Monkey Business Page #4

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I don't want to talk to you.

[Groucho humming dramatic dance music]

So here you are,

loafing around with these tramps.

I came down to see Joe Helton.

- Don't you think we'd better go?

- What?

And leave this woman alone

with her husband?

Suppose her sweetheart came in.

Alky Briggs, don't think you can keep me

cooped up in that stateroom.

Because you're crazy!

You'll stay down there

and keep out of my business.

Do you understand?

- Keep out of my business.

- Your turn.

You were going to show me a good time.

A good time!

I might as well have stayed home

and played solitaire!

Your turn.

Pipe down. I've more important things

than you to worry about.

Your turn.

You say that again and I'll scratch

your eyes out!

You take this gun.

You're gonna need it more than I will.

Oh, you!

[Woman screams]

Just the man I wanna see.

If I show you how to save 20%...

would you be interested?

Of course you would.

First, your overhead is too high

and your brow is too low.

Interested already, aren't you?

Wait till I get through.

- I haven't got time.

- Two fellows are trying to attack you...

and two fellows are trying to defend you.

Now, that's 50% waste.

Why can't you be attacked

by your bodyguards?

Your life will be saved, and that's

100% waste. Now what have you got?

Me, and I'll attack you for nothing.

- What are you getting at?

- I anticipated that.

How does an army travel? On its stomach.

And you? On a ship.

Of course, you're saving your stomach.

- The same common sense...

- I don't think you realise...

I realise it's a penny here and there,

but look at me.

I've worked myself up from nothing

to extreme poverty. What do you say?

- I'll tell you what I say...

- Then it's all settled.

I'm to be your new bodyguard.

In case I attack you...

I'll be there to defend you, too.

When you want to be attacked,

I'll defend you 10 minutes later.

I've already got two bodyguards,

but I'll think it over.

[Harpo whistling a soft tune]

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- What's the matter with you?

- I've got a frog in my throat.

- What?

- A frog in my throat.

- You've got a frog in your throat.

- Yes.

You can't do that to my customers!

Cut it out!

Say, what's the matter with you?

Are you crazy or something?

[Frog croaking]

[Harpo whistling for frog]

[Ship's horn blowing]

Have your landing cards

and passports ready, please.

- How do you do, Madame Swempski?

- Hello, boys.

- Any statement for the press?

- No, I'm afraid not.

Nothing of interest on this tour.

Is it true the opera is on the decline

in Central Europe?

Absurd.

I predict they're going to have

the greatest year they've ever had.

Is it true that you're gonna get

married again while on this tour?

- Gentlemen, I don't know what to say.

- Gentlemen, I'd say just this.

The bicycle will never replace the horse.

But, the horse will never replace

the bicycle...

which is quite a horse on the bicycle

if I ever saw one, and I never did.

I dare you to print that, you muckrakers.

- Have a cigar, babe.

- Okay for the picture, Joe.

Pictures? Here's a little sex stuff

for your front page.

Now, hold it steady, please.

[Horn tooting]

You can say it was a real love match.

We married for money.

Eh, my shrinking violet?

It won't hurt you to shrink 30 or 40 pounds.

You impudent cad!

- I'll report you to your paper.

- Let me do the reporting.

Is it true you'll get a divorce as soon

as your husband recovers his sight?

Is it true you wash your hair in clam broth?

- Is it true you danced in a flea circus?

- This is outrageous!

- lf you don't stop, I'll call the captain.

- So that's it.

Infatuated with a pretty uniform.

We don't count.

We gave you our best years,

now you want an officer.

I don't like this innuendo.

That's what I always say, love flies out

the door when money comes innuendo.

Good-bye. It's nice to have seen you,

but I've got nobody to blame but myself.

REPORTER:
Could you tell me...

SWEMPSKl:
Please...

You're awfully glum.

I was just thinking, after the boat lands,

I may never see you again.

Does it matter to you

whether you ever see me again?

I can't think of anything in the world

that matters more.

Mary, I'll never leave you.

[Soft romantic instrumental music]

SAILOR:
Tag.

SAILOR:
Tag.

Wait a minute!

I'm just trying to sneak off the boat,

that's all.

I'm looking for the man who owns...

Where's your passport?

GROUCHO:
Wait a minute.

Let me handle this.

I don't like to speak about it,

Officer, but I happen to be...

a good friend of the meat supplier

to this boat.

- Well?

- Well, do you like lamb chops?

- Yes, what of it?

- This man doesn't handle lamb chops.

But the roast beef is very good today.

You fellows can't get off the boat

without showing passports.

Get on back there at the end of the

line and get your passports open.

CAPTAIN:
Go on. Get back there.

Stuffed shirt. When he said that to me...

you could've knocked me over

with a feather.

He gives you service.

[Thudding]

It looks like we're up against it.

It's up to you to get us a passport.

I got you, didn't I?

Well, you'll have to get up pretty

early in the morning to steal from me.

He did get up early this morning, but

you weren't here. Perhaps tomorrow?

Well, come on. Let's try another one.

What's the idea,

putting your hand in my pocket?

Just a little mistake.

I had a suit that looked just like that

and I thought those were my pants.

How could they be yours,

when I've got them on?

This suit had two pairs of pants.

Better keep your hands to yourself.

Do you know who's on this boat?

Maurice Chevalier, the movie actor.

- I just ran into him.

- Did you hurt him?

- How do you know it was Chevalier?

- I got his passport right there.

Now he can't get off the boat.

Hey, he looks like Chevalier.

And I can look like Chevalier.

- I certainly look like Chevalier.

- But that's not enough.

You have to sing his song

to get off this boat.

[Singing] If a nightingale could sing like you

They'd sing much better than you do

Dandy. Sing like that,

they'll throw us all off the boat.

- Well, let's try it.

- All right. Come on.

Have your passports ready. Straight out...

you'll find the baggage on the deck.

Have your passports ready.

Keep in line, everybody. 945.

INSPECTOR:
Keep in line, everybody.

Have your passports ready.

INSPECTOR:
1092.

[All talking indistinctly]

INSPECTOR:
Never mind.

Hey, if you want to get off the boat...

- get in the back.

- Oh, I didn't get on in the back.

- I got on in the front.

- Never mind that.

INSPECTOR:
Leave them alone.

ZEPPO:
You're right...

- I told them to stay in line.

- Yeah? Show me your passport.

- Yeah, right here. That's my name.

- Maurice Chevalier?

Yeah.

- This picture doesn't look like you.

- Sure, I'm Maurice Chevalier.

I'll sing for you.

[Singing] If a nightingale could sing like you

They'd sing much better than they do

Here, never mind that.

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