Monkey Business Page #5

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Get back in line where you belong.

I was ahead of you!

INSPECTOR:
Your passport.

Let me have your passport.

This picture doesn't look like you.

It don't look like me from the front,

but go in the back of the boat, just like me.

You're not Maurice Chevalier.

- Are you Maurice Chevalier?

- No.

Well, there you are. Wait. I prove it.

[Singing] If a nightingale could sing like you

He sing much better than you do and

Out!

- No push me!

- Get out of here!

Get back in line where you belong.

Passport!

- This picture doesn't look like you.

- It doesn't look like you either.

- This man has no moustache.

- The barbershop wasn't open.

- Why, look at that face.

- Well, look at that face.

Hey, are you going to identify

yourself, or else...

[Singing] If a nightingale could sing like you

They'd sing much sweeter than they do

For you brought a new kind of love to me

Out! Back in line where you belong!

OFFICER 1:
Get off there!

OFFICER 2:
Get off the table!

OFFICER 1:
What do you think this is here?

OFFICER 1:
Put that down!

OFFICER 2:
Lunatic!

OFFICER 1:
Stop that!

OFFICER 2:
You want to break that?

OFFICER 3:
Here, let it alone!

Passport. I said passport, not pasteboard.

Come on with that passport!

Not washboard!

Passport!

INSPECTOR:
Chevalier?

[Lip-synching]

If a nightingale could sing like you

They'd sing much sweeter than they do

For you brought a new kind of love to me

[Record garbling]

And if the sandman brought me

dreams of you

I'd want to dream my whole life through

For you brought a new kind of love to me

INSPECTOR:
Get him out of here!

- Put him back there where he belongs!

- Take it easy, folks.

The gangplank is to the left, please.

Don't crowd. Don't crowd.

- Take your time. Ladies first.

- Let me off the boat. I'm a sick man.

- I feel faint.

- I don't care, take your time.

I tell you, I feel faint. I'm going to faint.

SWEMPSKl:
Someone get a doctor!

MAN:
Somebody fainted.

Where's a doctor? A doctor! I want a doctor!

She's sick. We'll take care of you.

Look, she's got a chill, cover her up.

No, get off. Take her pulse.

No purse, put it back. Pulse.

I think you best take her temperature.

That's good, we'll take care of you, lady.

All right.

You fools, I'm not the patient.

We're not the doctor. Come on.

Doctor! Is there a doctor on the boat?

Doctor!

- Are you a doctor?

- Sure, I'm a doctor. Where's the horse?

- A man fainted over here.

- Man fainted? I'll soon fix him.

Just my hard luck it couldn't be a woman.

MAN:
Here's the doctor.

Just as I thought, smoking too much.

Here he is here, Doctor.

Don't tell me. I'll find him myself.

[People murmuring]

I can't do anything for that man.

He's fainted.

What he needs is an ocean voyage.

In the meantime, get him off the boat

and have his baggage examined.

MAN:
Gangway!

You all get close so he won't recover.

Right this way, please.

Step right around here.

OFFICER:
Step lively down there.

Back that ambulance in here!

[Women exclaim in surprise]

Hey!

Helton's throwing his party tonight,

and this time we blow the works.

Now, you guys are going in as musicians.

And stay that way until I give you the office.

Say, what about those four guys

in the house?

The ones you said were on the boat.

Don't worry about them.

They eat out of my hand.

The thing for you to worry about is that girl.

Keep your eye on her. Get me?

That ought be easy to take.

Okay.

Sit tight and I'll give you a call.

[Band playing upbeat music]

Have you guys got an invitation?

We give you invitation of Chevalier.

[Singing] When the nightingale

sings like you

Cut it out! And stay away

from this door, see?

ZEPPO:
Mary?

You certainly had me worried.

I thought you'd forgotten your own party.

You haven't been doing all the worrying.

I was afraid you wouldn't come.

My, but, there are

a lot of strange-looking people here.

[Band continues playing upbeat music]

Ladies and gentlemen! Quiet, everybody.

A lady's diamond earring has been lost.

It looks exactly like this.

In fact, this is it.

I beg your pardon!

How about you and I passing out

on the veranda?

Or would you rather pass out here?

Sir, you have the advantage of me.

Not yet, but wait till I get you outside.

You're pretty fresh, aren't you?

That's my wife and I don't like the way

you're acting here.

If you don't like our country,

go back where you came from.

I should sink that right in your scalp.

- Run for your life! The Indians are coming!

- What?

Put your scalp in your pocket. Here.

The Indians.

[Groucho whooping]

- Come here.

- I'll get him.

[Groucho whooping]

Have a good time, kid.

This is going to be a real party.

Is this a party?

The beer is warm, the women are cold...

and I'm hot under the collar.

In fact, a more poisonous little barbecue

I've never attended.

You're a funny kind of a duck, but I like you.

You stuck by me, and I'll stick by you.

Sheriff, I ain't much on flowery sentiments...

but there's something I just got to tell you.

Shucks, man, I'd be nothing

but a poisonous varmint...

and not fit to touch the hem of your pants...

if I didn't tell you

you've treated me square, mighty square...

and I ain't forgetting.

Sheriff, I ain't forgetting.

[Groucho imitating a horse neighing]

GROUCHO:
Whoa, there, Bossie.

Whoa, there!

[Groucho imitating horse hooves clattering]

[Guests applauding]

My friends, this is indeed a surprise.

You couldn't have pleased me better.

I want you to meet the sweetest little thing

in the whole wide world.

[Guests applauding]

[Dramatic instrumental music]

[Horn tooting]

GROUCHO:
Hey.

WAITER:
Yes, sir?

No, it's special for Mr. Helton, sir.

You see this?

Come back in a half hour,

and I'll give you another look at it.

Listen. Keep your eye on Helton.

We're gonna grab his daughter

and take her to the old barn.

Old barn? A fine tinhorn sport you are.

With all the good shows in town,

taking a girl to an old barn!

Once we get a hold of that girl,

he'll take orders from me.

- I'll show him...

- Enough small talk.

- Where's your wife, Lucille?

- Would you...

Someone's coming. I'll be back.

Be back next Thursday,

and bring a specimen of your handwriting.

And, above all, don't worry.

[lmitating cat meowing]

What brought you here?

It's midsummer madness.

The music is in my temples...

the hot blood of youth.

Come, Kapellmeister. Let the violas throb.

My regiment leaves at dawn.

[Slow-paced lively instrumental music]

I guess my regiment can go without me.

No, don't, my husband might be inside.

If he finds me out here, he'll wallop me.

Always thinking of your husband.

Couldn't I wallop you just as well?

I heard Alky talking about this party.

I've dreamed of a night like this, I tell you.

You tell me about some of your dreams.

Dreams? I can't even sleep anymore,

wondering who he's chasing around with.

Why can't we break away from all this,

just you and I...

and lodge with my fleas in the hills?

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