Monster-in-Law Page #2

All right, you know,|I'm-I'm gonna go now.

Call me at 555-0118|and ask for Dr. Fields.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

Oh man, that was...|that was horrible.

Yeah, I wouldn't hold your breath|for a callback on that.

Yeah, she'll call me back|if she wants to walk an idiot.

Yeah, I'm not going|to disagree with you.

So takeout|or raid your fridge?

Here we go.

Take it easy, Lilly.

Easy.

Hi.

You never called me back so I figured|I would bring the coffee to you.

Thanks.

Um, look, I think you're|a really nice guy and everything,

but I don't know why|you called me.

- Hmm?|- I'm a woman.

Yeah, I love that fact.

Have you ever been|with a woman?

Excuse me?

I mean, have you only|ever been with men?

Men?|What are you talking...

whoa whoa whoa.|Wait a minute, I'm not gay.

- You're not?|- No.

No, I like women.|Lots of... no, not lots of women,

but you know what I mean.

Why did you think|I was gay?

Awkward.

Okay, I got to go now.

Wait wait.|Wait wait wait.

Okay, I'll prove to you|that I'm not gay.

Let me take you out on Friday night.|We'll watch the playoffs,

I'll order a pizza,|I'll completely ignore you.

Give me one good reason.

'Cause I'm different.

Really?

Okay, what color|are my eyes?

Well, at first glance,|your eyes are brown.

But when the light hits them|they change to amber.

And if you look really closely around the|iris the color is pure honey.

But when you look|into the sun

they almost look green.

That's my favorite.

How did I do?

I would've settled|for brown.

- Okay!|- Peanut, let go!

Off! Off!

I'm sorry he bit you.

I mean, they all have their shots|so it should be fine.

Seriously, don't worry about it.|It barely broke the skin.

- Outside.|- Did you just move in or something?

No, I've been here|a year and a half.

Oh, nice place.

I should have some hydrogen peroxide|around here somewhere.

What is all this stuff?

Oh, I'm a yoga instructor.

- This?|- And a Little League coach.

And a dog walker|and a caterer.

I told you I'm a temp.

That is not true.|She is an incredibly talented artist.

- Remy! Remy!|- I mean, look at her sketchbook.

- She hides it right under there.|- Remy!

What?

He's not...

- Are you all right?|- Yeah. Yeah, thank you.

Found it!

So you're an artist, too?

Uh, I like to dabble|in a lot of different things.

I mean, life's too short|to live the same day twice, right?

Yeah. That's a good|philosophy to live by.

My dad always used|to say that. Come on.

- Used to?|- Oh, yeah,

- my parents died when I was little.|- Oh, I'm sorry.

That's okay.|It was a really long time ago.

- You ready?|- Yeah... I mean,

it's a little embarrassing.|I'm the doctor.

I'm the one who's supposed|to look at the... ah! Ow!

- Oh my God. I'm sorry!|- I'm just kidding.

I never get to do that.

Okay, because the cut is,|like, three inches higher.

Sorry.

- Do you need my phone?|- Oh, no thanks.

It's just my mom. And it's only|her second page of the day.

She's just getting started.

- Well, you're all set.|- Thank you.

So, do you think, uh...

we could do this again sometime,|maybe without the biting?

Yeah, that would be nice.

- Heard from Kevin yet?|- Not yet. I've paged him.

Would you page|him again?

- Good morning, Stan.|- Good morning.

- You're in a good mood.|- The last time the network executives

came to my dressing room|I got my own show and a big fat raise.

- Yeah and I had to start kissing your...|- Viola Fields? Oh my God!

It is such an honor|to meet you.

Oh thank you, darling.

Would you mind|just signing this autograph?

For my grandmother.

I'd love to.

You know what else|I'd love?

I'd love you to get me a latte.|Do you mind?

- Okay.|- Thanks, hon.

Hi, guys.|How are you?

That woman is a legend.

Shouldn't you be|getting the latte?

I just can't believe|they picked me to replace her.

Oh, sh*t!

I-I've been replaced?

I'm so sorry, Viola.

Psst!|I'm fine.

I mean, you've had|an amazing career, Viola.

It's just that we're trying to appeal|to a younger demographic.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

God damn!|Get my manager on the phone!

And then I'm gonna call|the head of the...

Uh, we're on in two minutes.

- Okay.|- Will you get her to come?

- Please!|- Okay, she'll be ready.

I'm ready.

# ... love got jeans|and a tee #

# Am I kinky or sweet? #

- # Take a look inside my makeup bag # |- # Ooh #

# If you wanna love me #

# How good or bad|I can be... #

- Are you okay?|- I'm great.

Hey, I've had|a great run.

I've done exclusives|with Kissinger, the Dalai Lama,

Muhammad Ali...

four sitting presidents...

three of them hit on me.

Five Emmys!

Now I'm being replaced|by a young thing

whose grandmother|loves me.

You know what|I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna finish out|my contract

and I'm gonna leave this show|with my dignity intact.

Okay, coming back|from commercial.

Three, cue announcer.

Today on "Public Intimacy,"

pop singing sensation|Tanya Murphy.

And now we're live|with Viola Fields.

Four, three, two...

Well, that was|very nice.

My goodness, you have a big voice|for such a tiny girl.

You're gonna miss|Viola Fields.

Have you always|been a singer?

Ever since I was|a child.

I would sing|in school plays, choirs.

- How old are you?|- I'll be 17 next month.

W-what do you do for fun?

I love watching|really old movies.

- They're my favorite.|- Really? Really, which ones?

Well, "Grease"|and "Grease II."

Um, "Benji."|I love "Benji."

"Free Willy," um...

"Legally Blonde,"

"The Little Mermaid."

- Oh.|- Yeah... oh, I know.

You ever read|a newspaper?

Newspaper?

Viola, the girl|has stars on her nipples.

I don't have|much time for that.

So basically, you have absolutely|no idea what's going on in the world?

- Oh, l...|- And yet, you've sold

over five million albums... CDs,|to millions of kids

- who listen to your insipid lyrics.|- What is she doing?

"You want to know me,|look in my makeup bag."

You're influencing|an entire generation of kids

who won't know how|to think straight,

or vote for a president,

or remember the significance|of Roe versus Wade.

Oh! I don't support|boxing as a sport.

I think|it's too violent.

Y'all better get that|little girl out of there.

- Holy crap!|- Get us off the air!

- Quick!|- Go to commercial! Go to commercial!

Crazy b*tch!|Get off me!

- Cut! Cut! Put in the Bow Flex tape!|- Get her off!

Juice Man, something!

Oh, I don't support|boxing as a sport.

I think|it's too violent.

Oh.

I wanted you to take one last look|at the old Viola.

Oh, thank God|I've changed.

Yes.

Well, just remember

the breakdown was|only a few months ago

so take it nice|and slow out there.

No stress.

Absolutely.

In fact, I'm going|to take a vacation.

I've been promising my son|we'd go to Africa

since he was a little boy.

And I finally have|the time.

That's wonderful.

Not to worry,

I'm in complete control.

Ruby! Ruby,|my dear old friend.

Oh, I'm so happy|to see you.

Well, good,|they still have you medicated.

Ruby, I figured it out.

- Life, I mean.|- Oh, this ought to be good.

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