Monkey Business Page #3

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Good day, sir.

Good day.

Come out of there. I want to talk to you.

I'm sorry, but we're using

the old-fashioned iceman...

and we find him very satisfactory

for keeping the house warm.

Just as I thought, you're yellow,

grabbing at a woman's skirts.

- I'm wise.

- You're wise?

What's the capital of Nebraska?

What's the capital

of the Chase National Bank? Give up?

Now, I'll try you on an easy one.

How many Frenchmen can't be wrong?

- I know...

- You were warm and so was she.

Don't be discouraged.

With a little study you'll go a long way.

- And I'd wish you'd start now.

- Do you see this gat?

Cute, isn't it? Santa Claus bring it

for Christmas? I got a fire engine.

Listen, mug. Do you know who I am?

Don't tell me.

Are you animal or vegetable? Animal.

- Get this. I'm Alky Briggs.

- And I'm the fellow who talks so much.

Fancy meeting you here

after all these drinks.

- Wait a minute.

- Sorry, I can't stay.

The captain's waiting to chase me.

You can stay, all right,

until I finish with you.

Alky, darling, please!

Don't "darling" me.

Get in that next room and stay there!

Get in that next room.

I'm not good enough for her, am I?

Is there anything you've got to say

before I drill you?

- Yes, I'd like to ask you one question.

- Go ahead.

Do you think that girls think less of a boy

if he lets himself be kissed?

Don't you think that although

girls go out with boys like me...

they always marry the other kind?

If you're gonna kill me, hurry up.

I have to take my tonic at 2:00.

I can use a guy with your nerve.

I think we could get along well together.

Of course, the first year we might have

our little squabbles.

But, then, that's inevitable, don't you think?

And what do you want here?

I was just looking for him.

Do you know this guy?

I've known him for years.

He used to live in the next barrel to me.

I see. The stowaways.

I can help you bozos.

- Mr. Bozos to you.

- All right, Mr. Bozo. And you can help me.

I'm shorthanded,

and I want to get a guy on this boat.

It's too late to get him on now.

Should've said so before we sailed.

Listen. This is a map of B Deck.

There's Joe Helton's stateroom.

And he's a tough egg.

And you're coming with me...

while I have it out with Joe.

Do you know who Joe Helton is?

I think I'll get off this boat

until this blows over.

If you know what's good for you,

you'll stick with me.

You keep the windows covered

while I go in. Now, move!

[Children chattering]

[Horn tooting]

[Harpo whistling]

[Frog croaking]

[Harpo whistling a soft tune]

What is the idea of this?

It's all right. I make a move for you.

MAN 1:
This is an outrage!

MAN 2:
I'll call the captain!

- The captain don't play chess.

- Purser!

- Steward! Come here.

- Too much noise here for us.

We better go someplace where it's quiet.

[Knock on door]

Come in.

BELLBOY:
Your cigars, sir.

JOE:
Thanks.

Wait a minute.

Thank you, sir.

Dad, now look at you.

You aren't even dressed yet.

You can do all the dressing

for the family, Mary.

Old Joe Helton is taking things easy

for the rest of his life.

We're big shots now, baby.

[Knock on door]

Come in.

- Hello, Joe.

- Hello, Briggs. What do you want?

I just wanted to have a friendly talk.

I'm sort of worried about business.

Step in the other room, baby.

- But, Dad...

- Run along, honey.

Your kid?

She's cute, isn't she?

I don't think we've got anything

to talk about. Get out.

Not before I get your okay on my gang.

- I'm not doing you any favours.

- Yes, you are.

You're gonna sign this.

[Dog barking]

I'm taking over your territory,

or there's gonna be trouble.

I'm taking no sides.

You'll have to fight it out

with Butch and the gang.

I'm stepping into your shoes as boss.

I'm not backing up any small-time chiseller.

ALKY:
Don't put on the Ritz with me.

JOE:
Don't get cocky with me, Briggs.

ALKY:
I'm talking turkey.

You can't make all the dough

and then run out on your pals.

I'm not taking orders from a mug like you!

Scram!

So that's your answer? Here's mine!

[Horn tooting]

So you got your gang with you?

I'll get you later.

Who are you guys?

What are you doing in my room?

That's my partner, but he no speak.

He's dumb and deaf.

[Horn tooting]

[Joe chuckles]

You guys don't know it, but you just scared

a pretty tough egg out of this room.

Sure, we're a couple of tough guys.

- Do you want to make some money?

- Money?

[Chico guffaws]

Money? Feel this muscle. Feel his muscle.

All right. How much you pay?

Just how tough are you?

You pay little bit, we're little bit tough.

You pay very much, very much tough.

You pay too much, we're too much tough.

- How much you pay?

- I pay plenty.

Then we're plenty tough.

And we show you, too.

Partner, show him how tough we are.

See? That's nothing. That's free.

Now we give you the real stuff this time.

CHICO:
Come on. Put some pep in it.

The one-two uppercut.

You know, on the button.

No downstairs button. Upstairs button.

That's fine. That's good, all right.

I tell him you're tough, and you punch

like a lily. What's a matter?

You wanna lose this job?

Give him the stuff this time.

Excuse me, boss. He can do much better...

but he no work good today.

He no get paid.

When he get paid, you watch him.

Come on. This time we give him the works.

Come on. Hurry up.

On the button this time.

Come on, I tell you. On the button.

CHICO:
Hurry up. Give me the punch.

Come on.

CHICO:
All right.

Come on! Punch!

[Frog croaking]

That's enough. Wait.

- What do you think of us?

- You're great.

Not so loud.

You want him to get a swell head?

You guys are plenty tough, all right.

I'm spying on you.

You're just the fellows I need. You're hired.

CHICO:
We're great, huh?

JOE:
You're great.

CHICO:
My partner?

JOE:
He's great.

My grandfather's great.

He's a great-grandfather.

When Helton comes out

of his room, plug him.

- What'll we plug him with?

- Didn't I give you two gats?

We had to drown the gat,

but we saved you a little black gitten.

Here, take these, and hang onto them now.

Don't leave me for a minute.

And keep your eye on that guy

that just went out of here.

You understand.

Anybody come near the boss,

let him have it.

You're all right now, boss.

Anybody comes near you...

What's a matter with you? Look out.

That's all right. He was just practicing.

Get out.

Now I can take a walk out on deck

and feel safe. Come on. Let's go.

There he comes now. Get him.

Don't worry. We'll get him.

I've got my finger on the trigger.

Hey, don't forget.

Anybody comes near the boss,

let him have it.

[Chico laughs]

It's the boss. He's got a disguise.

Take off the whiskers. We know you.

[Screams] What do you mean?

Officer!

Why didn't you get him?

Not afraid, are you?

Afraid? Me?

A man who's licked his weight...

in wild caterpillars? Afraid?

You bet I'm afraid.

- So...

- Hello. How are things in the closet?

You know, I still smell of mothballs.

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