Monkey Business Page #6

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I mean, flee to my lodge in the hills.

No, I couldn't think of it.

Don't be afraid.

You can join this lodge for a few pennies.

You won't even have to take

a physical examination...

unless you insist on one.

What a swell home life I've got.

Why, I think I'd almost marry you

to spite that double-crossing crook.

Mrs. Briggs...

I've known and respected your

husband Alky for many years...

and what's good enough for him

is good enough for me.

Emily!

Henry, carefully, somebody may see us.

I've been careful too long.

Now that you've brought it up,

how long have you been careful?

- They saw us!

- Be calm, Emily. I'll talk to them.

You won't say anything about this?

Sir, are you trying to offer me

a bribe? How much?

But you don't understand.

You see, I'm not happy with my husband.

He should've married some little housewife.

Madam, I resent that.

Some of my best friends are housewives.

[Clears throat]

Now, see here, if you're going to...

You're living in a fool's paradise.

You intend to spend $10 to buy

this woman a ring? Look at this.

It's solid brass and $1.50 takes it away.

I know it'll fit her.

I got it from the nose of a savage.

Well? $1.50. You can have it for $1.

Fifty cents and not a nickel under.

Now, my friends, what am I offered for

this fine French piece of bric-a-brac?

I know what it is to be unhappy.

How do you think I feel?

I'm stuck with this ring.

I've been married for four years,

four years of neglect...

four years of battling,

four years of heartbreaks.

That makes 12 years.

You must've been married in rompers.

Mighty pretty country around there.

Do you think you'll ever go back?

Come here, babe. I like you.

I shouldn't. What about my husband?

That's all right.

Maybe we can get a girl for him.

Who was that? My wife?

Married to her 12 years and you ask me?

What're you doing here?

I told you to spy on Helton.

- I did spy on him.

- What was he doing?

- He was spying on me.

- Did he see you?

No. I was too foxy for him.

All he could do was spy on me.

Well, get back in there.

We're all set to cop his girl.

Okay, chief.

[Girl screaming]

They got some good stuff outside.

You want a drink?

Ready, boys? Let's go.

[Band playing slow music]

[Playing upbeat music]

[Playing intense upbeat music]

Beat you that time.

[Playing rhythmic music]

[Continues playing rhythmic music]

- Very swell. Let me get you some punch.

- I'd love it.

Just what I needed.

[Band playing upbeat music]

Well, how's it coming, kid?

- Got everything you want?

- Sure, how about a job for my grandfather?

JOE:
Your grandfather, what does he do?

He puts cheese in the mousetraps.

Why, we haven't got any mice here.

He brings his own mice with him.

[Joe laughs]

You know, Mary, everyone seems to be

having nearly as much fun as I am.

I beg your pardon, but there's someone

to see you, Miss Helton.

- Pardon me, and I'll hurry right back.

- Surely.

[Harpo whistles]

No, you're wrong, girls, you're wrong.

In the first place,

Gary Cooper is much taller than I am.

I wish you'd announce this singer.

I can't make out the name.

Ladies and gentlemen, I wish to announce...

that the buffet will be served

in the next room in five minutes.

To get you in that room quickly...

Mrs. Schmalhausen will sing a soprano solo

in this room.

[Singing a slow opera song]

[Girl screams]

[Schmalhausen continues

singing slow opera song]

[Schmalhausen singing high-pitched finale]

That's no good.

You wanna get thrown out again?

Play something nice.

I tell you what you play.

Play...

[Chico humming upbeat tune]

[Harpo whistling upbeat tune]

That's it.

That's beautiful.

That's magnifico. I like that.

[Playing upbeat music]

[Continues playing upbeat music]

[Plays fast-paced upbeat music]

[Guests applauding]

Mary! They've kidnapped her!

ZEPPO:
Who's been kidnapped?

Mary, my daughter! Do something!

But who could've done it?

It's that Alky Briggs!

You saw them drag her into the car.

Where did they take her?

First, they blindfolded me and then they...

Of course, they took her to the barn.

Fellows, let's all pack up a lunch

and go down to the old barn.

Fred, you go down to the North Road.

Jack, you head down by Front Street.

I'll go pick up a couple of the boys.

And I'll take care of picking up

a couple of dames.

Women? This is no time for women.

GROUCHO:
On to the barn!

Gee, I wish I had a horse.

ALKY:
Hurry it up, boys.

MAN:
Come on.

Let me go!

No use yelling, kid.

Nobody will hear you in here.

You wait till my father hears about this!

He's gonna hear about it

because I'm gonna tell him myself.

Take it easy!

You're not going anyplace.

Don't get all excited. Come on.

You take your hands off of me!

Listen, kid. Nobody's gonna hurt you.

You'll be out in an hour

if your dad comes through.

Butch, you take care of the girl while

I telephone Joe. Come on, you guys.

[Mary screaming]

You take your hands off of me!

Now, make yourself at home, but shut up!

DRIVER:
$1.10.

GROUCHO:
Here's $1. Keep the change.

DRIVER:
But I said $1.10.

GROUCHO:
Give me $1. I'll keep the change.

That's a half a dollar I owe you.

You call this a barn?

This looks like a stable.

It looks like a barn but smells like a stable.

Well, let's just look at it.

Get out of here!

Have you got a girl in that hayloft?

BUTCH:
No!

You're a bigger fool than I thought.

Beat it, I tell you!

- What'd you say?

- I said beat it!

GROUCHO:
Pardon me. What did you say?

BUTCH:
I said beat it!

He said beat it.

Gee, I wish I'd said that.

Everybody's repeating it.

I'm coming down there and get you!

Don't bother. We'll come right up.

Come on. I'm going in to get him.

[Hens clucking]

[Cow mooing]

Here we are at the old barn,

all set for a nice picnic lunch.

Gosh, the picnic is off,

we haven't got any red ants.

I know an Indian who's got

a couple of Red aunts.

Don't you think we'd better

go look for the girl?

Let's wait till we eat,

there's hardly enough lunch for two.

I don't see why she couldn't get

kidnapped near a restaurant.

Some dark night, I think I'll come and

lay for you if the hens don't get sore.

Here.

Go over to that filling station

and get some milk. Grade-A.

Well, come on. Where's the milk?

There's a customer ahead of me.

Hey!

- What are you doing here?

- What are we doing?

What about you, kidnapping a girl?

Old-fashioned piece of melodrama...

kidnapping a girl!

You've been reading too many dime novels.

Go on. You get him. I'll wait for you outside.

Keep out of this loft!

It's better to have loft and lost

than never to have loft at all.

- Nice work.

- Beat it, or I'll throw you out!

[Hens clucking frantically]

CHICO:
Take your face out of my foot!

BUTCH:
I gotcha!

So, thought we were afraid?

Thought we were afraid, did you?

BUTCH:
Now I'm gonna give

it to you guys right!

[Mary screaming]

[Cow mooing]

Butch! What happened?

Hey!

You, get out of that loft!

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