Monkey Business Page #2

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I'd like it to meet your moustache.

I'll think it over.

I'll talk it over with my moustache.

Has your grandfather's beard

got any money?

- Money? Why, it fell hair to a fortune.

- Now, listen!

Stockholders or no stockholders,

you clear out of here!

[Knock on door]

CHICO:
There's someone in that room.

GROUCHO:
There's somebody in that closet,

and I think it's you, Captain.

- Now, we can eat in peace.

- All right. Here's a piece for you.

That a baby.

[Knock on door]

- Beg pardon, Captain.

- How dare you enter the captain's quarters...

- while I'm eating.

- Sorry, sir.

[Knocking on door]

[Groucho guffaws]

Now I've got you!

Don't forget the butter.

[Slow, romantic instrumental music]

You know, there's some

mighty pretty country around here.

- I've...

- I beg your pardon.

[Zeppo whistling softly]

- Pardon me. Is this yours?

- Why, no.

- You sure?

- I'm positive.

- Is this yours?

- Yes, it is.

As I was saying, there's some

mighty beautiful country around here.

- The trees are lovely.

- You bet they are. I love them.

[Puppets chattering]

[Children cheering]

Get out of my way!

[Children continue laughing and cheering]

[Harpo humming in distorted voice]

[Harpo screams]

Gibson. Come out of there.

Yes, sir.

I want to report I found a...

Gibson, you've been drinking again...

and you know what my orders were.

But those stowaways,

I just caught one of them in there.

- Stowaway, huh?

- Yes. There he is.

PUPPETEER:
[ln falsetto] Help! Look out!

You're choking me!

I thought so. Go to your quarters.

[Children laughing]

That's one now.

That's a dummy. Come with me.

[Children laughing]

First officer.

I'm telling you, that's him.

This has gone far enough.

Get up to your quarters.

[Captain screams]

Yes, sir.

[Children laughing]

Quiet.

I think you're right.

I know you're right.

[Puppeteer shouting indistinctly]

[Harpo whistling upbeat tune]

[Horn tooting]

[Children cheering]

Would you like anything before lunch?

Yes, breakfast.

Nobody eats in here.

I do.

Mustard's no good without roast beef.

Do you want your nails trimmed long?

About an hour and a half.

I got nothing to do.

You're a nice-looking gal, all right.

You got it.

Thank you.

And you can keep it.

[Girl screams]

That's a nice gal?

Somebody's coming.

Come on, boys.

You're next, Cap.

I'm looking for a couple of mugs.

- No, you boys look on B Deck.

- Aye, aye, sir.

How about a shave?

- Sure. Give me a once-over.

- Once-over, partner.

OFFICER:
No, a shave.

CHICO:
On the face. All right.

- Wake me up when you get through.

- We'll take care of you, all right.

We take the tonsils last.

I think we work on the moustache first.

Give him a little snoop.

CHICO:
This side's too long.

Give him a little snoop this side.

CHICO:
Now this side is too short.

CHICO:
It's too short. The other side is

too long. Snoop him up.

That's better, but the side

that was too short now is too long...

and the side that was too long is too short.

I think you got to give him one more snoop.

I think we better measure.

It's about a foot too much.

No, the measure's a foot too much.

Now it looks much better.

CHICO:
It can stand one more snoop

in the middle, I think.

In the middle, one snoop.

That's fine. That's very good.

I think it's a little bit rough right here.

I fix that.

You know, I'm never going

on this boat again. The food is no good.

Of course, I no eat yet, but even

if I don't eat, I like the food good.

One more snoop.

That's beautiful?

That's what you call a work of art.

Hey, you know, I think you give him

one snoop too much.

And I want you to know,

I'm fed up on your alibis.

Take it easy.

You're getting all excited.

Now where do you think you're going?

Never mind. I'm running this racket.

Just stay here and keep out of sight

like I told you.

No you don't.

Now, listen to me, Mr. Alky Briggs.

You can't keep me cooped up like this.

I've played second fiddle

on this ship long enough.

Now you listen. I'm not after any dames.

I'm after Joe Helton, I tell you, and

he can't get away from me on this boat.

He's got to put his okay on my gang,

or he's gonna get this.

Hey, who are you?

I'm the tailor.

That reminds me. Where are my pants?

You've got them on.

Pardon me while I step into the closet.

And get a load of this,

if you come in again at 3:00 a. m...

- Stop bothering me. Tell it to the tailor.

- Alky!

Alky!

LUCILLE:
What are you doing in there?

Nothing. Come on in.

LUCILLE:
You can't stay in that closet.

GROUCHO:
I can't, can I?

That's what they said

to Thomas Edison, mighty inventor...

Thomas Lindbergh, mighty flier,

and Thomas Shefsky, mighty like a rose.

Just remember that if there weren't

any closets, there wouldn't be any hooks...

and if there weren't any hooks, there'd be

no fish, and that would suit me fine.

LUCILLE:
Don't try to hide.

I know you're in that closet.

- Did you see me go in the closet?

- No.

- Am I in the closet now?

- No.

Then how do you know I was in the closet?

Your Honour, I rest my case.

Come here, brown eyes.

You're not gonna get me off this bed.

I didn't know you were a lawyer.

You're awfully shy for a lawyer.

You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer.

Then what do you think of an egg

that would give me...

You've been getting nothing

but dirty breaks.

We can clean and tighten your brakes...

but you'll have to stay

in the garage all night.

I want excitement. I want to ha-cha-cha-cha.

[Groucho playing upbeat music]

You don't realise it.

From the time he got the marriage license,

I've led a dog's life.

Are you sure he didn't get a dog's license?

Alky can't make a fool of me.

I want to go places. I want to do things.

I want freedom, I want liberty, I want justice!

[Groucho humming]

Madam, you're making history.

In fact, you're making me.

And I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

You know what I want.

I want life, I want laughter, I want gaiety.

I want to ha-cha-cha-cha.

[Groucho playing upbeat music]

Madam, before I get through with you,

you will have a clear case for divorce...

and so will my wife.

The first thing to do is

to arrange for a settlement.

You take the children,

your husband takes the house.

Junior burns the house,

you take the insurance and I take you.

LUCILLE:
But I haven't any children.

That's the trouble with this country.

You haven't any children.

And as for me, I'm going back in the closet

where men are empty overcoats.

LUCILLE:
Brown eyes.

[Groucho exclaims]

[Upbeat instrumental music]

Sir, this is an outrage,

breaking into a man's home.

There'll be a letter about this in

the Times tomorrow morning.

Yeah?

But you won't read it,

'cause I'm gonna lay you out pretty.

You're gonna lay me out pretty?

That's the thanks I get

for freeing an innocent girl...

who, although she is hiding

at the moment...

has promised to become

the mother of her children.

And with that, sir, I bid you a fond farewell.

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