Monkeybone Page #14

TWO VOICES come out from under the shroud at once:

STU MONKEYBONE

Cranberry Margarita. Sex on the Beach.

Much COUGHING and THROAT-CLEARING from under the shroud. By now DEATH'S

LAPDOG is GROWLING at the STAINED REAPER, and DEATH can't hear what

anyone is saying. He shushes the dog.

DEATH:

...What??

STU MONKEYBONE

Salty Dog. Sufferin' Bastard.

The little hellhound YIPS VICIOUSLY. DEATH whacks him on the rump.

DEATH:

Well - whatever it is - you get that shroud to

the dry cleaner ASAP! Now where were we?

ASSISTANT:

Clarke P. Devereaux, San Francisco.

Complications resulting from coma...

DEATH:

Oh, wait. Says here he's supposed to recover.

A loud chorus of "A WWWWW's" from the disappointed REAPERS. DEATH stamps

the word "REPRIEVE" on Clarke's warrant.

His ASSISTANT crosses the room. In the far wall is a steel-reinforced

VAULT DOOR with a hydraulic wheel - the kind you see at banks. The

ASSISTANT dials in a combination, turns the wheel, laboriously pulls the

door open and STEPS INSIDE...

...returning, a moment later, with a priceless gold E-TICKET!!

The UPPER HALF of the STAINED REAPER begins to gyrate wildly.

CLOSEUP - ON STU - UNDER THE SHROUD

MONKEYBONE is doing an agitated TAP DANCE on his head. His TAIL whips

repeatedly across STU'S FACE.

INT. DEATH'S OFFICE - BACK TO SCENE

The REAPER in front of the boys stares at the E-ticket, crestfallen.

DEATH:

Take this to Dark Town. Sad to say, he's gonna

live another forty years.

(a consoling pat on the shoulder)

Sorry. Nobody said this job would be easy.

The ASSISTANT hands the REAPER a YELLOW MAILMAN'S POUCH containing the

E-ticket. But before he can depart, the STAINED REAPER - aka STU and

MONKEYBONE - jumps to the front of the line.

MONKEYBONE:

Say, Death, just out of curiosity, could we

maybe swap jobs with that other guy? See, we've

been meaning to drop in on Dark Town - I mean

I've been meaning to...

DEATH is stunned by this unprecedented breach of protocol. The other

REAPERS in the line are ABUZZ.

DEATH:

...I beg your pardon?

MONKEYBONE:

I got relatives there. I...EEP!!

CLOSEUP - ON STU - UNDER SHROUD

An ENRAGED STU is yanking on MONKEYBONE'S TAIL, signalling him to shut

up. MONKEYBONE, in pain, squeals repeatedly. Finally he reaches down and

PUNCHES STU IN THE NOSE.

INT. DEATH'S OFFICE - BACK TO SCENE

The blow sends STU staggering. DEATH and the other REAPERS look on in

astonishment as the STAINED REAPER does a bizarre DANCE across the

floor, top half and bottom half moving independently. Miraculously, he

manages to right himself and regain his balance.

DEATH:

Now what were you saying?

STU/MONKEYBONE

(in unison)

Nothing.

DEATH:

I'd like to have a word with you in private.

He stands and gestures toward a side room. The boys follow. The little

HELLHOUND scampers out from behind the desk...

...and GRABS THE HEM OF THEIR SHROUD in its teeth! The boys keep on

walking, but the shroud stays behind. Somehow they go three or four

steps before they realize they've been exposed.

DEATH jumps a foot in the air and SHRIEKS. PANDEMONIUM ERUPTS.

DEATH:

IMPOSTORS!! GET 'EM!!

The boys back toward the big WINDOW overlooking the trainyard. The

REAPERS close in on them, BRANDISHING THEIR SCYTHES.

DEATH:

HYPNOS! That little twerp! He's the one who put

you up to this!

With a SCREECH, MONKEYBONE LEAPS into the air, BOUNDS OVER the heads and

shoulders of the advancing REAPERS, and SNATCHES the yellow E-ticket

pouch from the guy Death gave it to.

He bounds over a table and into STU's arms, with the precious pouch in

hand! DEATH lets out a great rattling BELLOW OF RAGE.

His features begin to JITTER VIOLENTLY. HIS HEAD EXPLODES!!!

MONKEYBONE:

Yowie.

Nothing to lose at this point. With a CRASH, the boys DIVE THROUGH THE

BIG WINDOW overlooking the trainyard!

The headless DEATH gropes around blindly, waving to his ASSISTANT.

DEATH:

Head. HEAD!!

The ASSISTANT opens a cabinet containing a half-dozen identical HEADS.

He pulls out a spare and screws it onto DEATH's neck.

EXT. TRAINYARD - THAT MOMENT - NIGHT

The boys land hard at the edge of the trainyard. Behind them, REAPERS

are shepherding a line of newly arrived DEAD PEOPLE past a sign which

reads:
"PROCESSING - THIS WAY."

By the time they can dust themselves off, an ALARM starts blaring.

REAPERS drop what they're doing, point at the boys. Panic time!

Nearby, a FLYING BICYCLE is propped up against a SIGN. Side-by-side they

race toward the bike, each of them clutching the strap of the pouch,

YANKING each other back and forth in a tug-of-war.

STU's bigger. He pulls the pouch onto his shoulder, and MONKEYBONE with

it. They grab the bike, climb aboard, and pedal off -

- revealing the SIGN it was leaning against: "CYCLE REPAIR."

EXT. TRAINYARD - ON BICYCLE - THAT MOMENT

STU pedals onto the central turntable area. The BATWINGS on the rear of

the bike flap feebly, but the flying bike just won't fly.

MONKEYBONE looks over his shoulder. A small ARMY of REAPERS, anned with

scythes, is pouring into the trainyard behind them.

MONKEYBONE:

Stu...Stu...

STU:

IT'S NOT WORKING.

MONKEYBONE:

There's a thing here! There's a switch!

MONKEYBONE fiddles with the ignition switch. A BLACK CLOUD OF EXHAUST

belches violently from the rear of the bike, almost pitching them off

their seat. The batwings start to flap faster...

SPUT. BLAP. The engine BACKFIRES and DIES. STU fiddles with the switch,

but it's no go.

MONKEYBONE:

Stu...LOOK!

STU:

What?

MONKEYBONE:

Isn't that Lulu?

LULU is still sitting in her little car at the edge of the tracks, eyes

crossed, mouth agape. MONKEYBONE waves brightly. Then a mob of REAPERS

appears on either side of LULU's car, swarming out onto the tracks! STU

starts pedaling for his life.

He makes for the TRAIN TUNNELS in the far wall of the station.

ILLUMINATED SIGNS over the tunnels read: Calcutta...Hong Kong...Waco, TX

...and directly ahead...

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