Mistress America Page #9

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MAMIE-CLAIRE

Yes! I am!

60.

BROOKE:

(to Tracy)

Remember this truth: It’s onlypeople who don’t have jobs anddon’t have anything to do that arealways f***ing BUSY. Like what are

you DOING?!

MAMIE-CLAIRE

We started a community farm. We

have goats.

NICOLETTE:

(wandering in)

Goats are more sustainable.

They’re smaller.

Tony behind her.

BROOKE:

Than what?

TONY:

Cows.

PREGNANT WOMAN #2

(pokes her head into thekitchen)

Um, Mamie-Claire?

MAMIE-CLAIRE

Excuse me, I have to see my guestsout.

Tony and Nicolette follow Mamie-Claire to the kitchen door:

TONY:

I want to say goodbye to Karen.

NICOLETTE:

Do you have a crush on Karen now?

TONY:

She’s seven months pregnant!

NICOLETTE:

Why do you know that?

LIVING ROOM:

Nicolette and Tony are looking at a chess set. Pregnantwomen are leaving. Mamie-Claire is seeing her guests out.

61.

TONY:

(to Mamie-Claire)

Mamie-Claire, can me and Nicoletteplay with your chess set?

MAMIE-CLAIRE

(confused by who he evenis)

Yes.

A pregnant woman sits by the door with her bag in her lap.

TONY:

Everything OK, Karen?

KAREN:

Yes, I’m just waiting for myhusband. He’s late to pick me up.

TONY:

You want to play chess with us?

NICOLETTE:

(to Tony, wanting

attention)

You have to teach me.

KAREN:

No, he’ll be here any minute.

She checks her phone. Clearly nothing.

KITCHEN:

Mamie-Claire comes back into the kitchen cleaning up.

BROOKE:

Sorry, I got started on the wrongfoot there - I meant to say, I’vebeen missing you as a friend and...

MAMIE-CLAIRE

And?

TRACY:

She has a very exciting businessopportunity for you.

BROOKE:

And I wanted to bring it to you andDylan as a peace offering.

I really think you’re going to wantto hear about this...

62.

MAMIE-CLAIRE

The last time I saw you you werehiding in the bushes and then youstarted incoherently yelling at meand my husband about how we hadruined your life and the timebefore that you were throwing up atmy wedding.

BROOKE:

Which is why I am bringing you thisexciting business opportunity!

Mamie-Claire goes into the dining room. Tracy nods at her,

like “keep going!” They follow Mamie-Claire.

BROOKE:

I would like to offer you a sharein a restaurant I’m starting.

MAMIE-CLAIRE

Why?

BROOKE:

Because it is all set up and readyto go and I already have theability to draw a crowd and it’lljust be... perfect. You’ll love

it. So will Dylan.

TRACY:

There are lots of other investors.

BROOKE:

But not so many that it woulddilute your investment.

MAMIE-CLAIRE

So why are you here?

BROOKE:

Well, there was a slight snafu withone of our people which allowed avery coveted spot to open up, whichI am offering only to you guys...

Mamie-Claire considers.

MAMIE-CLAIRE

It’s not really a good time for meto get involved with a business...

BROOKE:

Why?

63.

MAMIE-CLAIRE

We’re trying to have a baby...

KAREN:

You’ll never regret it.

MAMIE-CLAIRE

Thanks, Karen.

BROOKE:

It’s just money, you don’t have todo any of the work, you just getthe glory and the profit and thesatisfaction of being involved withsomething awesome.

MAMIE-CLAIRE

I don’t think Dylan would buy intoit. We recently lost moneypurchasing taxi cab medallions.

BROOKE:

I don’t want to overstep my boundshere but I think you might be wrong

-when is he coming back?

MAMIE-CLAIRE

I really need to focus on havingchildren - this isn’t part of whatI need to focus on. No, just...

Can I just say no?

Brooke gets furious.

BROOKE:

No, you cannot “just say no.” Whynot?

MAMIE-CLAIRE

I don’t need a why.

BROOKE:

The money means NOTHING to you!

Look at all this sh*t, this housethat patio furniture. You can

spare it, you wouldn’t even missit!

TRACY:

And it really would make a profit!

MAMIE-CLAIRE

No. You can’t make me.

64.

BROOKE:

Yes, I can because you OWE me.

TRACY:

(trying to stop her)

Um, Brooke...

MAMIE-CLAIRE

(evenly)

I don’t owe you.

BROOKE:

For Dylan because that was justskanky but really for the T-shirts -

you stole my T-shirt idea and youknow it.

MAMIE-CLAIRE

I did not steal your idea. It was

my idea and you were there when Ihad it.

BROOKE:

No! That’s so wrong - I rememberlike the minute I said “what if

this flower was, like, TOUGH.” And

then we started riffing but I SAIDIT FIRST.

MAMIE-CLAIRE

(calmly)

No, you didn’t.

Brooke screams.

BROOKE:

You are so annoying when you getcalm voice!

Brooke storms off into the backyard. Stops short when shesees two cats.

BROOKE:

Are these my f***ing cats?!

MAMIE-CLAIRE

They’re mine. I paid for their catsurgery so they’re mine.

BROOKE:

Did my cats die and you didn’t tellme? Are these replacement cats?

65.

MAMIE-CLAIRE

No! They are the same goddamn

cats!

Brooke stares at the cats hard and then stomps outside.

Tracy wants to go after her but follows Mamie-Claire into theliving room.

Tony and Nicolette play chess. The pregnant woman still sitsby the door checking her phone periodically. Tony thinkshard before a move. He moves his rook-

KAREN:

If you do that, your knight is

vulnerable.

TONY:

What? Oh...thanks.

NICOLETTE:

You took your finger off it, youmade the move.

Mamie-Claire enters. Tracy behind her.

TONY:

“I took my finger off it?” Who am

I playing here Deep Blue?

He looks at Karen for a laugh. Doesn’t get it.

MAMIE-CLAIRE

Karen, come inside, have a glass ofwine.

KAREN:

Oh, no, I’m fine. He’ll be here.

TRACY:

(indignant to Mamie-

Claire)

So you deny it? That you profitedfrom her idea that you stole?

MAMIE-CLAIRE

No, I don’t deny it. She’s right.

The T-shirts were her idea.

TRACY:

Then why did you just say that?!

MAMIE-CLAIRE

I like making her mad. It’s so

easy.

66.

TRACY:

You took her idea. That’s not

just, Mamie-Claire.

MAMIE-CLAIRE

No, I tried to include her. I set

up a meeting with people and shenever showed up. And then she

stopped speaking to me when me andDylan got married so I figured Icould just go do it.

TRACY:

So it’s her fault.

MAMIE-CLAIRE

No... She is right that I stole alot of her life ideas. I really amnot as creative as she is. But she

never would have used them. She

has no follow through.

TRACY:

So it’s... no one’s fault.

MAMIE-CLAIRE

Obviously. That’s always true.

TRACY:

You know the restaurant is going tobe really great. She’s followingthrough with that. If she’s

allowed to.

Tracy leaves to go find Brooke. At the chess table:

NICOLETTE:

Check.

TONY:

Wait, what? No it isn’t.

NICOLETTE:

(smiling)

Check.

Tony stands, pretends he’s being rational.

TONY:

I don’t want to play anymore.

NICOLETTE:

Oh come on!

67.

TONY:

I don’t feel like playing right

now.

NICOLETTE:

You can’t quit right before I’mgoing to win-

TONY:

I’m just not in the mood. Peoplecan be not in the mood.

Mamie-Claire stares at them.

MAMIE-CLAIRE

I couldn’t be your mother, thank

god.

TONY:

What are you, thirty?

eighteen. You could.

olds can have kids.

We’re

Twelve year

MAMIE-CLAIRE

F*** you.

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