Monty Python and the Holy Grail Page #6

A MAN appears on the battlements. ARTHUR addresses him.

ARTHUR:

Hello.

MAN:

'Allo. Whoo is eet?

ARTHUR:

I am King Arthur and these are the Knights of the Round

Table. Whose castle is this?

MAN:

This is the castle of of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

ARTHUR:

Please go and tell your master that we have been charged by God

with a sacred quest, and if he will give us food and shelter for

this night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

MAN:

Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen.

He's already got one, you see?

ARTHUR:

What?

GALAHAD:

He says they've already got one!

They are stunned.

ARTHUR:

Are you sure he's got one?

MAN:

Oh yes. It's very nice

CUT TO BATTLEMENTS. THE TAUNTER (MAN) turns to some others.

MAN:

I told him we already got one.

They all giggle.

ARTHUR:

Well ... can we come up and have a look?

MAN:

Of course not! You are English pigs.

ARTHUR:

Well, what are you then?

MAN:

I'm French. Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you

silly king.

GALAHAD:

What are you doing in England?

MAN:

Mind your own business.

ARTHUR:

If you will not show us the Grail we shall storm your castle.

Murmurs of assent.

MAN:

You don't frighten us, English pig-dog! Go and boil your

bottoms, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called

Arthur-king, you and your silly English K...kaniggets.

He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry.

GALAHAD:

What a strange person.

ARTHUR:

Now look here, my good man!

MAN:

I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal,

food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother

was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

GALAHAD:

Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

MAN:

No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

ARTHUR:

Now this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonab...

MAN:

Fetchez la vache!

GUARD:

Quoi?

MAN:

Fetchez la vache!

CUT BACK TO battlements. A cow is led out of a stall.

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR.

ARTHUR:

Now that is my final offer. If you are not prepared to agree to my

demands I shall be forced to take ... Oh Christ!

A cow comes flying over the battlements, lowing aggressively. The cow

lands on GALAHAD'S PAGE, squashing him completely.

ROBIN:

What a cruel thing to do.

BEDEVERE:

(Choking back tears)

It hadn't even been milked.

ARTHUR:

Right! Knights! Forward!

ARTHUR leads a charge toward the castle. Various shots of them battling on,

despite being hit by a variety of farm animals.

ARTHUR:

(as the MAN next to him is squashed by a sheep)

Knights! Run away!

Midst echoing shouts of "run away" the KNIGHTS retreat to cover with the odd

cow or goose hitting them still. The KNIGHTS crouch down under cover.

LAUNCELOT:

The sods! I'll tear them apart.

ARTHUR:

(restraining LAUNCELOT from going out and having a go)

No!

BEDEVERE:

I have a plan sir.

CUT BACK TO battlements of castle. FRENCH SENTRIES suspiciously peering

towards the English lines. Wind whistles.

Shot of the empty scrubland or undergrowth or woodland around the castle.

Emptiness. Wind. More shots of the FRENCH SENTRIES peering into the dusk.

As night falls. MIX THROUGH TO night On the battlements a brazier burns or

torches on the wall as the SENTRIES peer into the dark. Shots of the

woodland with fires burning where the English lines are.

During all this the sounds of extensive carpentry have possibly been herd,

followed by silence, followed by renewed outbursts or activity.

CLOSE-UP FRENCH looking very nervous. Dawn breaking. Shot of woodland.

Nothing. Wind. Dawn still breaking. Shots of the FRENCH. They suddenly

hear something. A faintly detectable squeaking which is getting louder.

CUT TO WIDE SHOT of castle and woodland. Squeaking getting louder. Shot of

the FRENCH TAUNTER pointing. WIDE SHOT again. The squeaking gets louder

an enormous twenty-foot-high wooden rabbit is wheeled out of the

undergrowth into the open space in front of the castle. The ENGLISH scuttle

back into the undergrowth. The rabbit has a large red bow tied round it

and a rather crudely written label, which reads "Pour votres amis

Francais". The CHIEF TAUNTER looks at it, narrowing his eyes. Then he

turns and leaves battlements.

CUT TO ARTHUR and COMPANY watching from the bushes. The main gate of the

castle opens a little and the CHIEF TAUNTER's head sticks out, then another

Froggie head, then another. They mutter to each other in French, look

rather pleased, then rush out and start to pull the giant rabbit in.

CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and COMPANY behind some bushes watching.

ARTHUR:

Now what happens?

BEDEVERE:

Well now, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall

and then leap out of the rabbit and take the French by surprise,

not only by surprise but totally unarmed!

ARTHUR:

Who ... Who breaks out?

BEDEVERE:

Er ... We ... Launcelot, Galahad, and I ... Er ... leap out of the

rabbit and ...

LAUNCELOT covers his eyes.

BEDEVERE:

Look, if we were to build a large wooden badger...

ARTHUR cuffs him. ARTHUR looks at the battlements. There is a loud twang.

Look of horror. The rabbit comes sailing over the battlements.

ARTHUR:

Run away!

More shouts.

Run away!

SIR GAWAIN:

(to his PAGE as they run away)

It's only a model.

ARTHUR:

Sh!

They continue to retreat. The rabbit lands on GAWAIN'S PAGE

(who is already weighed down by enormous quantity of luggage).

10 EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY

CUT TO a MAN in modern dress standing outside a castle. He speaks straight

to CAMERA in a documentary kind of way.

SUPERIMPOSE CAPTION: A Very Famous Historian.

HISTORIAN'S SPEECH

Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened

King Arthur ... The ferocity of the French taunting took him

completely by surprise and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy

was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought

to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest

knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail

individually. Now, this is what they did. No sooner...

A KNIGHT rides into shot and hacks him to the ground. He rides off.

We stay for a moment on the glade. A MIDDLE-AGED LADY in a C. & A.

twin-set emerges from the trees and looks in horror at the body of her

HUSBAND.

MRS HISTORIAN:

FRANK!

CUT TO animated frame, with the words "The Tale of Sir Robin" on it.

Pleasant pastoral music. MIX THROUGH TO:

VOICE:
"The Tale Of Sir Robin"

11 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY

A KNIGHT is trotting along through a wooden sun-dapled glade, followed by

his trusty PAGE banging the usual half coconuts. As we see them approach

we hear the beautiful lilting sound of medieval music, and see that

the KNIGHT is followed by a small retinue of MUSICIANS in

thirteenth-century courtly costume, one sings, and plays the tambourine,

one bangs at a tabor (A small drum O.E.D) and one plays the pipes.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote