Monkey Business

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[Fast-paced lively instrumental music]

[Fast-paced lively

instrumental music continues]

- What is it?

- Sorry to have to report...

there are four stowaways

in the forward hatch.

Stowaways? How do you know

there are four of them?

They were singing Sweet Adeline.

Get them out of there, you hear?

But we can't find them.

And besides,

they've been writing insulting notes.

So, I'm an old goat, am I? Listen to me.

Find them if you have

to clear out that whole hatch!

Yes, sir.

- Captain, when do we get in?

- Wednesday!

- I beg your pardon. Wednesday.

- Thank you.

GROUCHO:
[Singing] In all my dreams

STOWAWAYS:
[Singing] In all my dreams

GROUCHO:
Your fair face beams

STOWAWAYS:
Your fair face beams

ALL:
You're the idol

of my heart

Sweet Adeline

My Adeline

This is the only way to travel, boys.

The only way.

I was gonna bring the wife and kiddies...

but the grocer couldn't spare another barrel.

I was gonna bring my grandfather,

but there's no room for his beard.

Why not send for the old swine,

let his beard come later?

- I sent for his beard.

- You did?

It's coming by "hair" mail.

Fellas, I think I hear someone.

If it's the captain,

I'm gonna have a few words with him.

My hot water's been cold for three days

and I haven't got room to swing a cat.

In fact, I haven't even got a cat.

- My grandfather can swing a cat.

- He can?

That'd make a good job for him.

GIBSON:
Come on, men.

Someone's coming.

Come on, men. Snap it up.

Listen, fellas.

We've got to find those stowaways.

- And when we do, we'll put them in irons.

- Aye, aye, sir.

Take a look in behind those cases.

You fellows, look behind those boxes.

- Never mind the barrels.

- Aye, aye, sir.

- What's that?

- I just said "aye, aye, sir."

- Never mind that. Find those men.

- Aye, aye, sir.

[Lids rattle]

[Horn tooting]

- They're not here, sir.

- Oh, yes, they are.

Hoist all this stuff up on deck.

- And get these barrels out of the way.

- Very well, sir.

Lower away up there.

Hurry up with that sling.

- You'll never find them standing around.

- Yes, sir.

You look in back of those bales.

OFFICER:
You look in those boxes.

SAILOR:
Yes, sir.

All right, boys.

Make it snappy up there!

GIBSON:
Hey!

There they are!

CHICO:
Hurry.

[Footsteps pattering]

[Horn tooting]

[Crowd chattering]

[Playing lively music]

[Crowd applauds]

You fellas, go aft.

You fellas, take a look

in behind those lifeboats.

[Woman exclaims in shock]

[Crowd chattering indistinctly]

WOMAN:
Captain,

tell us about the stowaways.

I'll have them in the brig before long.

That's terribly romantic.

I'd love to meet a stowaway.

CAPTAIN:
Hey, you.

Are these your gloves?

I found them in your trunk.

- Go to your rooms. I'll be down shortly.

- Who are you?

Are you the floorwalker?

I want to register a complaint.

- What's the matter?

- Matter enough.

You know who sneaked into my stateroom

at 3:
00 a.m.?

- Who did that?

- Nobody, and that's my complaint.

I'm young.

I want gaiety, laughter, ha-cha-cha.

I wanna dance.

[Singing] I wanna dance

till the cows come home

Just what do you mean by this?

I don't like the way you're running this boat.

Get in the backseat and let your wife drive.

CAPTAIN:
I've been captain

of this ship for 22 years.

Twenty-two years?

If you were a man,

you'd go in business for yourself.

I know a fellow,

started last year with a canoe.

He has more women than you can

shake a stick at, if you enjoy that.

One more word, and I'll throw you in irons.

You can't do it with irons.

It's a mashie shot.

It's a mashie shot if the wind is against you.

If the wind isn't, I am.

How about those barrels down below?

GROUCHO:
I wouldn't put a pig in there.

CAPTAIN:
See here, you...

Not even if you got down on your knees.

And here's your gloves.

You would take them, wouldn't you?

And keep away from my office.

CAPTAIN:
Now, see here, you!

How dare you invade

the sanctity of the captain's quarters?

I thought you was the captain. I'm hungry.

I'm gonna find something to eat.

I'll take care of that. Hello.

- Send up the captain's lunch.

- Two.

Send up his dinner, too. Who am I?

I'm the captain.

You want to choose up sides?

Engineer, will you tell them

to stop the boat from rocking?

I'm gonna have lunch.

- What's the matter with you?

- What's the matter with me? I'm hungry.

- I didn't eat in three days.

- Three days?

- We've only been on the boat two days.

- I didn't eat yesterday...

I didn't eat today, and I won't eat tomorrow.

That makes three days.

State your business.

I've got to shiver my timbers.

I got no business.

I come up to see the captain's bridge.

Captain's bridge? I'm sorry.

He always keeps it in a glass...

while he's eating.

Would you like to see where he sleeps?

I saw that. That's the bunk.

You're wasting your breath,

and that's no great loss.

A fine sailor you are.

You bet I'm a fine sailor.

You know, my whole family was sailors?

My father was partners with Columbus.

What do you think of that?

- Your father and Columbus were partners?

- You bet.

Columbus has been dead 400 years.

They told me it was my father.

Hop up there, and I'll show you

a few things you don't know about history.

Now look. There's Columbus.

That's Columbus Circle.

Would you mind getting up off that flypaper

and giving the flies a chance?

You're crazy. Flies can't read papers.

Now, Columbus sailed from Spain to India

looking for a shortcut.

You mean strawberry shortcut.

I don't know.

When I woke up,

there was the nurse taking care of me.

What's the matter?

Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?

You bet she could,

but I found it out too late. Enough of this.

Let's get back to Columbus.

- I'd rather get back to the nurse.

- So would I.

But Columbus was sailing along

on his vessel.

- On his what?

- Not on his what. On his vessel.

- Don't you know what "vessel" is?

- Sure. I can vessel.

[Chico whistling lively tune]

Do you suppose I could buy back

my introduction to you?

Now, one night Columbus' sailors

started a mutiny.

No mutinies at night.

They're in the afternoon.

You know, mutinies Wednesdays

and Saturdays.

There's my argument. Restrict immigration.

[Gibson talking indistinctly]

All right.

Of all the colossal impudence!

Why don't you stand up?

Can't you see he has no chair?

- Why, you...

- You better keep quiet.

We're a couple of big stockholders

in this company.

Stockholders?

You look like a couple of stowaways to me.

Don't forget that the stockholder

of yesteryear is the stowaway of today.

Well, you look exactly like them.

What do they look like?

One of them goes around

with a black moustache.

So do I. If I had my choice,

I'd go around with a little blonde.

I said one goes around

with a black moustache.

You couldn't expect a moustache

to go around by itself.

Don't you think a moustache

ever gets lonely, Captain?

CHICO:
Sure, it gets lonely.

When my grandfather's beard gets here,

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