Monty Python and the Holy Grail Page #3

The CART DRIVER looks at the LARGE MAN for a moment. Then they both

do a quick furtive look up and down the street. The CART DRIVER

very swiftly brings up a club and hits the OLD MAN. (Out of shot

but the singing stops after a loud bonk noise.)

LARGE MAN:

(handing over the money at last)

Thanks very much.

CART DRIVER:

That's all right. See you on Thursday.

They turn ... Suddenly all the village fall to their knees, touching

forelocks etc. ARTHUR and PATSY ride into SHOT, slightly nose to

the air, they ride through without acknowledging anybody. After

they pass, the LARGE MAN turns to the CART DRIVER.

LARGE MAN:

Who's that then?

CART DRIVER:

(Grudgingly)

I dunno, Must be a king.

LARGE MAN:

Why?

CART DRIVER:

He hasn't got sh*t all over him.

3 EXTERIOR - DAY

ARTHUR and PATSY riding. They stop and look. We see a castle in the

distance, and before it a PEASANT is working away on his knees trying

to dig up the earth with his bare hands and a twig. ARTHUR and

PATSY ride up, and stop before the PEASANT

ARTHUR:

Old woman!

DENNIS:

Man!

ARTHUR:

Man. I'm sorry. Old man, What knight live in that castle

over there?

DENNIS:

I'm thirty-seven.

ARTHUR:

What?

DENNIS:

I'm thirty-seven ... I'm not old.

ARTHUR:

Well - I can't just say: "Hey, Man!'

DENNIS:

Well you could say: "Dennis"

ARTHUR:

I didn't know you were called Dennis.

DENNIS:

You didn't bother to find out, did you?

ARTHUR:

I've said I'm sorry about the old woman, but from the behind

you looked ...

DENNIS:

What I object to is that you automatically treat me like

an inferior ...

ARTHUR:

Well ... I AM king.

DENNIS:

Oh, very nice. King, eh! I expect you've got a palace and fine

clothes and courtiers and plenty of food. And how d'you get that?

By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist

dogma which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our

society! If there's EVER going to be any progress ...

An OLD WOMAN appears.

OLD WOMAN:

Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here ... Oh!

how d'you do?

ARTHUR:

How d'you do, good lady ... I am Arthur, King of the Britons ...

can you tell me who lives in that castle?

OLD WOMAN:

King of the WHO?

ARTHUR:

The Britons.

OLD WOMAN:

Who are the Britons?

ARTHUR:

All of us are ... we are all Britons.

DENNIS winks at the OLD WOMAN.

... and I am your king ....

OLD WOMAN:

Ooooh! I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were

an autonomous collective ...

DENNIS:

You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship,

A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes ...

OLD WOMAN:

There you are, bringing class into it again ...

DENNIS:

That's what it's all about ... If only -

ARTHUR:

Please, please good people. I am in haste. What knight lives in

that castle?

OLD WOMAN:

No one live there.

ARTHUR:

Well, who is your lord?

OLD WOMAN:

We don't have a lord.

ARTHUR:

What?

DENNIS:

I told you, We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune, we take

it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

ARTHUR:

Yes.

DENNIS:

... But all the decision of that officer ...

ARTHUR:

Yes, I see.

DENNIS:

... must be approved at a bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority

in the case of purely internal affairs.

ARTHUR:

Be quiet!

DENNIS:

... but a two-thirds majority ...

ARTHUR:

Be quiet! I order you to shut up.

OLD WOMAN:

Order, eh -- who does he think he is?

ARTHUR:

I am your king!

OLD WOMAN:

Well, I didn't vote for you.

ARTHUR:

You don't vote for kings.

OLD WOMAN:

Well, how did you become king, then?

ARTHUR:

The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite,

held Excalibur aloft from the bosom of the water to signify by

Divine Providence ... that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur ...

That is why I am your king!

OLD WOMAN:

Is Frank in? He'd be able to deal with this one.

DENNIS:

Look, strange women lying on their backs in ponds handing out

swords ... that's no basis for a system of government. Supreme

executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from

some farcical aquatic ceremony.

ARTHUR:

Be quiet!

DENNIS:

You can't expect to wield supreme executive power

just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

ARTHUR:

Shut up!

DENNIS:

I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some

moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would

put me away!

ARTHUR:

(Grabbing him by the collar)

Shut up, will you. Shut up!

DENNIS:

Ah! NOW ... we see the violence inherent in the system.

ARTHUR:

Shut up!

PEOPLE (i.e. other PEASANTS) are appearing and watching.

DENNIS:

(calling)

Come and see the violence inherent in the system.

Help, help, I'm being repressed!

ARTHUR:

(aware that people are now coming out and watching)

Bloody peasant!

(pushes DENNIS over into mud and prepares to ride off)

DENNIS:

Oh, Did you hear that! What a give-away.

ARTHUR:

Come on, patsy.

They ride off.

DENNIS:

(in the background as we PULL OUT)

did you see him repressing me, then? That's what I've

been on about ...

4 EXTERIOR - FOREST - DAY

MIX THROUGH to ARTHUR and PATSY riding through the forest. They pass rune

stones. We TRACK with them. CLOSE-UPS of their faces as they ride.

MIX to another TRACKING SHOT of them riding through the forest. They

come to a clearing and stop, looking ahead intently. Their eyes light up.

Sound FX of fight.

CUT TO their eyeline. A clearing on the other side of which is a rough

wooden foot-bridge across a stream. At the start of the bridge a

tremendous fight is going on. A huge BLACK KNIGHT in black armour, his

face totally masked in a visor, is fighting a slightly smaller KNIGHT in

green armour. (Perhaps the GREEN KNIGHT's armour is identical to the

BLACK KNIGHT's save for the colour.)

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY. They watch, growing more impressed

as they watch the fight.

CUT BACK TO the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT lunges at the BLACK KNIGHT, who

avoids the blow with a skillful side-step and parry, knocking the sword

out of the GREEN KNIGHT's hand.

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY even more impressed.

CUT BACK TO the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT has drawn out a particularly nasty

mace or spiked ball and chain, much longer than the BLACK KNIGHT's sword.

ARTHUR narrows his eyes, wondering whether the BLACK KNIGHT will survive.

CUT BACK to the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT swings at the BLACK KNIGHT, who

ducks under the first swing, leaps over the second and starts to close

on the GREEN KNIGHT.

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY watching like a tennis match. Sound FX of the

fight reaching a climax. Four almighty clangs. Then Silence.

CUT BACK to see the GREEN KNIGHT stretched out. The BLACK KNIGHT

sheathes his sword.

ARTHUR looks at PATSY. Nods and they move forward.

CUT BACK TO the BLACK KNIGHT picking up the GREEN KNIGHT above his head

and hurling him into the river. ARTHUR and PATSY approach him.

ARTHUR:

You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.

BLACK KNIGHT:

Who dares to challenge the Black Knight?

ARTHUR:

I do not challenge you.

The BLACK KNIGHT stares impassively and says nothing.

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