Monster-in-Law

# You thought you had|found a good girl #

# One to love you|and give you the world #

# Now you find|that you've been misused #

# Talk to me,|I'll do what you choose #

# I want you to #

# Tell Mama #

# All about it #

# Tell Mama #

# What you need #

# Tell Mama #

# What you want #

# And I'll make everything|all right #

# That girl you had|didn't have no sense #

# She wasn't worth|all the time that you spent #

# She had another man|throw you outdoors #

# Now the same man|is wearing your clothes #

# I want you|to tell Mama #

# Tell Mama #

# What you want #

# And I'll make everything|all right... #

Hi, it's Charlie.|Leave a message.

Hi, Charlie. It's Carol|from the LA Temp Agency.

Listen, Dr. Batel's office needs you|for tomorrow. Is that okay?

Let me know. Bye.

Good morning, neighbor.

Hey.|Help yourself.

Oh, thanks.|I was out of everything.

Aw, why do I even bother?

You know, Remy, I gave you|that key for emergencies.

Extreme emergencies.

It was.|I needed caffeine.

I don't know.|This is good. I'd even wear it.

Good, 'cause I've got to go.|I'm late for my first client.

But you stay,|have breakfast, take a shower.

Go through my drawers.

# Tell Mama #

# All about it #

# Tell Mama #

# What you want #

# Tell Mama... #

- Hey, Charlie.|- Morning.

- Are the boys ready?|- Dragon! Zorro!

Hey!|There are my boys.

Come on. Yay.

- See you later!|- Bye!

- Be good, boys!|- Whoa! Slow down!

# Tell Mama|all about it #

# Tell Mama|what you need... #

"Romance is in the air today.

No one can resist|your obvious charms."

Well, Otis, your horoscope|seems accurate.

Stop it.|Come on.

Let's read mine.|Okay.

"Do not leave your house today."|Too late.

"And stop looking so hard.|Love is right in front of you."

Hey.|What's wrong?

I ordered a nonfat latte.|I can taste the fat.

I would be happy|to change it for you, sir.

Can't you even make a friggin' cup|of coffee? I can taste the fat.

How hard it is to make|a friggin' cup of coffee?

I can make another one|for you if you'd like. I'd be happy

- to exchange it for you, sir.|- Hello? It's okay.

- You've done enough, thanks.|- I'm sorry.

Karma.

- Have a good one.|- Thanks, girl!

- Oh, sorry.|- Oh, I'm sorry.

Hi.

Hi.

I don't know how|to read tarot cards.

- Why am I in the cards?|- Come on, just try.

Okay, well, this crazy old lady|keeps coming up.

The knight|in shining armor.

- Mmm! That's mine.|- No no no. What?

- I saw this guy twice today.|- That guy?

Two times in one day.|That's got to be a sign, right?

Mm, a sign.

Yeah, okay. What did he say|when you talked to him?

I didn't talk to him.

Well, are you sure|he saw you?

Yeah!|I mean, I think so.

Okay, honey,|we're worried about you

because you're turning|into a little bit of a freak.

Yeah, we think|it's from not having sex.

- Exactly.|- Look, just because...

I haven't been in|a relationship in a while

doesn't mean|I'm miserable.

I just want a sweet guy,

you know, a guy|who's strong but still...

...opens a door|once in a while.

And who notices|things and...

you know, maybe|makes a difference.

Maybe he completes you.

Oh.

You complete me.

Oh, sorry.

Dr. Batel's office.|Hi, Mrs. Reynolds.

- Go to Grandma's, tell her|I'll be home late.

- I still have stitches to do...|- Yeah, can you please hold?

I'll see you|at home.

You know what? You go ahead.|I can do that for you.

- Oh thank you, Charlie. You're a doll.|- No problem.

Hey, George.

- How're you doing, Charlie?|- Good.

- What do you got there?|- The doctor asked me

to bring it from home.

Whew! Okay!

All right. The doctor|will be right with you.

# I said "Leap into|my arms, babe" #

- Thank you.|- # Come on, dive into the stove... #

We're here!

Thank God|you guys are here.

I am down two girls|tonight. Here.

- Sorry, that's all I got left.|- Sweet.

Wow. You know, I love that I am|now comfortable enough with my sexuality

- to wear something like this, you know?|- Looks good on you.

- Hey, what's up?|- Take off the apron now.

- Sorry.|- Where do we start?

Okay, uh, hand out|these shrimp balls.

There has got to be|a better name for those.

- I don't think it's that bad of a name.|- What's wrong with the name?

# I said, I say,|sometimes we look back... #

- Oh my God, that's him.|- Whoa! Who? Who?

The guy I ran into.|He's here.

- Where?|- What?

That is three times in two days.|What are the chances of that?

- Um, like, none.|- That's Dr. Fields.

This is his party. He just moved|back from San Francisco.

- Really?|- Yeah.

Well, you're right.|He is hot.

# Flirting|with disaster #

# You're the one|I'm after #

# I think I've found|my destiny #

# I can fly #

# On the wings|of my heart #

# Deep inside #

# I've been falling apart #

# L-l-love #

# There's a magic in you #

# And I'll be #

- # Under your spell... # |- Here's the best part.

The guy then goes|into cardiac arrest,

Kevin performs CPR|on the guy,

saves his life again.

God.|Disgusting, isn't he?

No, you are amazing.

Yeah.

Excuse me?

W-wait wait wait.|What do we have there?

Oh, um, balls.

Uh, shrimp balls.

Um, shrimp in...

...balls.

I'm sorry,

but we're not really|into fish genitalia.

Yeah, okay.

Was she really listening|to our conversation?

Excuse me.

Wait a second.

Um, so I know two things|about you... you work in catering,

and you have a lot of dogs.

Oh, that... no.

Uh, I'm a dog walker.

I'm not some crazy dog-lady|with 12,000 dogs.

- That's why.|- And I'm sorry about before.

I didn't mean|to be eavesdropping.

Well, you're right.|You shouldn't have.

You should have stayed|and talked to me.

Well, your girlfriend|seemed pretty offended.

Oh no, that's...|that's not my girlfriend.

I-I don't have a...|I'm sing...

I don't have|a girlfriend.

What?

Nothing.

Nothing. Um, I'm Charlie.|Charlotte, but Charlie.

Well, I'm... I'm Kevin.

- Nice to meet you.|- Nice to meet you, too.

Uh-oh.

What? What does|"uh-oh" mean?

It looks like someone else|is mowing your lawn, Fiona.

I'm gonna go|destroy these.

Excuse me.|I'll see you guys.

Oh, my shoes|are killing me

which means|they must look fabulous.

Can I get you anything?

One of him on a platter.

Such a waste.

What's a waste?

Oh, you didn't know?

Kevin's gay.

- What?|- Yeah.

That's Kit, the groom.

Or maybe he's the bride.|I can't remember

which one's the top|and which one's the bottom.

Yeah, they're getting married|next Christmas in Maui.

I didn't get that vibe.

Trust me.

Thanks.

Look at|that dude's arms!

I used to have|such good gaydar.

Oh, you're home.|Thank God.

- I'm exhausted.|- What did you do today?

- Hi, it's Charlie. Leave a message.|- Went to the post office.

Uh, hi, Charlie.

- This is Kevin Fields.|- That's him.

I don't know if you remember me|from the party the other night,

but I was just calling,|uh, to see if, um,

maybe... maybe you wanted|to walk my dog.

What? No!

Hang up the phone.

No, actually, you can't,|because I don't have a dog.

So maybe you could|walk me.

Hang it up.

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