MoDeRn WaRfArE 3: kItTy StOmPeRs Page #2

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VLADIMIR MAKAROV

TERRORISM! I LOVE DEATH!

EXT. SUBURB - HAMBURG

SANDMAN and FROST are headed for HAMBURG.

SANDMAN:

Russian forces have captured the Vice President, who was in Hamburg for the peace summit.

FROST:

Great, one of the most vital motherfucking treaties in history and the United States doesn't consider it worthy of the actual President.

SANDMAN:

To be fair, this whole treaty is basically one big joke. The Russian army is attacking our delegation. Who do you think they're taking orders from?

FROST:

The developers and writers, Paul Haggis can go suck my dick.

They land on a BEACH and engage the RUSSIAN FORCES.

FROST:

So here's us Americans storming a beachhead under heavy automatic fire to stop a superpower from attempting to annex Europe. Are you sure this is World War 3? It feels more like World War 2.1.

SANDMAN:

I dunno, I'm just a f***er named after that villain in that Spider-Man movie with the black guy.

FROST:

Which one?

SANDMAN:

I dunno.

FROST:

I liked TASM2.

SANDMAN:

What the f*** is TASM2?

Eventually, they RESCUE the VICE PRESIDENT.

SANDMAN:

Now we just need to wait for extraction.

FROST:

I hope we don't have to use any sort of vehicle. If it's got seats and a steering wheel, it's going to be blown up.

FIVE EXTRACTION VEHICLES are BLOWN UP, so they escape aboard the SIXTH.

EXT. EIFFEL TOWER - PARIS

Through the INTERROGATION of a SOMALI WARLORD, which we WON'T GET INTO, CAPTAIN PRICE learns that one of MAKAROV'S ALLIES, VOLK, is in PARIS. SANDMAN and FROST go after him.

SANDMAN:

There he is! He's getting in a car!

FROST:

We need him alive, right?

SANDMAN:

Right! So you blindly shoot at the car and I'll violently drive it off the road! That should make absolutely sure Volk survives!

All of that HAPPENS.

SANDMAN:

Great, now we just have to get him out of here. The extraction point is right next to the Eiffel Tower.

They escort VOLK to the EIFFEL TOWER, which COLLAPSES from an AERIAL BOMBARDMENT.

FROST:

Oh no! What will movies use now to indicate that Paris is Paris?

SANDMAN:

So it's come this far. We've finally reached the point where we need to rip off Team America: World Police.

CAPTAIN PRICE learns from VOLK that MAKAROV has arranged a MEETING in a HOTEL in PRAGUE.

EXT. HOTEL LUSTIG - PRAGUE

After eliminating MAKAROV'S FORCES in the area, CAPTAIN MACTAVISH and YURI set up position inside a CHURCH TOWER overlooking the HOTEL.

YURI:

You know, we just triggered an entire street war only to set up this vantage point. I'm sure that's going to raise Makarov's suspicions.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Feh, I'm sure it's fine.

YURI:

Also, Makarov must know that we captured Volk, so he's probably aware that this meeting has been compromised.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Look, there's Makarov now. See? You worry too much.

YURI:

Yeah, the fact that he's showing up at all should set off even more alarm bells.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Would you stop with all the negativity?

As CAPTAIN PRICE moves in for the KILL, MAKAROV sets off the obvious TRAP. CAPTAIN MACTAVISH is SEVERELY WOUNDED.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

It was a trap! How did he know?

CAPTAIN PRICE:

Soap, we've got to get you out of here! You've already lost three grown men's worth of blood!

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

It's too late, Price. This series is just too dead set on illustrating that anyone can die. I just wish my dying words could be something epic and not simply a random plot point. So yeah, Makarov knows Yuri and everything.

(dies oh no)

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

What did Soap mean when he said Makarov knows you?

A series of FLASHBACKS retroactively shows YURI hanging out with MAKAROV during some of the PREVIOUS GAMES' KEY SCENES.

CAPTAIN PRICE:

And what was the point of that? It's not casting any doubts on your allegiance, so it doesn't change your present character in the slightest.

YURI:

I think it's me being a third-person viewpoint on Makarov now that Soap no longer needs one.

CAPTAIN PRICE:

But none of that gets us a step closer to actually finding Makarov. Unless some unrelated clue were to suddenly pop up, but that would really render all this poignant drama moot.

SANDMAN:

Hey guys, we used unrelated clues to learn that Makarov has President Vorshevsky at a diamond mine in Siberia!

CAPTAIN PRICE:

Let's all team up and go get him!

EXT. DIAMOND MINE - SIBERIA

CAPTAIN PRICE, YURI and SANDMAN launch an ASSAULT on the DIAMOND MINE. Since that apparently ISN'T AWESOME ENOUGH ON ITS OWN, the COURTYARD also features A BAGGER 288.

SANDMAN:

They're keeping President Vorshevsky behind this reinforced door! We can't get in!

CAPTAIN PRICE:

I know, we'll punch a hole in the ceiling!

SANDMAN:

Genius!

CAPTAIN PRICE:

We'll stand right next to the explosives as they detonate and ride the concrete down!

SANDMAN:

Wait, what if we're right on top of the President when we --

CAPTAIN PRICE:

And then we'll shoot the President's captors with perfect head shots before we even hit the ground!

SANDMAN:

Dude, what?

This HAPPENS. Then the MINE starts to COLLAPSE.

SANDMAN:

Go! Get to the rotorwing!

CAPTAIN PRICE:

The what?

SANDMAN:

The chopper! Get to the chopper! I'll valiantly stay behind and cover your escape!

CAPTAIN PRICE:

Why? The chopper's right here. It's maybe ten yards. It just seems further away because we're in dramatic slow motion.

SANDMAN:

YOU HAVE TO GOOOOO!

The MINE COLLAPSES as CAPTAIN PRICE and YURI escape with PRESIDENT VORSHEVSKY.

EXT. HOTEL - ARABIAN PENINSULA

The WAR has come to an END. CAPTAIN PRICE decides to give MAKAROV a PHONE CALL.

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Wait, how in the living f*** are you just casually giving me a call right now?

CAPTAIN PRICE:

Hah, who's the idiot who kept his number listed all this time?

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Who's the idiot who never found it until now? Who's the idiot who spent two games stringing together a long list of dubious and risky leads to track me down?

CAPTAIN PRICE:

I AM GOING TO KILL YOU IN THE FACE!

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Assuming that means you know where I am, I think I'll only try to escape once you get here.

CAPTAIN PRICE:

Much obliged.

CAPTAIN PRICE and YURI don some JUGGERNAUT ARMOUR and attack the HOTEL.

CAPTAIN PRICE:

The irony here is that even without this Juggernaut armour, we'd still be able to handle this kind of opposition!

YURI:

You think that's funny? Why do these games try to take themselves so goddamn seriously by including a single controversial scene of horrific hopelessness when that scene is consistently bookended by the same over-the-top action that typifies the Army Of Two antics that we're now reenacting?

CAPTAIN PRICE:

Look, people buy these games for the same reason the Transformers movies keep drawing crowds. It's overblown and unadulterated action that doesn't advance the medium in any way, because it's been repeatedly proven that it doesn't need to. So let's just accept the fact that we're not soldiers. We're action heroes.

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

That means you're not going to kill me with a swift and clean shot to the head, are you?

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