Monty Python and the Holy Grail Page #18

Music cuts dead.

FROG:

Ha ha! Hello! Smelly English K...niggets ... and Monsieur Arthur

King, who has the brain of a duck, you know.

The KNIGHTS look up.

FROG:

We French persons outwit you a second time, perfidious English

mousedropping hoarders ... how you say: "Begorrah!"

ARTHUR stands and shouts.

ARTHUR:

How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command

you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, open the door to the

Sacred Castle, to which God himself has guided us!

(he turns to the KNIGHTS)

Come.

ARTHUR and the KNIGHTS advance towards the castle.

FROG:

How you English say: I one more time, mac, I unclog my nose towards you,

sons of a window-dresser, so, you think you could out-clever us French

fellows with your silly knees-bent creeping about advancing

behaviour.

(blows a raspberry)

I wave my private parts at your aunties, you brightly-coloured,

mealy-templed, cranberry-smelling, electric donkey-bottom biters.

By this time ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and GALAHAD have reached the door.

ARTHUR bangs on the door.

ARTHUR:

In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred

castle.

Jeering from the battlements.

FROG:

No chance, English bed-wetting types. We burst our pimples at you,

and call your door-opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained

wipers of other people's bottoms!

French laughter

ARTHUR:

If you do not open these doors, we will take this castle by force ...

A bucket of slops land on ARTHUR. He tries to retain his dignity.

ARTHUR:

In the name of God ... and the glory of our ...

Another bucket of what can only be described as human ordure hits ARTHUR.

... Right!

(to the KNIGHTS)

That settles it!

They turn and walk away. French jeering follows them.

FROG:

Yes, depart a lot at this time, and cut the approaching any more or

we fire arrows into the tops of your heads and make castanets

of your testicles already.

ARTHUR:

(to KNIGHTS)

Walk away. Just ignore them.

ARTHUR, BEDEVERE and GALAHAD walk off. A small hail of chickens,

watercress, badgers and mattresses follows them. But they are on their

dignity as they try to talk nonchalantly as they walk away into the trees.

FROG:

And now remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think

you got a nasty time this taunting, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy

k...niggets, and A. King Esquire.

CUT BACK TO the drenched BRIDGEKEEPER/SOOTHSAYER beside the lake He

rises up into SHOT.

BRIDGEKEEPER:

He would cross the sea of fate,

Must answer me these questions

Twenty-eight.

CUT TO see he is talking to two PLAIN-CLOTHES POLICEMEN and two

CONSTABLES.

INSPECTOR:

All right, put him in the van.

THE BRIDGEKEEPER is led away and put into a police van.

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR still walking away. French taunts still audible in

the distance.

FRENCH:

You couldn't catch clap in a brothel, silly English K...niggets ...

ARTHUR:

(to BEDEVERE)

We shall attack at once.

BEDEVERE:

Yes, my liege.

(he turns)

Stand by for attack!!

CUT TO enormous army forming up. Trebuchets, rows of PIKEMEN, siege

towers, pennants flying, shouts of "Stand by for attack!" Traditional

army build-up shots. The shouts echo across the ranks of the army.

We see various groups reacting, and stirring themselves in readiness.

ARTHUR:

Who are they?

BEDEVERE:

Oh, just some friends!

We end up back with ARTHUR. He seems satisfied that the ARMY is ready.

PANNING down the serried ranks, pikes ready, pennants flapping in the

wind. Some of the horses whinny nervously, and rattle their coconuts.

ARTHUR is satisfied at last. He addresses the castle.

ARTHUR:

French persons! Today the blood of many valiant knights shall

bee avenged. In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight

until each one of you lies dead and the Grail returns to those

whom God has chosen.

ARTHUR lowers his visor, turns to have a last look at ARMY, then:

CHARGE!

The mighty ARMY charges. Thundering noise of feet. Clatter of coconuts.

Shouts etc.

The charge towards the castle.

Suddenly there is a wail of a siren and a couple of police cars roar

round in front of the charging ARMY and the POLICE leap out and stop

them. TWO POLICEMAN and the HISTORIAN'S WIFE. Black Marias skid up

behind them.

The ARMY halts.

HISTORIAN'S WIFE

They're the ones, I'm sure.

INSPECTOR END OF FILM

Grab 'em!

The POLICE grab ARTHUR and bundle him into the maria.

SIR BEDEVERE is led off with a blanket over his head. They are bundled

into the black maria and the van drives off.

The rest of the ARMY stand around looking at a loss.

INSPECTOR END OF FILM

(picks up megaphone)

All right! Clear off! Go on!

A few reaction shots of the ARMY not quite sure what to do.

INSPECTOR END OF FILM

Move along. There's nothing to see! Keep moving!

Suddenly he notices the cameras.

As the black maria drives away QUICK SHOT through window of all the

KNIGHTS huddled inside.

INSPECTOR END OF FILM

(to Camera)

All right, put that away sonny.

He walks over to it and puts his hand over the lens.

The film runs out through the gate and the projector shines on the

screen.

There is a blank screen for some fifteen seconds.

Suddenly jazzy music. Animated titles. (A new film completely free

with the Monty Python film.)

"THE CREDITS"

Four of five minute film (mainly animated) about the credits, i.e it

includes the actual credits for the film but is really elaborate.

THE END:

Slushy organ music starts and the houselights in the cinema come on ...

organ music continues as the audience leave.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cast list:

GRAHAM CHAPMAN PLAYED:KING ARTHUR. HICCOUGHING GUARD,

THREE-HEADED KNIGHT

JOHN CLEESE PLAYED:SECOND SOLDIER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS,

LARGE MAN WITH DEAD BODY, BLACK KNIGHT,

MR NEWT (A VILLAGE BLACKSMITH INTERESTED IN

BURNING WITCHES), A QUITE EXTRAORDINARILY

RUDE FRENCHMAN, TIM THE WIZARD, SIR LAUNCELOT

TERRY GILLIAM PLAYED: PATSY (ARTHUR'S TRUSTY STEED), THE GREEN

KNIGHT SOOTHSAYER, BRIDGEKEEPER, SIR GAWAIN

(THE FIRST TO BE KILLED BY THE RABBIT)

ERIC IDLE PLAYED:THE DEAD COLLECTOR, MR BINT (A VILLAGE NE'ER-DO

-WELL VERY KEEN ON BURNING WITCHES), SIR ROBIN,

THE GUARD WHO DOESN'T HICOUGH BUT TRIES TO GET

THINGS STRAIGHT, CONCORDE (SIR LAUNCELOT'S

TRUSTY STEED), ROGER THE SHRUBBER (A SHRUBBER),

BROTHER MAYNARD:

NEIL INNES PLAYED:THE FIRST SELF-DESTRUCTIVE MONK, ROBIN'S LEAST

FAVORITE MINSTREL, THE PAGE CRUSHED BY A

RABBIT, THE OWNER OF A DUCK

TERRY JONES PLAYED:DENNIS'S MOTHER, SIR BEDEVERE, THREE-HEADED

KNIGHT, PRINCE HERBERT

MICHAEL PALIN PLAYED: 1ST SOLDIER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS,

DENNIS, MR DUCK (A VILLAGE CARPENTER WHO IS

ALMOST KEENER THAN ANYONE ELSE TO BURN

WITCHES), THREE-HEADED KNIGHT, SIR GALAHAD,

KING OF SWAMP CASTLE, BROTHER MAYNARD'S

ROOMATE:

CONNIE BOOTH PLAYED: THE WITCH

CAROL CLEVELAND PLAYED:ZOOT AND DINGO

BEE DUFFELL PLAYED:OLD CRONE TO WHOM KING ARTHUR SAID "NI!"

JOHN YOUNG PLAYED:THE DEAD BODY THAT CLAIMS IT ISN'T, AND THE

HISTORIAN WHO ISN'T A.J.P. TAYLOR AT ALL

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