oh, nice hat.

(MAN) How are we gonna

reboot his image?

(KIRA) Easy.

We just need loads of charity work.

And children, doctors.

Maybe go to hospitals...

Kira, let's hear from Milly.

We could start by encouraging him

not to cheat on his wife with a dominatrix.

(MAN) I mean I tried to kill that story.

(WOMAN) I even called the trades.

(MAN) What was that thing

about the statement

that we made for the agent?

Was that you, Kira?

Are you done, Sam?

Shot.

Oh, my God.

(JESS) Burmese virgin hair.

Malaysian virgin hair.

(MILLY) That's me. I'm a Malaysian virgin.

(JESS) You wish.

Mongolian virgin hair.

God, Milly.

Oh, these wigs are so expensive.

Well, look at the state of me, Jess.

Money is no object.

Everyone, this is Jill.

The greatest wigmaker

Pinewood Studios ever had.

Piss off, darling.

(JILL) Hello, Milly.

Now, I can make you something,

but I think we should just play

with some of these wigs.

Just to get the feel.

- OK?

- OK.

(JILL) Got a few ready for you.

If you could just hold the front,

that would be great. Thank you.

Of course we can style it any which way.

Oh, sorry, that's a little bit

1980's political lesbian.

Boring.

(JILL) We have something

a little more exciting here.

Oh, very Studio 54.

What do you think, Randy?

- (MOUTHS) Randy?

- Darling, it's all a naked blur.

- You like?

- (JESS) It's a little Goth.

Yeah, it looks like I'm just gonna pop out

and drink some blood.

(JILL) This won't do, will it?

Is it OK if I just try this one?

Sorry, I've been eye-balling it.

Oh my God.

The sun actually will come out tomorrow,

Daddy Warbucks.

Poodle perm.

Jill, will you just please

make me not look bald.

Colour?

- Something that matches.

- Upstairs or downstairs?

- Pubes are gone.

- Upstairs it is.

Oh, I think I've got something rather

special that I made for a Scorsese film.

- Scorsese film?

- (JILL) You're gonna love...

Yes, it was a couple of years ago.

- Darling, you never mentioned that.

- I e-mailed you.

Bit tight, but that's gonna be OK.

But wait a minute.

A few nips and tucks,

I think it should be perfect.

Yeah. That's the one.

- Thank you.

- OK, my pleasure.

(MIRANDA) Thank you, Jill.

(JILL) Just take that off.

I kind of thought it would really work

and I think it has.

Now, Milly, dear girl...

how about we just get rid of all this?

- What, now?

- (JILL) It's all gonna go very soon, darling.

Best avoid the insane asylum look.

- Sure, why not?

- Good girl.

- I think I'll put the kettle on.

- OK. I'll help.

It's often those watching

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