Monster-in-Law Page #3

It's not about how many celebrities|I interview or what my ratings are.

- It's about relationships and family.|- Oh!

Me and my son.

Oh, I just spoke to Kevin.

- Did you get the tickets?|- Sure did. Right here.

He's going|to be so surprised.

Yeah, the three of you|should have a good time.

- Three?|- Yeah, uh, you, Kevin

- and his new girlfriend.|- New girlfriend?

That's a lovely surprise.

Is it?

Well, I mean,|it can't be too serious.

I've only been away|a few months.

Well, that's|the end of it.

Where do you want me|to put this?

Oh, under the bed.

Uh, you sure you don't want me|to put it by the door so you can

make a quick escape to the apartment you|still have for some reason?

Now come on. You agreed to me|subletting my apartment.

I would have agreed to anything|to get you to move in here.

Oh, these are great.|Are they new?

Oh, no!|You can't look at those!

- 'Cause they're not finished yet.|- Oh, sorry.

- Okay? Please?|- Okay.

Here, I'll put them back.

I forgot to tell you, we're having lunch|with my mom tomorrow.

Oh!

It'll be fine.|I promise.

You want|to take a shower?

Hmm.

Yeah! Okay!

# It's just a ride,|it's just a ride #

# No need to run,|no need to hide #

# It'll take you|round and round. #

All right, so tell me|about your dad.

Well, he died|when I was two.

But that was just|her first husband.

At the time she was|a freelance journalist

and then she married this guy|who was a network exec

and got her her first|on-air break,

but divorced him|for Alec Wrigley.

Wait, the actor?|I thought he was...

Oh, he was.|It lasted about two years

till she threw him out for sleeping|with her second husband.

Wait, how many times|has she been married?

- Well, four.|- Wow.

But, you know, her career|was always the main thing.

She just lived for it.|Well, her career and me, of course.

And, basically,|now I'm all she's got.

Here we are.

Oh, no.

Oh, playing dress-up,|are we?

- Shut up. Is that the Dalai Lama?|- Yeah.

- Oh my God, That can't be real.|- It is.

Did you know|all these people?

- Some of them.|- Kevin!

- Look at you, all handsome.|- Ruby!

Good to see you.

Yeah, you too.

Now, forget about|my mother.

This is the woman you need|to get through. Charlie, this is Ruby.

- Well, it's a pleasure to meet you.|- Oh, the pleasure's mine.

Uh, excuse us.|I've got to talk to him about a rash.

You're bringing a girl home|to meet your mother now?

Yeah, Ruby, I am.

The women is fresh off|the funny farm.

I mean, why don't you|come back, let's say... next spring?

Oh, the trees|will be blooming.

- It'll be so beautiful. She'll love it.|- How is she?

She's good.|The first thing she did

when she got home was make me|lock up all the booze.

It's Oprah!

Oprah!

Yeah, Oprah.

There's one in there|with the cast from "Good Times" too.

So how big is this place?

About four acres.|There's a tennis court,

two swimming pools,|indoor and outdoor... it's kind of crazy.

What?|No helicopter pad?

Oh, no.|There's one out back.

I'm kidding.

Kevin!

Oh, I've missed you|so much!

I promise I'll never|leave you again.

Oh my God, Mom.|Look at you. You look fantastic.

- It's just something I threw together.|- Come here.

- What?|- I want to introduce you to someone.

- Charlie. Mom.|- Kevin.

Charlie, this is Mom.

Mom, Charlie.

Oh, hi.

Oh, I'd love to just be able|to think of it and make it.

I must have spent|the last 30 years

looking for the perfect|little black...

- Cocktail dress.|...cocktail dress. Yes.

I know.

Well, it doesn't matter. You could|wear anything with your figure.

- I mean, you look amazing.|- Oh, honey, thanks.

Listen, when you're my age,|if ain't broke, you fix it before it is.

Why the question mark?

Oh, 'cause|I just don't know.

I love your jewelry.

- Oh, yes. Yes, thank you.|- I love that.

- I like it... the earth tones.|- It's fantastic.

- Where did you get this from?|- My first husband.

That's Kevin's father. He gave it to me|when we were in Peru.

- It's very earthy.|- It's like the dress,

very earthy.

I just think it's wonderful|that you've tried so many temp jobs.

Think of all|the experiences you have.

You've been|so quiet, Kevin.

Oh, well, it's kind of hard to get|a word in edgewise with you two.

Oh, is he great,|or what?

I tell you too,|that's a little scary.

Enjoy it while you can.

Here you go,|some more coffee.

Actually, I was a little nervous|about the two of you meeting.

- Really?|- Why?

Well, 'cause it's|important to me.

Mom, you're the most|amazing woman I've ever known.

And, Charlie,|I've never met anyone like you.

You're real,|you're honest.

And although we've only|known each other a few months,

I-I feel like|I've known you forever.

I guess what I'm|trying to say here...

is what are you doing|for the rest of your life?

What?

Oh my God!

Charlie, will you|marry me?

It's...|it's too sudden.

- She's in shock.|- No!

- I mean, I am, but...|- Yes!

Seriously?

Seriously.

No no. Say "no."

Yes. Yes!

Yeah!

Oh, gee... oh!

Oh, I'm so happy for you.

- Congratulations!|- Oh my God. I can't believe this.

I am so happy for you.

Congratulations!|I'm so pleased

that you're going to be|my daughter-in-law.

Oh, congratulations.

- I can't believe this.|- I'm so happy for you.

- Thank you!|- You're going to need a moment alone.

- Excuse me, I'll be right back.|- Okay.

Oh!

Sh*t!

Medicine.

Let's see.

No.

What's... ah!

- You are so crazy! Oh my God!|- I almost forgot.

I've been carrying this around for two|weeks waiting for the perfect moment.

I can't believe this|turned out to be it.

- Kevin.|- Try it on.

It is the perfect moment.

Maybe you should go|check on your mom.

Oh, she's fine. She's probably|calling all of our relatives.

Oh, Holy Spirit...

surround me with light.

Please rid me|of my negative karma

and my wickedness.

Please help me be|a better person.

I could just kill|that dog-walking slut!

Of course.

She's pregnant.

So, goodness.|That was a lot to take in at teatime.

- Oh, you're telling me.|- I had no idea

that you guys|were so serious.

Kevin, you never|mentioned anything.

- Mom.|- Here's what I want to say.

It's wonderful|being in love.

But I don't think marriage is|the best solution to a thing like this.

Well, you know nowadays|a girl has so many alternatives

to getting married...|there's adoption, abortion,

- lesbianism... Hmm?|- Whoa, Mom!

- What are you talking about?|- Well, I mean, it's so sudden

I have to assume|there's a pressing reason.

Oh oh, no.

Charlie's not pregnant.

Call me old-fashioned,

marriage is a sacred union

that should only be entered into|with the utmost care.

Weren't you married|four times?

Yes, dear.

Which would make me an expert,|don't you think?

Excuse me.

It's the hospital.|I'll be right back.

Okay.

You want me to go|with you?

No, stay right there.

You know, this is as sudden|for me as it is for you.

It's too sudden, right?

You think?

Yeah.

Really?

I mean, what's the rush?|It's not like the old days

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