MoDeRn WaRfArE 3: kItTy StOmPeRs

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CAPTAIN MACTAVISH, who is MORTALLY WOUNDED, is being taken to a SAFEHOUSE by CAPTAIN PRICE.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

What took you guys so long to get me here?

CAPTAIN PRICE:

We had to wait for the intro logos to get through all the development studios that contributed to this game. Took f***ing ages.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Right, I pity anyone who's planning to wait past the credits.

CAPTAIN PRICE:

And after that, we were asked like five times whether we wanted to skip any disturbing content.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

And do you?

CAPTAIN PRICE:

Hell no! So there shouldn't be any qualms about stabbing your gaping chest wound with an adrenaline syringe.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH briefly passes out and sees a FLASHBACK of him throwing a KNIFE into GENERAL SHEPHERD'S EYE SOCKET. The FLASHBACK then quickly REVERSES so it looks like SHEPHERD CATCHES the KNIFE with his EYELIDS and THROWS IT BACK. F***ING BADASS.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

I'm still too weak to fight. You'll have to introduce a new player character to serve as a third-person viewpoint on me.

YURI:

I believe I can be of assistance!

VLADIMIR MAKAROV'S MEN then attack the SAFEHOUSE. YURI helps CAPTAIN PRICE and CAPTAIN MACTAVISH escape.

EXT. WALL STREET - NEW YORK

The RUSSIAN ARMY has invaded MANHATTAN for some reason and made it look exactly like a scene from TRANSFORMERS, except without the TRANSFORMERS. DELTA FORCE OPERATIVE "SANDMAN" is bossing around DEREK "FROST" WESTBROOK.

SANDMAN:

The Russians have installed a radio jammer on top of the Stock Exchange! This must be a commentary on the current economical crisis, but I'm not sure how!

FROST:

Whoa, we're dropping straight into the action? Don't I first need to be taught the gameplay mechanics in a contrived training session?

SANDMAN:

If you haven't gotten down the basics of "press button, guys die" by now, then what are you even doing here?

SANDMAN and FROST fight their way to the TOP of the STOCK EXCHANGE.

SANDMAN:

There's the radio jammer. Plant some thermite on it, Frost.

FROST:

Thermite? We better keep our distance then.

SANDMAN:

Relax. The guys behind Dead Space helped out with this game's development. That means you can stand as close to thermite as you want when it goes off.

FROST destroys the JAMMER and climbs aboard a HELICOPTER.

SANDMAN:

Man the minigun, Frost! We've got multiple enemy rotorwings in pursuit!

FROST:

What the f*** are rotorwings? Oh, you mean helicopters.

FROST fights off the ENEMY HELICOPTERS.

SANDMAN:

Now we need to go to a place and do a thing and kill lots of dudes on the way there.

FROST:

Yes, that's what we always do. You need to dress it up in incomprehensible military lingo.

SANDMAN:

Oh right.

(beat)

Ivan's got a Oscar-II sub in our AO. OPCON needs us to link up with the SEALs and infil. Phase line echo secure.

FROST:

I'm on it! I think.

And while that's happening...

INT. PRESIDENTIAL PLANE - RUSSIAN AIRSPACE

RUSSIAN PRESIDENT VORSHEVSKY is meeting with his CABINET to discuss a PEACE TREATY.

PRESIDENT VORSHEVSKY

We must foster peace if we are to survive --

(beat)

I'm sorry, why is this man constantly jumping around and circling the table?

ANDREI HARKOV:

Oh, I'm a player character. I do that.

Suddenly, GUNFIRE is heard.

PRESIDENT VORSHEVSKY

Gunshots! Is this a reverse Air Force One? Have the Americans come for me?

ANDREI HARKOV:

No, it appears Makarov has somehow stowed a small army aboard this plane. He's trying to kidnap you.

As HARKOV fights off the HIJACKERS, the PLANE starts to STALL OUT, which causes momentary WEIGHTLESSNESS.

ANDREI HARKOV:

Fighting bad guys in zero-g? I wonder what the inception of that idea was!

After the PLANE CRASHES, MAKAROV appears. He KILLS HARKOV and takes PRESIDENT VORSHEVSKY HOSTAGE.

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Good thing I planned for that plane crash to not horribly kill you! I want the nuclear launch codes!

PRESIDENT VORSHEVSKY

Why are you even bothering with this? When Zakhaev wanted access to our nuclear arsenal, he simply took control of a missile silo. Hell, Captain Price even managed to launch one of our nukes by taking over a nuclear submarine all by himself! And you seem to have an entire f***ing army at your disposal.

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Half of which I just managed to put on your plane.

(beat)

All the things you just said? Yeah, you really need to start reviewing your government's security policies.

EXT. VILLAGE - SIERRA LEONE

After tracking down a LEAD or whatever, CAPTAIN PRICE, CAPTAIN MACTAVISH and YURI arrive in SIERRA LEONE, where some GENOCIDE is going on for the F*** of it.

CAPTAIN PRICE:

Makarov's got a shipment coming through here. We need to intercept it.

YURI:

But this is only the fourth mission in the game. Am I then correct in assuming that it's not a question of actually intercepting the shipment, but more the measure by which we don't?

CAPTAIN PRICE:

Pretty much. Let's almost get to it!

YURI:

Ah f*** off.

They manage to miss the SHIPMENT by about TWO SECONDS because of a f***ing HYENA. SERIOUSLY.

YURI:

So close.

CAPTAIN PRICE:

That's my line, f***er.

YURI:

F*** your mother.

CAPTAIN PRICE:

I will!

EXT. CANARY WHARF - LONDON

An SAS TEAM has traced the SHIPMENT to LONDON.

SERGEANT BURNS:

I'm another new f***ing player character? How many is that now? Is anybody keeping track?

SERGEANT WALLCROFT

Keep your eyes peeled. We need to stop the truck that's carrying the shipment.

SERGEANT BURNS:

Hey, you're being voiced by the same guy who did both Gaz and Ghost. And they both died in the previous games.

SERGEANT WALLCROFT

What can I say? The developers must love that guy or get him really cheap.

GAZ:

Bloody wankers, You thought I died?

SERGEANT WALLCROFT

What kind of name is Gaz anyway? Where the f*** are you anyway?

GAZ:

In your mother.

The SAS troops engage a group of TERRORISTS, who ESCAPE onto a LONDON UNDERGROUND TRAIN.

SERGEANT WALLCROFT

Come on, after them!

SERGEANT BURNS:

Weren't we looking out for a truck?

SERGEANT WALLCROFT

Yes, but we'll get to that! We're shamelessly referencing the 2005 London bombings if it kills us!

This does in fact KILL ALMOST ALL OF THE SAS TROOPS. SERGEANT WALLCROFT and SERGEANT BURNS then find the TRUCK because we can't kill off our main characters yet.

SERGEANT WALLCROFT

It's empty! This truck was a decoy!

SERGEANT BURNS:

And the plot thins!

SERGEANT WALLCROFT

That's Gaz's line.

EXT. BIG BEN - LONDON

The VIEWPOINT shifts to an AMERICAN FAMILY on VACATION in LONDON.

FATHER:

Yes, I decided that World War 3 is the perfect time to take my wife and child on a vacation. Hey honey, why don't you skip around all innocently?

DAUGHTER:

F*** you, dad. I'm a child in a videogame. That can only mean that I'm going to be horribly killed to infuse the story with drama.

FATHER:

Seriously, how much more drama do we need? There's a senseless war being fought as we speak. Your death would only serve to underline the obvious.

The ACTUAL TRUCK drives up and BLOWS THE F*** UP, killing the entire FAMILY.

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