Monty Python and the Holy Grail Page #4

ARTHUR:

I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

Hint of a pause as he waits for a reaction which dosn't come. ARTHUR is

only slightly thrown.

... I seek the bravest and the finest knights in all

the world to join me in my court at Camelot ...

The BLACK KNIGHT remains silent

ARTHUR:

You have proved yourself worthy. ... Will you join me?

Silence.

ARTHUR:

A man of your strength and skill would be the chief of all

my knights ...

BLACK KNIGHT:

Never.

ARTHUR:

You make me sad. But so be it. Come Patsy.

As he moves, the BLACK KNIGHT bars the way.

BLACK KNIGHT:

None shall pass.

ARTHUR:

What?

BLACK KNIGHT:

None shall pass.

ARTHUR:

I have no quarrel with you, brave Sir knight, but I must

cross this bridge.

BLACK KNIGHT:

Then you shall die.

ARTHUR:

I command you, as King of the Britons to stand aside.

BLACK KNIGHT:

I move for no man.

ARTHUR:

So be it!

ARTHUR draws his sword and approaches the BLACK KNIGHT. A furious fight

now starts lasting about fifteen seconds at which point ARTHUR delivers

a mighty blow which completely severs the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm at

the shoulder. ARTHUR steps back triumphantly.

ARTHUR:

Now stand aside worthy adversary.

BLACK KNIGHT:

(Glancing at his shoulder)

'Tis but a scratch.

ARTHUR:

A scratch? Your arm's off.

BLACK KNIGHT:

No, it isn't.

ARTHUR:

(Pointing to the arm on ground)

Well, what's that then?

BLACK KNIGHT:

I've had worse.

ARTHUR:

You're a liar.

BLACK KNIGHT:

Come on you pansy!

Another ten seconds furious fighting till ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHTS's

other arm off, also at the shoulder. The arm plus sword, lies on the ground.

ARTHUR:

Victory is mine.

(sinking to his knees)

I thank thee O Lord that in thy ...

BLACK KNIGHT:

Come on then.

ARTHUR:

What?

He kicks ARTHUR hard on the side of the helmet. ARTHUR gets up still

holding his sword. The BLACK KNIGHT comes after him kicking.

ARTHUR:

You are indeed brave Sir knight, but the fight is mine.

BLACK KNIGHT:

Had enough?

ARTHUR:

You stupid bastard. You havn't got any arms left.

BLACK KNIGHT:

Course I have.

ARTHUR:

Look!

BLACK KNIGHT:

What! Just a flesh wound.

(kicks ARTHUR)

ARTHUR:

Stop that.

BLACK KNIGHT:

(kicking him)

Had enough ... ?

ARTHUR:

I'll have your leg.

He is kicked.

Right!

The BLACK KNIGHT kicks him again and ARTHUR chops his leg off.

The BLACK KNIGHT keeps his balance with difficulty.

BLACK KNIGHT:

I'll do you for that.

ARTHUR:

You'll what ... ?

BLACK KNIGHT:

Come Here.

ARTHUR:

What are you going to do. bleed on me?

BLACK KNIGHT:

I'm invincible!

ARTHUR:

You're a looney.

BLACK KNIGHT:

The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!

ARTHUR takes his last leg off. The BLACK KNIGHT's body lands upright.

BLACK KNIGHT:

All right, we'll call it a draw.

ARTHUR:

Come, Patsy.

ARTHUR and PATSY start to cross the bridge.

BLACK KNIGHT:

Running away eh? You yellow bastard, Come back here and take

what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!

5 EXTERIOR - DAY

A village. Sound of chanting of Latin canon, punctuated by short, sharp

cracks. It comes nearer. We see it is a line of MONKS ala SEVENTH SEAL

flagellation scene, chanting and banging themselves on the foreheads with

wooden boards. They pass a group of villagers who are dragging a beautiful

YOUNG WOMAN dressed as a witch through the streets. They drag her to a

strange house/ruin standing on a hill outside the village. A

strange-looking knight stands outside, SIR BEDEVERE.

FIRST VILLAGER:

We have found a witch. May we burn her?

ALL:

A Witch! Burn her!

BEDEVERE:

How do you know she is a witch?

ALL:

She looks like one. Yes, she does.

BEDEVERE:

Bring her forward.

They bring her forward - a beautiful YOUNG GIRL (MISS ISLINGTON) dressed up

as a witch.

WITCH:

I am not a witch. I am not a witch.

BEDEVERE:

But you are dressed as one.

WITCH:

They dressed me up like this.

ALL:

We didn't, we didn't!

WITCH:

This is not my nose, It is a false one.

BEDEVERE takes her nose off.

BEDEVERE:

Well?

FIRST VILLAGER:

... Well, we did do the nose.

BEDEVERE:

The nose?

FIRST VILLAGER:

And the hat. But she is a witch.

ALL:

A witch, a witch, burn her!

BEDEVERE:

Did you dress her up like this?

FIRST VILLAGER:

... Um ... Yes ... no ... a bit ... yes... she has got a wart.

BEDEVERE:

Why do you think she is a witch?

SECOND VILLAGER:

She turned me into a newt.

BEDEVERE:

A newt?

SECOND VILLAGER:

(After looking at himself for some time)

I got better.

ALL:

Burn her anyway.

BEDEVERE:

Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

ARTHUR and PATSY ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest

ALL:

There are? Tell up. What are they, wise Sir Bedevere?

BEDEVERE:

Tell me ... what do you do with witches?

ALL:

Burn them.

BEDEVERE:

And what do you burn, apart from witches?

FOURTH VILLAGER:

... Wood?

BEDEVERE:

So why do witches burn?

SECOND VILLAGER:

(pianissimo)

... Because they're made of wood...?

BEDEVERE:

Good.

PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion.

ALL:

I see. Yes, of course.

BEDEVERE:

So how can we tell if she is made of wood?

FIRST VILLAGER:

Make a bridge out of her.

BEDEVERE:

Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?

ALL:

Ah. Yes, of course ... um ... err ...

BEDEVERE:

Does wood sink in water?

ALL:

No, no, It floats. Throw her in the pond Tie weights on her. To

the pond.

BEDEVERE:

Wait. Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water?

ALL:

Bread? No, no, no. Apples .... gravy ... very small rocks ...

ARTHUR:

A duck.

They all turn and look at ARTHUR. BEDEVERE looks up very impressed.

BEDEVERE:

Exactly. So... logically ...

FIRST VILLAGER:

(beginning to pick up the thread)

If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood.

BEDEVERE:

And therefore?

ALL:

A witch! ... A duck! A duck! Fetch a duck.

FOURTH VILLAGER:

Here is a duck, Sir Bedevere.

BEDEVERE:

We shall use my largest scales.

He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed, made of

wood and rope and leather. They put the GIRL in one pan and the duck

in another. Each pan is supported by a wooden stave. BEDEVERE checks

each pan then ... ARTHUR looks on with interest.

BEDEVERE:

Remove the supports.

Two PEASANTS knock them away with sledge hammers. The GIRL and the duck

swing slightly but balance perfectly.

ALL:

A witch! A witch!

WITCH:

It's a fair cop.

All

Burn her! Burn her! Let's make her into a ladder.

The VILLAGERS drag the girl away, leaving ARTHUR and BEDEVERE regarding

each other admiringly.

BEDEVERE:

Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

ARTHUR:

I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

BEDEVERE:

My liege ... forgive me ...

ARTHUR looks at PATSY with obvious satisfaction.

ARTHUR:

Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,

and join our number at the Round Table?

BEDEVERE:

My liege, I am honored.

ARTHUR steps forward, drawing his sword, with a slight hint of difficulty

ARTHUR:

What is your name?

BEDEVERE:

Bedevere, my Liege.

ARTHUR:

Then I dub you ... Sir Bedevere ... Knight of the Round Table!

6 VARIOUS MONTAGE - ANIMATION

VOICE OVER:

And so King Arthur gathered his knights together ... bringing from all

the corners of the kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land ...

To sit at The Round Table ...

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