Monster-in-Law Page #4

where you had to get married|and have kids,

and have it all figured out|by the time you were 21.

- Exactly.|- We have options now.

And I've always liked|having my options, you know?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.|Yeah.

This is so... big.

What am I...|what am I doing?

I love Kevin.

I want to spend the rest|of my life with him.

Oh my God!|I'm getting married!

Ruby!

Ruby, I need a bottle of champagne.|We're going to celebrate.

May I have the key|to the liquor cabinet please?

What key?

The key, Ruby.

Key?|There's no key.

Ruby, give me the key.

You want to take this|outside?

Bring me the key.

And fix your hair.

You look like|a damned cockatoo.

She is such|a fabulous assistant.

Hey, do you think|your mother liked me?

Of course. Why?

I don't know, because she called me|a pregnant lesbian?

I'm sure she meant that|as a compliment.

Trust me.|She loved you.

Oh, they're gone?

I'll just put this baby|back to bed, okay?

My son|the brilliant surgeon

is gonna marry a temp.

Gonna need something|stronger than this.

Where's that martini?

Hooch will not solve|your problems.

She's going to destroy him.

It is so clear.

She's got no money,|no career goals.

She was just waiting|for a rich innocent

to step right|in her path.

Oh, Kevin's|smarter than that.

Come on,|you raised him well.

He's a good boy.

But he's a man.|That's the problem.

The only time they think straight|is when they have an erection,

and it's usually pointed|right at the trampiest woman.

You talking about|her or you?

Look, there's nothing|you can do.

Just let it go.

You know what you need?|A project.

Or another husband.

You know, why don't you|marry another gay guy?

That was fun.

You know, you're right.

I do need a project.

And I have|the perfect one.

I am going|to save my son.

Here.

- What?|- You go use those old contacts of yours

to get all the information you can|about that little pimp.

And exactly what do you|expect to find?

Everybody's got|a past, honey.

Find something.

And I'm going to open up|the Montecito house

and get a party planner.

I'm going to give them|an engagement party.

And then what?|Lock her in the basement?

When he sees how out of place|she is in his world,

it's gonna be over.

This will end badly.

Get me another one|of those.

# Ooh-ohh #

# I just want to|get down with you #

# Eh! #

# I just want|to get close to you #

# Ooh-ohh #

# I just need to go|farther... #

Is it me, or is each house|you take me to bigger than the last?

But I thought your mom|said this was a barbecue.

Oh my God. It looks like she's invited|everyone I've ever known.

And they're all|in black tie.

Oh, there's my mom.|Mom!

Darlings!|How was the trip?

- Welcome.|- I'm sorry.

- I didn't know this was a formal party.|- Well, that's because

I have something for you.|I bought you a new dress.

Oh, see?|There's a dress upstairs.

- Thank you.|- Besides, you look great in anything.

Exactly. You always look|so clean and shiny.

Oh, Kevin, your tuxedo|is upstairs in your room.

But first I want you to meet|some friends. Come.

- Prince Amir.|- Can I change first?

- This is Sarah. Kevin.|- You know Kevin.

And this is Charlie.|She's a temp.

Charlie, this is the man that introduced the|euro to the global market.

- Mr. Prime Minister.|- Viola.

Oh, Marie. You know my son,|but this is Charlie.

- Very good to meet you.|- So nice to meet you.

- She's a temp.|- Yeah.

I worked in a bank once.

Oh, look! There's|the Poet Laureate and...

oh, Charlie, first I want you to meet|the Secretary of Commerce.

Viola, please let me|change first.

I don't want to meet her|in my flip-flops.

Of course, of course. Ruby, would|you show Charlie to the guest room?

- Come on, Charlie.|- Thank you. Thank you.

Wow!

Oh my...

it's vintage.

Oh, Fiona.

- You look stunning.|- Thank you. So do you.

My goodness.

Kevin just went up|to his old room.

- Why don't you go say hello to him?|- I'd love to.

Good girl.

Fiona, what are you doing here?|I'm dressing.

Why don't you let me give you|a hand with that?

Give it up, Fiona.

You know, you and I had|a very strong bond once.

No, you and I had|very strong drinks once.

That's not true.

Kiss me. I'll remind you|how good it was.

What are you doing?

I'm engaged.|I'm happy.

It's gonna fit!

Why did she get me|such a small dress?

I have two asses.

It'll fit.|There we go.

Okay.

Okay! Okay!

What is it about her|that's so special?

I don't know but I plan on spending|the rest of my life finding out.

Kevin!

God! Men in love|are really hot.

Fiona!

Oops! Um...

I was just giving Kevin|a congratulatory kiss.

Don't, uh, worry.

Why would I worry?|He's gay, right?

Charlie!

Charlie, that was not|what it looked like.

I'm going home.

I've destroyed|priceless couture.

I embarrassed myself|in front of 70% of the world's royalty.

Oh! I forgot, yeah!

I just caught you making out|with your ex-girlfriend.

Charlie, let me explain.

Ugh!|It doesn't matter.

I can't do this.

I don't belong here,|Kevin.

And if I don't belong here|then maybe we don't...

Hey hey hey.|Listen to me.

It's you and me now.

This isn't my world anymore.

You're my world.

Okay?

Now let's get the hell out of here.|I'm taking you home.

Okay.

Um...

Let me try and get out|of this dress and then...

Okay, see you|downstairs.

# There's a million miles|to go #

# Till our happiness lives #

# There's a million miles|to go #

# Till our happiness lives. #

Do you like it?

Yeah, it's great.

I'm so glad you|finally decided to do it.

I don't know. I just woke up today|and it just felt like home.

I'm gonna do|all three walls.

You know, I think it's time|to take a break.

Oh, wait!

- Wait a minute.|- Whoo whoo whoo!

I can't let it dry|too much.

Oh God!

Are we getting out of bed|today, "Camille"?

What for?

I could die|and nobody would care.

I would.

You promised me|a face-lift.

Sit down, Ruby.|Sit with me, hold my hand.

Have you got anything|on the girl yet?

Nothing. Nada.

No criminal record.|No debt.

Good grades. Went to design school.|And then a string of odd jobs.

Isn't that exactly what|somebody with a past does?

What about drugs?|What about promiscuity?

She's had fewer lovers|in her entire life

than you did|at closing day of Woodstock.

Well, find something.

Well, I guess if I had|a hair sample maybe I could take it

- to my little crime lab and...|- Perfect.

I'll get to work on it.

Listen to me.|There is nothing.

Has it ever occurred to you|that maybe she's a good girl?

Oh, don't joke.

I would like to speak to that woman|who got back from the loony bin.

Is she around?

Because you are taking me|for a spin in the crazy mobile.

Ruby, Ruby.

Everybody knows that when|a woman marries a man

she marries his mother|too, right?

What if I drive her crazy?

Okay, now you're|foaming at the mouth.

Oh!

Charlie and Kevin's house.

Oh, I forgot you live there.

I didn't realize that you|had already moved in.

Kevin, stop it. I'm on the phone|with your mother! I'm sorry, Viola.

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