MoDeRn WaRfArE 2 Page #3

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Whatever. This game constantly switches protagonists so there’s really no point in forming an emotional bond.

MELANCHOLY VIOLIN MUSIC swells as ROACH is burned alive in a very DRAMATIC WAY.

EXT. AIRCRAFT BONEYARD – DAY

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH and CAPTAIN PRICE need to regroup after being separated.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Shepherd betrayed us!

CAPTAIN PRICE:

Have to trust someone to be betrayed. I never did.

(Beat)

Nikolai, I trust you completely. Pick a vehicle from your apparently vast inventory and come save us. Preferably one we can drive a jeep into. I'm also going to trust the man we’ve been made to hate and enlist his help. Hello, Makarov?

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Huh, I thought I wasn’t in the game anymore.

CAPTAIN PRICE:

You’ve been bumped for a new villain. If you tell us where he is, we’ll kill him for you.

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Shepherd is hiding out in a cave in Afghanistan. I'll see you in hell, Price.

CAPTAIN PRICE:

Really? That's the cliché you want to leave us off with? “I’ll see you in hell?"

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

All my best lines were used in the trailers.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH gets into a JEEP and is then forced to steer it when the DRIVER is SHOT and RAGDOLLS onto the ACCELERATOR. After getting into a DEMOLITION DERBY, he and CAPTAIN PRICE escape.

EXT. CAVE SYSTEM - DAY

CAPTAIN PRICE and CAPTAIN MACTAVISH are on a SUICIDE MISSION to kill GENERAL SHEPHERD for being a SELFISH DOUCHEBAG.

CAPTAIN PRICE:

Soap, do exactly as I say.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Just like old times.

They infiltrate a cave and OWN THE SNOT out of an entire company of soldiers. GENERAL SHEPHERD locks himself inside the CONTROL ROOM.

CAPTAIN PRICE:

Soap, place a slow motion charge on the door.

They BREACH the room and use the power of SLOW MOTION to get the drop on the soldiers inside.

CAPTAIN PRICE:

Hack the door panel, Soap! We need to get out of here!

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

I don't know how to hack computers.

CAPTAIN PRICE:

Just press the Use key.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Oh hey, that did it.

They run after GENERAL SHEPHERD, who demonstrates more of his DICKISHNESS by BOMBING HIS OWN MEN. He then escapes on a ZODIAC. CAPTAIN PRICE and CAPTAIN MACTAVISH give chase in another ZODIAC which was conveniently left for them. GENERAL SHEPHERD then drives straight into the back of a HELICOPTER. PLAUSIBILITY misses the hatch and goes over A WATERFALL.

CAPTAIN PRICE:

Hold the Zodiac steady!

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Right, you've been accurately shooting people in the head when we were constantly swerving at 100mph, but now that you've got to hit a giant helicopter, you'd like me to steady the boat.

Instead of flying off immediately, the HELICOPTER chooses to politely hover right in front of CAPTAIN PRICE’s gun barrel. He manages to shoot it down with A SINGLE BULLET because he is AWESOME. Then their own ZODIAC goes over the WATERFALL as well.

EXT. OIL YARD - DAY

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH recovers from the fall and stumbles after GENERAL SHEPHERD.

GENERAL SHEPHERD

You know what they say about revenge. You better be ready to dig two graves.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Thanks for blatantly stating the point which all the events leading up to this point have been making in a contrived and crass manner.

GENERAL SHEPHERD

Even though I am an old man and you just effortlessly wiped out my entire company, I’m now going to best you in hand-to-hand combat.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

I guess I'm only a badass when I'm an NPC.

GENERAL SHEPHERD

Maybe it's the fact that you're horribly injured from going over the waterfall?

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

So? You were in a goddamn helicopter crash! Don't those two sort of cancel each other out?

GENERAL SHEPHERD

Just shut up and get closer already so I can stab you.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH is indeed STABBED.

GENERAL SHEPHERD

There we go. Now just lie there and allow me to elaborate on my motivations whilst I prepare to kill you.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Don't bother. I've already been beaten over the head by the dangers of blind patriotism through all those death quotes.

CAPTAIN PRICE intervenes but is EQUALLY PUMMELLED by GENERAL SHEPHERD.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Captain Price! I am powerless to help you!

CAPTAIN PRICE:

Remember -- what I taught you -- about hacking!

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH repeatedly mashes the USE KEY and hacks his way into GENERAL SHEPHERD'S LEFT EYE SOCKET.

GENERAL SHEPHERD

OMG HAX!

(Dies)

The game ENDS, but then DOESN'T. NIKOLAI, who had a spare HELICOPTER flying around, comes and saves CAPTAIN PRICE and CAPTAIN MACTAVISH so they can feature in the NEXT GAME.

DEVELOPER INFINITY WARD

Damn right. This game has beaten all sales records. We've now proven we could make Modern Warfare 3: Kitten Stomper and it would still sell.

GAMERS around the world continue NOT CARING and play some MULTIPLAYER.

THE END:

FADE IN:

EXT. AFGHANISTAN - DAY

For no other reason than to be somewhat topical and relevant, we start in AFGHANISTAN with an obligatory TRAINING SECTION. DEVELOPER INFINITY WARD throws a DART at a LIST OF PLAYER CHARACTERS and it lands on PRIVATE ALLEN.

PRIVATE ALLEN:

We’re now actually naming the Middle-Eastern country we’re in? Whew, I don’t have to worry about dying from a nuclear blast.

SERGEANT FOLEY:

Private Allen, show these indigenous soldiers the superiority of the American way by aiming down your sights.

PRIVATE ALLEN:

What if I don't want to?

SERGEANT FOLEY:

Nothing is going to happen until you do as you're told.

PRIVATE ALLEN:

Ah, good to see we're still adhering to the strict level of trigger-based linearity the Call of Duty series has come to be known for.

SERGEANT FOLEY:

(Chuckles)

Oh, you just wait.

PRIVATE ALLEN:

What's that supposed to mean?

SERGEANT FOLEY:

Nothing. Mount up!

SERGEANT FOLEY leads his squad into an AFGHAN CITY to kill MILITANTS until they die from it. PRIVATE ALLEN excels in blindly following orders and takes the notice of GENERAL SHEPHERD.

GENERAL SHEPHERD

Private Allen, I am recruiting you into Task Force 141. Your job will be to go undercover and infiltrate an extremely dangerous terrorist group led by one Vladimir Makarov. You will earn his trust and work alongside him while gathering intelligence.

PRIVATE ALLEN:

Uhm, please be kidding. I'm a grunt. My only method of communication is through a gun. Such undercover operations are carried out by highly trained professionals who have the endurance and psychological faculty to project and maintain a secondary identity. I don't even speak any Russian.

GENERAL SHEPHERD

Oh, don't worry. You don't need to speak at all for this sort of thing. But you apparently do need a giant tattoo across your chest.

Meanwhile...

EXT. KAZAKHSTAN MOUNTAIN RANGE - DAY

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH and GARY “ROACH” SANDERSON are perched over a steep-as-f*** DROP on a narrow-as-f*** LEDGE made entirely out of slippery-as-f*** ICE.

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